News Wires Furnish Steady Stream of Strange Stories

In keeping with tradition (this column’s), we present the semi-annual salute to humanity, a recap of some of the wacky things our fellow voyagers on Planet Earth have done to themselves or to others in the recent past. All are reprinted here as written when originally distributed by wire services.

Would you believe . . . ?

SALEM, Mass.--Three hundred years after they were excommunicated and executed, two victims of the Salem witchcraft hysteria were readmitted to their church.

MIAMI--A man who popped his hood when his car wouldn’t steer right found a stubborn six-foot Asian water monitor lizard wrapped around the engine.

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia--A huge orangutan stripped a French tourist as he was strolling in a Malaysian park on Borneo island. The 14-year-old male orangutan grabbed the startled tourist and pulled off his pants, shirt, and underwear.

EDMONTON, Alberta--A jilted lover buzzed his estranged girlfriend’s house in a small plane, then crashed into the house when the plane ran out of gas, police said.

JOHNSON CITY, Tenn.--A doctor accused of taking a hospitalized patient out for a beer at a topless bar has been suspended from his job, officials said.

PRAIRIE DU CHIEN, Wis.--Two sisters accused of engaging in prostitution with men at a senior citizens’ apartment building were acquitted after two witnesses died and a third had trouble with his memory.

RICHMOND, Texas--A man who failed to pay funeral costs in full found his dead father’s body dumped on his doorstep, local authorities said.

BOSTON--The Boston Globe’s executive editor, tricked into posing with a sign for the rival Boston Herald’s lottery game, denied the Herald’s report Thursday that he tried to choke a photographer.

TAMPA, Fla.--Sixteen-year-old Kyle Thompson was in fair condition in Tampa General Hospital after being shot in the back by his cat, who jumped onto his bed, accidentally firing the .22-caliber rifle lying there.

HAYWARD, Calif.--A 67-year-old man was beaten to death with a lead pipe, the last resort of a mother-daughter team who allegedly failed to poison him with spiked drinks and meatloaf laced with oleander.

SAN ANTONIO--A man was arrested for allegedly biting a nightclub dancer in the rear end. He said the woman backed into his mouth.

SMITHTON, Pa.--Three cows were shot and killed in a drive-by shooting on a dairy farm, the second such attack within minutes near the town, police said. Seven other cows were wounded in the shooting Sunday evening.

CROWN POINT, Ind.--A man arrested for allegedly breaking into a woman’s house to tickle her feet has been ordered to undergo a psychological examination.

CONROE, Texas--A jury found a scientist innocent of trying to murder a co-worker by poisoning his nasal spray with a cancer-causing chemical.

TALLADEGA, Ala.--The school board has suspended a teacher for allegedly strip-searching two second-graders in a failed hunt for $7.

HEGINS, Pa.--Hundreds of animals-rights activists demonstrated at an annual pigeon shoot Monday, heckling shooters as they fired at birds released one at a time from cages and cheering loudly for the few that escaped unharmed.

CORONADO, Calif.--A woman who was sunbathing on the beach was injured when lifeguards who were looking for swimmers ran their vehicle over her.

CORAL SPRINGS, Fla.--A blind baboon dropped off at an animal clinic wearing a diaper and carrying a suitcase full of expensive clothes underwent cataract surgery this week.

LONDON--British travelers turned a blind eye when a couple had sex in public on a crowded train, but their patience snapped when the lovers rounded off their performance with a cigarette in a nonsmoking compartment.

MINEOLA, N.Y.--A couple who sued a pet cemetery for allegedly tossing their dog into a mass grave instead of burying the animal under a headstone with its collar, its toys and its pink blanket have been awarded $1.2 million.

BANDAR SERI BEGAWAN, Brunei--Hundreds of Japanese tires were withdrawn from Brunei after Moslems complained that the tire tread design resembled a verse in the Koran, officials said.

Kind of makes you proud to be a member of the human race, doesn’t it? Keep up the good work, people, and happy new year.