SEQUEL / JOSE AND ROSIE GARCIA : Alone Among Friends : Jose: ‘What I loved most was taken . . . ‘

Sometimes I can’t believe that it’s going to be two years in June that my family died. Being away in Texas doesn’t make the pain go away because I am always thinking--always, all the time--of my kids. I see their faces and imagine their voices.

I like to think about my family.

When I am alone and feel depressed I go outside and stare at the sky or stare at the ocean. I know my wife and kids are in heaven. I wonder if they remember me. I wonder if they are watching me. I wonder if they are watching Rosie. . . .

In the house, I used to feel that (my family) was there. Now, I don’t feel that anymore. I guess the passing of time has taken that feeling away.

I feel the house is lonely. Very lonely. There is no laughter, no running around, no voices. Not like before with all the children acting silly. Or (my eldest son) Tony playing his accordion and the boys singing.

I feel alone.

Building a New Life

‘I try not to let Rosie see me get so upset or cry.’

It is still real hard but, slowly, Rosie and I are getting used to being without the family. I know that we both think about them all the time, but we are not depressed all the time.

The other day Rosie told me that she didn’t want to go to the cemetery because it reminds her more of her mother and brothers when we go. I know how she feels, because the same feeling comes over me. I go to the cemetery and stand over my children’s graves, and I start thinking more and more of my kids, of their memory.

It makes me feel sad.

I try not to let Rosie see me get so upset or cry.

Learning to Cope

‘I’ve tried to make friends.’

In Texas I’ve tried to make new friends. My new friends are old people. They try to keep me balanced. We talk about regular stuff, not so much about what happened to me and Rosie.

When I’m with friends my own age, well, the way they talk sometimes is not serious. I say “yes” and nod my head and try to keep interested. The old people, they speak from the experiences of life. They have lived through a lot of tragedies, and that is why we are connected to each other.

We go fishing, and that’s like a kind of meditation, like a kind of therapy because my mind gets clear. I want to go back to work, so I am going to start looking. (Jose had to quit his janitor’s job last winter because of emotional stress.)

I also want Rosie to get back to school. Sometimes she doesn’t want to study, which is why I push her a lot to study hard with her tutor. I tell her it will be much better for her to go back to school because that way she can be with friends her own age.

How Rosie Is Doing

‘To me (she) is acting more like a grown-up person.’

Emotionally, Rosie is doing good. She doesn’t get as scared as she used to. But when she does, she calls me. She doesn’t move from her spot, it’s like she’s paralyzed with fear.

She has changed in other ways also. She takes care of me in her way. She knows when I’m depressed or sad. We don’t argue like we used to. She thinks before she speaks. Sometimes I see her sitting, thinking. To me she is acting more like a grown-up person. We talk a lot about how she has to learn business things . . . about the house and property. I want her to know those things because nobody knows what the future holds. I tell her, “Rosie you could be alone today or tomorrow, this is why I want you to be prepared.”

Rosie’s Future

‘I know one thing for sure about (her). She wants to live.’

I try to make her think about her future because I think about it. I think about how she is going be in the future. I think, “What is she going to do when I die? She will have nobody else. What is she going to do?”

She says that she probably will never get married. She thinks she is not as good-looking as she was because she is burned. But when I hear her talk like that I tell her, “You are a beautiful girl. One day you will find the person of your dreams.”

I know one thing for sure about Rosie. She wants to live.

A Reason for Living

‘God is telling me that my daughter is why I am here.’

Sometimes I want to live and sometimes I don’t. I think I’m going to live a long life, but I don’t want to because there is no family. When you really loved something and it is taken away from you, how do you think that makes you feel? You feel miserable and sad, and you don’t want to live. That is the way I am feeling. What I loved most was taken away from me. Sometimes I think that Rosie and I will both die together so neither one of us will be worrying about being alone. But when I look at Rosie, God is telling me that my daughter is why I am here. I love Rosie. I want the best for her.

She is the only thing I have. And that’s why I am here.