An Angel Trade Is Born Every Minute

A phone rings.

“Hello, you have reached the offices of the California Angels. If you would like to trade us a player we have never heard of, press 1. If you would like to trade us a player who is seriously injured, press 2. If you would like to trade us a player who is retired or dead, press 3. Otherwise, wait for the beep.”

Beep.

“Good morning! California Angels! May I help you?”

“Probably. You’ve helped everybody else.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Could I speak to the Angels’ valet, please?”

“Our valet?”

“Yes. We’d like to take you to the cleaners.”

“Oh. You want our Director of Ridiculous Deals. One moment, please.”

Ring.

“Good morning! Director of Ridiculous Deals.”

“Morning. This is Ken I. Taykum calling from the Detroit Tigers. I’d like to discuss a deal.”

“Well, you’ve come to the right place.”

“I have?”

“Yes. We’re having our special February Spring Training Close-Out sale! Every healthy player on this lot must go! Outfielders! Infielders! We’re overstocked! Just take a look at this little beauty of a utility infielder! You could drive him home today, because none of our batters ever did!”

“We’re interested in two of your pitchers, Chuck Finley and Mark Langston.”

“Fine. They’re yours!”

“Wait. Don’t you want to know what we’re offering for them?”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot. What are you offering for them?”

“We’d like to offer you a player in return.”

“Good. We take trade-ins.”

“But I’m afraid that he’s not quite the player that he used to be.”

“Doesn’t matter! He’s good enough for us. What’s his name?”

“Ty Cobb.”

“Cobb . . . Cobb. That sounds familiar.”

“It should. His batting average is .367, lifetime.”

“Wow--.367?”

“Yes.”

“Is that good?”

“Yes. Any batting average over .300 is generally considered to be good.”

“I see. OK, we’ll take him.”

“Just like that?”

“Oh, right, right. I’m supposed to ask first if he has any defects. Does he need surgery?”

“No.”

“Is he thinking of giving up baseball to play football?”

“No.”

“Then it’s a deal!”

“OK, but I do feel it’s my duty to alert the Angels to one thing about Mr. Cobb that might cause you to change your mind. You see, Mr. Cobb is . . . “

“Now, never you mind. A deal is a deal.”

“But Mr. Cobb is . . . “

“Hey, don’t you go trying to back out of this. We’ll have Finley and Langston on a plane to Florida tomorrow. And you be sure to ship Cobb to us in Arizona.”

“That’s exactly how we’ll send him.”

“Fine, fine. So long, and have a nice season!”

Click.

Ring.

“Good morning! Director of Ridiculous Deals!”

“Morning. This is Rip M. Hoff of the Toronto Blue Jays. We’d like to propose a little transaction.”

“We’ll take it.”

“Wait. Don’t you want to know what the transaction is?”

“It’s that Pontiac sports car.”

“No. A transaction is like a deal.”

“Oh, rats. I really like that car. What can we do for you?”

“We like Salmon and Polonia.”

“Is that a Canadian dish?”

“No, we’d like to trade for Tim Salmon and Luis Polonia.”

“Oh.”

“We’ll give you four Blue Jays for them.”

“Four! It’s a deal!”

“Are you sure?”

“Am I sure? Sure, I’m sure! Four Blue Jays!”

“And we’ll even throw in their cage, their perch and a 20-pound bag of birdseed.”

“OK! Bye!”

Click.

Ring.

“Good morning! Director of Ridiculous Deals!”

“Hi. This is Howie Fleecem from the New York Yankees. Our groundskeeper has this rake . . . “

“Sold!”

“Sold?”

“Yes, and thanks for calling. And remember, a deal with the Angels is a deal from heaven.”