Lovely Book About a Game That Hates Those Who Play

Golf is not a game, it’s bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.

Everyone who ever played the game knows that. It has been variously described as a good way to spoil a nice walk in the country or, as Winston Churchill had it, “a diabolical exercise in human torture in which the object is to put a small ball in a round hole with implements ill-suited to the purpose.”

The mistake most make is that golf is playable. It’s not. It’s the ultimate unplayable lie. I have a friend, Bob William, who calls it “the pursuit of infinity.” Prowess at it is that unattainable.

Just consider, Jack Nicklaus has, on occasion, shot over 80. Ben Hogan once took a 12 on a hole (and then birdied the next one). Only the other day, Paul Azinger, no less, fanned on a shot.

So, the spate of golf books that come pouring forth from publishers with Pollyannaish regularity--”Golf Can Be an Easy Game,” “How To Take 20 Strokes Off Your Game in a Weekend”--make the Sunday hacker sigh and roll his eyes heavenward. Golf is the hardest game known to man, and the only way to take 20 strokes off is to give it up.

But, every so often, there comes a book that puts the game in perspective. It is written by somebody who understands perfectly the nature of the creature addicted to golf. It’s like that character in Somerset Maugham’s “Of Human Bondage” who was in love with a waitress who despised him, who mocked him, cheated on him, even knocked him down the stairs a time or two.

That’s about as parallel a description of the obsession between a golfer and the game as I can think of. It is a relationship he can’t get out of, even though it’s destroying him.

So, I’m happy to report that there is a book, “Mulligan’s Laws,” that puts this relationship in its proper light for those of you who think the game loves you. It doesn’t. It can’t wait to humiliate you.

The book purports to be excerpts from the diary of the late, great Thomas Mulligan, fourth Earl of Murphy, the man who allegedly gave to suffering golfers everywhere the blessed “Mulligan,” which is the second tee shot, that boon to duffers who have just topped their first into a thicket or have hit it straight up in the air and had it come down on the ball washer.

It was written by a guy named Henry Beard (from his dust-jacket photo I cannot tell if that is a name or a description), who endeared himself to me when he noted that he once shot his weight at Pebble Beach.

Beard, a.k.a. Mulligan, recognizes the game for the old bawd it is. Some of his (Mulligatawny) observations about it should be taken to heart by all of us.

For instance, Mulligan-Beard’s Laws tell us:

--If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

--When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

--A ball will always travel farthest when hit in the wrong direction.

--The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

--A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.

--Good sportsmanship is as essential to the game of golf as good penmanship is to the sport of stock car racing.

--The score a player reports on a hole should always be regarded as his opening offer.

--A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer.

--Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

--No one with funny head covers ever broke par.

--Out of bounds is always on the right.

--If you want to hit a seven-iron as far as John Daly does, simply play to lay up just short of the water hazard.

--A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

--Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

--If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, the ball in the bunker is yours.

--A ball you can see in the rough 50 yards away is not yours.

--A ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.

--A ball hit to the wrong green will always land two feet from the hole.

--You can hit a 200-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

--The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.

--A ball will always come to rest halfway down a hill--unless there is sand or water at the bottom.

--If you can’t find your ball in the rough, but do find a ball you could easily play, it will be orange, yellow or pink.

Well, you can see golfer Beard-Mulligan has a firm grasp on the nuances of the game. His book (Doubleday) has many more apt observations on our national obsession.

The only thing I would add to my fellow hostages is, “Don’t give up. We have to pay for our sins somehow.” I’m gambling that when we get to Heaven, St. Peter will look at us and ask, “Golfer?” And when we nod, he will step aside and say, “Go right in, you’ve suffered enough.”

One warning: If you do go in and the first thing you see is a par three surrounded by water, it ain’t Heaven.