‘Ducks’ Not Deluxe for Hockey Fans

Orange County has spoken, and Orange County hates “the Ducks.”

“A dreadful name,” says Jim Sullivan of Balboa.

“Disney would be making a big mistake,” contends Rick Butcher of Garden Grove. “We’d have to read and hear endless references to sitting ducks, duck soup, duck and cover, etc.”

“I think the name ‘Ducks’ . . . is very nice if you are trying to attract kids ages 3 to 7 or housewives of 30 to 50,” observes Walter H. Pagel of Monarch Beach. “This name ‘Ducks’ would be the butt of jokes from California to all of the U.S. and Canada.”

And, from among the dozens of faxes this office has received on the issue, my favorite put-down, from Spencer Lien of Costa Mesa: “Ducks don’t even like the cold, they migrate. You can’t compare a Duck to a Penguin--Penguins are associated with the cold!”

This is serious business, this naming of the new hockey team. Don’t think for a minute that it isn’t. Orange County has been burned before, like when it had to name its American Basketball Assn. franchise 25 years ago, and the best anyone could come up with was “Anaheim Amigos.”

The Amigos were friendly, all right--giving away basketballs, and basketball games, and hiring not one, but two, head coaches during their first and only season. The Amigos were especially tight with the loss column, hanging out there 53 times in 78 games before packing it in and high-tailing it out of town.

In sports, a nickname can mean everything. The Steelers, the Giants and the Bears all have won Super Bowl championships. The Saints never have. No one named “the Elves” will ever win an NBA title. And there are those who believe the Angels were cursed from the day they were christened--having been so brazen as to trespass on heavenly territory and, thereby, ticking off some very important, highly placed people.

Orange County’s hockey team can’t afford to make the same mistake, or it’ll be 2025 before we know it and Anaheim will still be waiting for its first Stanley Cup while trading star left winger Guy L’Abbott for three extras from the cast of “The Mighty Ducks IX.”

So, if not the Ducks, what then?

“Blades.” That was the winner of this office’s informal fax poll, which, interestingly, was also the winner when San Jose’s NHL expansion entry held a nickname contest in 1990. San Jose management vetoed the idea, however, because it felt “Blades” had “a gang connotation.” San Jose management opted for “Sharks” instead, proving that San Jose management has never viewed any production of “West Side Story.”

“Thunder.” Runner-up on our fax machine, following the same theme that was adopted by Tampa Bay’s expansion hockey team, the Lightning. Future headline: “Thunder And Lightning Get Top Two Picks in ’94 Draft.”

“Aces.” As in Aces over Kings. Like it, like it. And while we’re at it, how about changing “Rams” to “51ers”?

“Ice.” Sorry. Miami has dibs on this one.

“Oranges.” “Seems to work for the St. Louis Blues, Cincinnati Reds, and Cleveland Browns,” writes Craig Lesley of Santa Ana. “I’m confident all six hockey fans living in Orange County would be pleased.”

“California Cooler.” Which we will need, no doubt, to endure the first season.

“Mallers.” “This not only sounds tough,” suggests Richard Weie of Irvine, “it reflects the materialistic aspect of the area.” True, but in that vein, I remain partial to the “South Coast Plazas.”

“Snow.” Sorry. The Angels have dibs on this one.

“Surf.” This one worked wonders for Anaheim’s soccer team.

“Checkers.” Nixon has a library in Yorba Linda. That’s enough.

“Winds.” Too much potential for headline mischief: “Lemieux’s Four Goals Break Winds.”

“Attractions.” Elvis Costello’s backup band. Play them instead of that cheesy organ and we might be on to something.

“Traffic.” With Steve Winwood in goal.

“Red Hot Chili Peppers.” Uniforms, at least, would be easy. If you’ve seen the album cover, you know one white sock per man would do it.

“Clippers.” Wishful thinking.

“0-60-1 Dalmations.” “Probable record after first season if they let Jackie Autry run the team,” writes Mark Sprague of Newport Beach. An NHL season lasts 84 games, Mark, but let’s not quibble. This one’s inspired. And, you know, Jackie always could sell those other 23 games to the Canadiens.

“Earthquakes” or “Quakes” or “Tremors” or “Shock” or “Aftershocks.” Who says Californians have one-track minds?

“Rattlesnakes” or “Cobras” or “Vipers.” Snakes are endemic to the Orange County region. Many of them currently hold political office.

“Alliance.” This one moved Rich Riley of Fullerton to poetry: “Penguins are one thing, Ducks are another, Anaheim Alliance, it should be no other!” Which moved me as well: “Roses are red, violets are blue, in its very first season, the Alliance finished 8-74-2.”

After sifting through reams of fax paper and serious suggestions of “Orange Pickers,” “Ions,” “Raisins,” “Dream Troop” and “Space Mountaineers,” I drew a deep breath, along with two conclusions:

One, there is no clear front-runner yet. Keep those faxes coming.

And, two, it’s a shame “Anteaters” is already taken. Can you imagine the play-by-play possibilities?

“ZOT on goal!”