THE HUMAN CONDITION HOW WE GIVE GIFTS : Keeping Your Presence of Mind During Holiday Season

The common misconception this time of year is that Santa Claus has a difficult job.

Oh, sure, he has to travel around the entire planet in one night. And, yes, he has to spend way too much time in shopping malls with way too many bratty children asking for way too many big-ticket items.

Still, he doesn’t have to deal with the holiday trauma that those without benefit of elves or flying reindeer contend with every year: deciding which friends and family members will get presents and how lavish those will be.

“You really have to prioritize your gift-giving list,” advises Charles Goldstein, a Los Angeles attorney who in the past has sent out 75 to 100 presents during the holiday season. “Sure you worry about alienating people with your gifts. I don’t know how much of that is real and imagined, but I don’t want to hurt anyone. It took me years to come to this conclusion.”

Each year, he sits down and writes out his list of whom to buy for.

Family members, like his wife, sons and parents, automatically make the cut. Then it gets a little tricky. For instance, there are business associates and clients. And old friends he doesn’t see that much anymore. And new friends he’s only getting to know.

“You only have so much money, so you may spend only $5 on some of the people, but more on others,” explains Goldstein. “Part of the answer as to who gets on the list is if you think you’ll be getting something from them.”

Unfortunately, there’s no social rule to rely on when it comes to figuring out who gets what. In fact, etiquette expert Judith (Miss Manners) Martin says she “rebels at the very concept” of setting priorities for a Christmas or Hanukkah gift list.

“You don’t rank people,” she says harshly. “You’re not supposed to notice how much something costs or who gets what. Giving a potholder you made with your pudgy hands is supposed to be worth as much as giving a diamond bracelet.”

There are two things that come in a limited supply when it comes to holiday shopping: time and money.

“I always try to set (financial) limits,” says Rosa Nevin, part-time actress and housewife in the San Fernando Valley. “I establish the $50 range for my family, but I don’t always stick to that. I can find something wonderful for someone for $35, so that means I could spend $60 on somebody else.”

She takes great pains to be “very even and very fair” in her gift distribution to avoid overwhelming one person with the sort of generosity that might make others envious. She isn’t always successful.

“If that happens to somebody one year, maybe it’ll happen to somebody else the next year,” says Nevin, who keeps a holiday journal to remind her every year of what she gave the year before.

Since few people can afford to lavish plenty of both on everyone they know, some informal regulations on gift-giving have to exist.

For instance, family comes first. As Martin puts it, “you can’t pink-slip a relative.” Even if you’re strapped for time and money, she can’t see dropping a couple of people from your gift list.

“If somebody has less money to spend one year, they should just spend less on everybody. I presume the people on your list are there for a reason, so they shouldn’t be dropped,” she explains.

It’s not easy advice to follow.

“I’ll cut down one or two people some years, as opposed to buying for everybody,” says Lynnette Ward, an advertising sales assistant. “I might leave out people like my boyfriend’s family.”

It’s immediate family--a spouse, a parent or a child--you tend to see the most of. Hence, they’re the ones who will notice most immediately that you left them off your list.

And when it comes to family, children have to come first on any gift-giving guide. They’re generally easier to please and more fun to shop for.

“We always make sure the kids’ gifts are taken care of first, because the season is for kids anyway at this point,” says Betsy Cunneff, a Marina del Ray-based flight attendant, who places her five nephews at the top of the shopping list. “I get nervous about getting gifts for everyone, but especially for the kids.”

“The first person on my list is whoever I like best at the time, so my nephews get to be my first choice,” adds Los Angeles comedian Janeane Garofalo. “Children can do no wrong when it comes to (giving gifts).”

Once the kids are appeased, husbands and wives (and significant others) are next in line. You’ll be seeing a lot of their gift around the house, so plenty of cash and care must go into its purchase.

“The spouse is the one who makes out the best,” Nevin says. “I definitely have a higher limit on what I’ll spend for my husband. I’ll usually get something for him that we both want or need.”

Next up are the parents, perhaps the most difficult group for buying.

“Parents always say they don’t want anything, but if you don’t have something under that tree, you look like a bad seed,” says Ward.

Quantity isn’t the primary concern with Ma and Pa. Instead, it’s like you’re back in the second grade, and you brought home a finger-painting. To others, it was a mess. To your folks, it was a trophy.

“My dad always said, ‘I don’t care if you just write me a card, as long as what you give me is something personal that could only have come from you,’ ” says Goldstein.

A greeting card not only satisfies at least some parents, it also makes a nice substitute for those who come after parents on the priority list. Martin cautions that a holiday card “is a way of wishing someone well, not a present.”

Still, once you’ve taken care of the immediate family, they offer a way to deal with friends who are close enough to warrant recognition but not close enough to earn a gift.

“Cards are liberating in that way,” says Garofalo. “I prefer people to get me a card rather than a gift.”

Separating the gift people from the card people is a very inexact science, but there is one pretty standard rule.

“I think distance determines it,” says Lynn Oprie, who repairs videotape at a Los Angeles video store. “The farther away somebody is, the more likely they’ll be a card person.”

And don’t assume that loading a gift list with card people will save any time or money. In fact, the opposite can often be true.

“We send out 150 to 160 cards, and that’s a huge expense I’d never thought of before we started,” confesses Nevin. “Still, we certainly wouldn’t be able to by 150 gifts, and this is just a great time of year to keep in touch with friends.”

Once you’ve dealt with the card people, though, most holiday gift lists still aren’t taken care of. There’s the unforeseen factor to take into account.

“There are the obligation gifts,” says Goldstein. “You know, ‘Bob and Mary may get us something. We better get them something too.’ We did that one year, bought a couple of gifts to keep in reserve just in case somebody we didn’t expect got us something. It was horrendously expensive.”

“We buy a couple bottles of wine to keep at home in case somebody gives us something and we feel like fools not having something for them,” adds Nevin. “There’s always a little awkwardness about getting something from someone you hadn’t planned on giving to.”

The mannerly Martin insists that just because you’re a higher priority on someone else’s gift list than they are on yours, “there is no need to reciprocate. It’s a gesture of escalating the friendship, and if you don’t feel that should be, you just thank them.”

The fact that these folks didn’t figure into your priorities is significant. Making out a holiday gift list can mean more than simply deciding how much money you’ll spend and who you spend it on. It can be a present you give yourself.

“Prioritizing your list is a way to get your life in some order,” says Ward. “It shows you who is important in your life.”

A Guide to the Near-Perfect Gift This is the season of giving, but it’s also the season of worrying. What if the woman of your dreams didn’t go ga-ga over the 236-piece tool set? Or your 12-year-old winced at the complete works of Chaucer? Here are some guidelines for giving a near-perfect gift:

* For a child who’s not yours, give something loud. Top items: Drums, horns, beeping hand-held computer games. (Warning: This only applies if the child is someone else’s and the parents live too far away to hunt you down.)

* Don’t buy a spouse or Sig Other something for the house unless you have cleared it with them beforehand. A steam iron or a blender given to the wrong person can become a lethal weapon.

* If you are new to a relationship, don’t get too personal. Frederick’s of Hollywood isn’t going anywhere, so for now go for that tasteful heart of chocolates.

* Scratch the candy if your honey is on a diet.

* For a same-sex sibling or friend, who is about the same size as you, give something you absolutely love. This way if they hate it, you know the perfect person to take it off their hands.