THE KEYS TO WEDLOCK

I n today’s world of crumbling relationships and plit families, the most cherished values inmarriage--love, honesty and loyalty--seem to be taking a beating.

High divorce rates have ravaged families. Fidelity and integrity have been pushed aside by the “me” generation. Children--often the victims of bitter marital wars--have been left confused and troubled.

In the end, marriages too often become little more than financial deals gone sour.

Just recently, an Anaheim banker who successfully sued his ex-wife for fraud, contending that she lied about being sexually attracted to him, was awarded $242,000 in damages by an Orange County Superior Court jury.

The case made national headlines when Ronald Askew, 50, claimed Bonnette Askew had deceived him during their 13-year relationship when she later admitted that she had never felt sexually attracted to him. An Orange County judge ordered the woman to turn over her interest in four jointly held properties.

Whereas couples in recent decades had been quick to end their marriages when the going got tough, new evidence indicates couples today may be returning to the days when husbands and wives stuck with each other for better or worse.

For a look at what marriage and family mean to some, The Times asked four married Orange County couples to talk about their experiences and views on love, marriage, values and raising kids.

The couples settled in the Laguna Hills home of Ruth and Lee Hahn for two hours of talk and laughter.

Early Infatuations

Ruth Hahn--Lee and I met in high school. It was wonderful to have a boyfriend and to be going steady. I was the envy of everyone. Lee was cute, and he was so respectful of his parents. We really had no idea at 16 and 17 how we could get married, how we would be able to afford it. But then Pearl Harbor came on Dec. 7. We got married Jan. 1 because we knew that whatever time we had, we wanted to be together.

I had divorced parents. And when I got married, one thing that was very important to me was that my marriage last so that my kids would not be brought up as I was--with a stepfather. Not that there was anything that horrible about it.

Being married as long as we have, we’ve gone through much that I hope you guys won’t have to--the war, an unplanned pregnancy, unemployment.

Paramount in my mind was that we would struggle through all these things together. Today, I don’t know how much younger people feel that way.

Jeri Rimel--The first time I met Steve’s mother, I was so touched by the way he treated her, and that impressed me so deeply.

He openly was affectionate with her, and it was apparent the love they had for each other. I hadn’t seen a lot of young men showing that sort of affection and love for their mothers.

Of course, you’re initially attracted to the physical attributes of a person. And with Steve, it was also his zest for life and enthusiasm that attracted me. We enjoy doing a lot of things together, and if we didn’t share it . . . we were open to trying the other person’s if it was fishing or tennis or sailing or skiing.

Steve Rimel--When we first met, it was physical attraction and interests. With Jeri I’ve recognized over the years a lot of strength and solidarity that she has brought to the relationship and family. She became a real grounding point for our family.

Jeri Rimel--The relationship has strengthened over the years. I certainly didn’t realize at age 25 the depth of the relationship and how it would grow and develop and mature. For some people, all too often, the children become the focus and the spouse is left out. Certainly you go through different seasons or changes in a relationship where the children are younger and you have to take more time and it may seem a priority.

But Steve has always been my priority. As our children get closer to leaving, I know it will be an incredible adjustment and so forth, but he and I have continued to develop our relationship.

Amin David--Irene and I met in college. She was 19 and I was seven years older. There was a tremendous physical attraction that continues to this day. But I was also taken by her family and the structure they had maintained and the cohesiveness of her family. I admired that. I came from divorced parents, and it was very important to make the right decisions.

So there was a lot of testing that I did. She had to prove to me that she could cook.

Irene David--I lived in Glendale and he lived in East Los Angeles, and he would come to my house for dinner. So that meant I had to cook for the whole family every time he came. And he came several days a week.

We met at a social gathering of Latin American students. We liked the same culture, same music. Actually, he won my mother over first. She convinced me that I should date him. He was very polite and respectful.

Scott Johnson--We met at a (religious) convention. We were enamored with each other. I lived in Arizona, and we had a long-distance relationship for a while. A few months later, we got engaged, and she moved to Arizona.

Kari Johnson--Eight weeks before the wedding, he decided he didn’t want to marry me. He came over for lunch one day and said, “I don’t think this is going to work out.” I thought he meant lunch. But he said, “No, the relationship.”

I would say it was probably one of the most devastating experiences of my life. Eight months later, when we finally got back together again, my parents were not thrilled.

