A Guide for Men Taking Plunge Into Matrimony

While growing up, I’d held tenaciously to the opinion that, for a guy, marriage was pretty much the moral equivalent of circumcision.

It seems to happen before you have any say in the matter. Everybody explains how it is supposed to be good for you, though they are deliberately vague on why. And, no matter what happens down the road, you’re scarred for life.

It’s this admittedly narrow-minded view (not universally shared by members of my sex) that kept me from proposing to my girlfriend of more than five years until Christmas Eve. I’d finally decided to take an unsupervised leap off the high board and become An Engaged Man.

I’ve been able to set aside all . . . OK, most . . . all right, some of the childish concerns that made marriage seem so terrifying. I realized that I wasn’t going to convince Geena Davis to live with me. I welcomed the security of waking up next to the same face every morning for the rest of my life. However, even a month into the engagement, it feels as if I’m hurtling toward the deep end.

Women are lucky. They have magazines like Bride, as well as each other, providing sound advice during this critical time. Men aren’t as fortunate. You don’t see Groom anywhere.

So, for my peace of mind and that of other males thinking of taking the plunge, I feel compelled to share some of the hassles a guy can expect.

The Announcement

Once you’re engaged, who do you tell and how quickly do you tell them? Certainly immediate family comes first, then the friends you and your intended have made together. After that come close friends who live out of town.

Then what? How about casual acquaintances you’ve made through work? Do you blurt out the information or do you wait to slip it in when they ask, “So, what’s new?” And what do you do with old friends you don’t speak to much anymore? Would they even care?

Actually, there is one thing I’ve learned: Chances are, anyone you tell will feel obligated to purchase some sort of wedding gift.

The Reactions

How people greet your engagement depends largely upon their gender. Women invariably will congratulate you. Men generally will express condolences. Women will be genuinely excited for you. Men will look at you the way they look at a horse about to be put out of its misery. Women will ask for details of how you proposed. Men will ask why you finally gave in.

Sometimes both women and men will react with shock. “I can’t believe you did this! Are you sure it’s what you want?” they’ll ask, with a combination of surprise and concern. Bear in mind these generally are the same people who just a few weeks earlier had been bugging you to get married because you’d been with the same person for five years.

The Bean Story

Somewhere along the line, somebody is going to mention this bit of folklore. In the first year of marriage, you’re supposed to put a jelly bean in a jar every time you make love. In the second year, you’re supposed to take a bean out every time you make love. This way, you’ll be able to tell whether your rate of love-making is declining with marriage. Most likely it will be a grimacing married man who tells you the tale.

The ‘H’ and ‘W’ Words

Perhaps the biggest sticking point in deciding to get married is the finality of the whole thing. Still, it’s possible to get over that hump if you can just avoid the use of certain key words that really hit home. The two worst are the “W” word, as in what your fiancee will be after the ceremony, and the “H” word, as in what you will be.

It’s best not to use these terms during the engagement. They can frighten a man away just as a car backfiring can send a cat under the bed. Personally, I’ve found that “husband-elect” and “wife-elect” are nice compromises.

The Ring Thing

This is something that took me by surprise. Shortly after I proposed, my wife-elect asked me if I planned on wearing a wedding ring. I didn’t realize I had a choice. I thought it was illegal to go around without a wedding band. Or, at the very least, immoral.

This is not as simple a decision as it may seem because of the possible ramifications. I know more than a few married men who like to wave their ring fingers around and proudly proclaim, “It’s like a magnet!” They insist that there’s nothing like a wedding ring to attract women. So here’s the dilemma: I can wear the ring, which might be taken as a sign that I’m still trying to meet women. Or I can leave it off, which might be taken as a sign that I’m still trying to meet women.

The Guilt

It seems that being engaged can really change the way a man deals with women. When I met women before The Proposal, I could talk for a long time without mentioning that I lived with a woman. It’s just what boys do. We like to extend for as long as possible the feeling that all women want us.

Now that I’m going to be married, though, I get so nervous I become too honest. I’m starting to introduce myself by saying things like, “Hi, my name’s Craig and I’m engaged. I’m taken. I’m not available at all. Really. . . . So anyway, I didn’t catch your name.”

Being engaged means never taking any chances.