Scott Johnson--We started out rocky. But when we got back together again, there was a realsense of personal confirmation that this is great and this is right for us.

Honesty, Commitment, Divorce

Amin David-- This (Askew case) provoked a lot of thinking. The intimacy of a marriage is so profound and intertwined. Were there blinders on (Askew) that he could not see it? How could it (the wife’s dishonesty about her feelings toward her husband) not be uncovered (over the years)?

Lee Hahn--Faking orgasms is such a part of American life that I think they are teaching it in high school.

Ruth Hahn--He is a constant source of embarrassment to me. How could you say that? You are sitting here with a pastor. (Laughter)

I think there was a lot of money involved, and this man (Askew) was determined to protect his money. She was his wife and the mother of this kids. There (appeared to be) nothing bad about it (the marriage) except that he didn’t have his jollies. I really get the feeling he was looking for any way he could to come out ahead. And he did.

Steve Rimel--She (Bonnette Askew) said there were no fireworks (in the marriage). Relationships mature. You can’t have that same level of passionate infatuation when the relationship begins. You build on other things.

Kari Johnson--Who would even want to have some of that gushy feeling last? (She laughs).

Amin David--(Marriage needs) a lot of nurturing. You have to take it one day at a time because it would be overpowering to envision when we got married that we would be at it for 30-some years. Really, it is fathomless if you try to think about it.

Steve Rimel--I think when you enter a marriage you have basic honesty. But that doesn’t mean that you instantly say everything that comes to your mind.

There has to be a lot of understanding of where the other person is coming from. But if there’s a problem, you don’t let it lie. You have an excellent relationship if you can take a difficult situation and bring it right to the surface and talk about it.

Kari Johnson--Since we’ve only been married two years, the only honesty issue I can relate to is if the past is going to come in and cause jealousy. Questions like: “How long did you really go out with that person, or what did you do with that person?”

Irene David--People get divorced too quickly now, instead of trying to work things out. I think there used to be a lot of family support that used to keep a lot of marriages together.

Amin David--We are Catholic. So we take our vows very seriously.

Irene--We have a circle of friends who haven’t been divorced, but they’ve all had problems. We’ve had problems, too. But it’s never occurred to me that we should get a divorce because of the problems. We just work them out.

Steve Rimel--I think that’s a change of attitude within society today. If you go back 20 or 30 years, there was more of a feeling of you stay together and you work it out. There were probably more basic values. Today, I think society says do your own thing. Marriages and relationships suffer.

Kari Johnson--(Some young people feel) that if you are going out with someone, we may as well get married because we know we can can always get a divorce if it doesn’t work out. They come easy. Even a girlfriend who I worked with, the day she got married, she said, “Oh, I don’t know if it’s going to work, but I can always get a divorce.”

Lee Hahn--We’ve seen the whole gamut over the years. Ruth’s mother was divorced when she was 7 or 8 years old and she had a second husband. It was not something you discussed. It was a deep secret. We seem to have gone all the way from there to where divorce today is mundane.

Ruth Hahn--We had a circle of friends when we lived in Los Angeles--people we had grown up with--and there were no divorces. Coming here to Leisure World, it’s amazing how many second and third marriages there are. I didn’t think old people did it. (Laughter)

Lee--(Divorce) should have been for some people in our circle. I’m serious. Some people who were married 30 or 40 years had no place being together at all. They made each other unhappy, and they were just wasting their lives.

Irene David--One of our daughters got a divorce because she was an abused wife. She finally decided to end it. She had two children, so she tolerated it for six years, and then she decided it was not good for the kids and she divorced him.

Marriage and Children

Amin David--We have four children. We had three in one wave. Then the remarkable thing about our life was that after 17 years, we had another gift. Now we have a 12-year-old daughter in the house. She is the cement that bonds us.

At first, I went through a lot of emotions (about a new baby). I was looking forward to the fact that we would not be chained down and could maybe do some traveling and other things we wanted to do, but couldn’t because of children.

I kind of grumbled at the fact that she was pregnant, selfishly, I think. But it didn’t take me a split second to realize the beauty associated with having a second chance with another child. It has unearthed a flood of emotions that still is difficult to express. . . .

Irene David--I thought it was the early change of life. But no, I was going to have another baby. I thought it was exciting. I was 42 when she was born. I was ready for a change. I wasn’t expecting this one. I still make myself flexible to be with her most of the time whenever she needs me for school activities or to be home or to help her with schoolwork. She is my first priority.

She goes to parochial school, and I’ve always told her you have to choose friends whose parents have the same values as we do. Some of her friends, for example, are allowed to go to the mall by themselves. I don’t allow that at her age. I say pick friends whose parents feel the same way we do.

Lee Hahn--How are you going to handle this when she is 15 and 16?

Irene David--We’ll have to grow with her. We are willing to make some changes.

Steve Rimel--Quite frankly, I don’t think you can do that (instill good values) yourself just within the family. Peers have more influence on kids many times than parents. So from the parent’s standpoint, I think the logical solution is that you try to direct them in the right way to get them with right peer groups.

Ruth Hahn--I have a great deal of sympathy now for young women who are working with small children. Our daughter-in-laws do. It is very very hard. I still to this day at 3 o’clock get uneasy. I think I should be home because the kids are coming home.

It was terribly important to me because Lee and I were both latchkey children. They didn’t call us that then. But both of our mothers worked, and we were alone.

Kari Johnson--I think it’s something that’s really important to me. I think Scott thinks I could have my career and do that too (have kids). But, you know, Scott works with high school kids, and I did too for a few years, and there are just too many kids that don’t know that they are loved. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact the parents aren’t there. And as much as they can buy the things because of the careers that they have, I think it’s possible to scale down your lifestyles so that you can spend more time with your children.

Scott Johnson--I think there is a real trend in the culture of kids that is real narcissistic. There is no real sense of moral right or wrong in a lot of kids’ lives these days, and that’s because parents haven’t really drawn the line. I think, even for us when we were young it was different, and I’m sure for you guys. If your parents said it’s time to do something, boom, you did it.

Lee Hahn--Do the parents today know where the line is?

Scott Johnson--Oh, I don’t think so. I think that is the confusion. Kids are growing up and they are free to make their own decisions and until they really find out the results of the decisions they make, they are out there kind of experimenting. So I think sex, relationships all that kind of stuff comes into play.

Lee Hahn--Parents don’t know what (guidelines) are.

Kari Johnson--I can remember Sunday night dinners were standard in my house. I would not have traded it. It was just grilled cheese sandwiches, milkshakes and “Disney.” But I knew on Sunday nights my whole family was going to be together, and I don’t think that very many kids these days know or have that kind of thing.

Scott Johnson--The bottom line is families are different, and there are a lot of kids growing up with parents that have split up. I look at their lives, and I think they are so different from what my life was because my parents were married for 36 years.

Kari Johnson--There are so many kids who are cynical today, who say, “Oh, I’m not going to get married. Look at my parents.”

Ruth Hahn--I happen to believe in tradition very much. On Sunday nights we always made hamburgers and french fries, and Lee polished shoes. The funny thing about tradition is that Lee made his shoeshine kit in junior high school, and he’s used it all these years. A couple years ago he gave it to our older son. We’ve always been generous to our boys and their families. But that shoeshine kit really seemed to mean something to him because he remembers his dad always used it.

There were just certain things that were part of our home life . . . things that you do as a family. It would be nice if our children would carry it over into their lives.

As an old-timer, with grown children, I think now are the best years of our marriage. We consider ourselves fortunate. Sure, we’ll have some difficult times. But marriage is good for us. We can hold on to each other.

Who’s Who

* Ruth and Lee Hahn, both 71, are high school sweethearts who have been married for 51 years. They raised two sons, have four grandchildren and live in Leisure World in Laguna Hills. Lee is a retired furniture industry executive and edits a peace activist newsletter; Ruth is active in the National Council of Jewish Women.

* Irene and Amin David, ages 52 and 59, live in Anaheim. They have four children--the youngest is 12--and four grandchildren. They own a tile import and export business and a plumbing wholesale company. They have been married for 33 years. Irene tutors children through the public schools.

* Steve and Jeri Rimel, ages 52 and 47, married 22 years, live in Dana Point with two children, ages 16 and 14. Steve is a real estate investor; Jeri, a former high school and college counselor, is funding director for a Costa Mesa shelter for battered women.

* Kari and Scott Johnson, ages 25 and 30, have been married for two years. The Aliso Viejo couple have no children but plan to have a family someday. Scott is a youth director with Mission Lutheran Church; Kari manages a men’s clothing store and also works as a professional clown.