COMMENTARY : Trying to Pick a Romantic Movie? Read This First! : Bad Date Material : Good Date Material

Hollywood periodically needs to be reminded why it was put on this Earth--namely, to propagate the species. Now that “Sleepless in Seattle” is a smash success, everybody in Hollywood is talking “date movie,” as if this was some brand-new phenomenon--as if couples haven’t always used movies as a way station to romance, or at least as a way to figure out just exactly who they’re sitting next to in the dark.

Want proof? A friend of mine who adores musicals once broke up with his girlfriend when she snickered through an Astaire-Rogers movie.

Attention must be paid.

The recent scarcity of good date movies doesn’t mean couples don’t go out on dates anymore; it just means that they don’t emerge from the theater feeling all warm and fuzzy.

There must be a powerful need to feel that way now if something as tenuous and treacly as “Sleepless as Seattle” catches on big-time. But, as the surprise success of last year’s way worse “The Bodyguard” also proved, gaga is “in” these days. “Sleepless,” with its deliberately cornball, lovers-of-destiny scenario, is gaga in a safe, old-fashioned, humdrum way that doesn’t leave you too mixed-up in the multiplex.

Of course, date movies don’t necessarily have to be good movies, they just have to satisfy at least 4 of the following 5 requirements: (a) they must be unapologetically romantic (b) they must star attractive people you wish you looked like (c) they must have a plaintive, sexy score (d) they must contain no scenes involving semi-automatic rifles, skidding U-turns, or hot monkey love (e) they must be British.

When I was growing up the big date movies in high school were “Romeo and Juliet” (a-e), “A Man and a Woman” (a-c, e) and “Dr. Zhivago” (a-e). Some of these movies were also “make-out movies,” a subgenre. (If a date movie was good enough, it usually turned into a make-out movie.) None, however, were examples of that bane of teen-age boys, the dreaded “woman’s movie,” another subgenre, which was usually weepy and sacrificial and full of gowns and hairdos.

It seems unfair that there were more date movies 10 and 20 years ago, when the man on the date usually picked the movie, than now, when the bartering is more bipartisan. Date movies are usually romances of one kind or another, and the long-term drought in movie romance has had its parched effect; for the sake of a little on-screen nuzzling you have to be prepared to endure a lot of vroom and boom. “Days of Thunder” anyone?

Another case in point: In order to keep the women in the audience defrosted, the “Lethal Weapon” series periodically flashes Mel Gibson’s tush.

The surprise date movie of last year turned out to be “The Crying Game,” which suggests that, in the absence of clear-cut, gender-specific romance, androgyny and cross-dressing will do just fine. Whatever it is, at least it’s romantic.

As a public service for these treacherous times, then, I present a checklist of several dozen movies, selected first from the video bins and then from the current crop. Here’s how to rate their appropriateness as date movies:

A film that is listed as Good (for women) means it’s a good choice for a date movie if you are a woman; Good (for men) means it’s a good date movie if you’re a man. The reason why follows. The reverse holds true for Bad (for women) and Bad (for men). Recommendations that apply to both sexes are listed simply as Good or Bad. Got that?

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Video Rentals

“Fatal Attraction” * Bad: With the possible exception of “Henry--Portrait of a Serial Killer,” this is the Worst Date Movie of All Time. ‘Nuff said.

“Blue Velvet” * Bad: Any film featuring Dennis Hopper sexually terrorizing a supine woman while breathing through a gas mask and wailing mommmeee is terrible date movie material.

“Husbands and Wives” * Bad: Until further notice all Woody Allen movies are bad dates movies.

“The Silence of the Lambs” * Bad: If you’re seeing it on an empty stomach.

* Bad: If you’re seeing it on a full stomach.

“Basic Instinct” * Good (for women): If you’ve had it with men.

* Bad (for men): If your cozy evening for two included plans to defrost your freezer with a sharp object.

“Chaplin” * Bad: You’ll both be much too old by the time it’s over to try anything romantic.

“Ghost” * Good (for women): If you’re still in love with someone who has passed away.

* Bad (for women): If bringing him back means kissing Whoopi Goldberg.

“Thelma & Louise” * Good (for women): If you think it’s high time women took control of their own destiny and empowered themselves with the privileges of the patriarchy.

* Bad (for men): If you’re not Brad Pitt.

“When Harry Met Sally” * Good (for women): If you like talking to your boyfriend during the movie.

* Bad (for women): If you feel inhibited sounding off in public places.

“JFK” * Good (for men): If you want to impress your girlfriend with your vast knowledge of conspiracy-theory lore.

* Bad (for women): If his conspiracy theories sound more plausible than the reason he gave for coming home late last night.

“Wild Orchid” * Bad: All of Mickey Rourke’s pant-and-purr epics are bad date movies but excellent If You’re Having an Affair movies.

Current Releases

“The Bodyguard” * Good (for women): If you’re looking for a protector.

* Bad (for men): If you’ve just had a really bad haircut.

“Benny & Joon” * Good: If you have recently spent time in a sanitarium.

* Bad: If you darted into the theater playing this film in order to avoid that obnoxious mime on the sidewalk.

“The Firm” * Good (for men): If your idea of more “space” in a relationship means entering a witness relocation program.

* Bad (for women): If you’re dating the California Bar Assn. spokesman who has publicly called for an end to lawyer-bashing.

“Indecent Proposal” * Bad (for men): If your idea of a dinner date is buttered popcorn, medium Cokes and cheese nachos.

“Point of No Return” * Good (for women): If you’re a take-charge kind of gal.

* Bad (for men): If you think your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you.

“Jurassic Park” * Good (for men): If you feel manly having your date clutch you for safety.

* Bad (for men): If you don’t want the circulation in your upper forearm cut off for two hours.

“Much Ado About Nothing” * Good: If you are enraptured by talented real-life couple Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson.

* Bad: If the name “Keanu Reeves” in the credits led you to believe you’d be seeing “Bill & Ted & The Bard.”

“Free Willy” * Good: If you enjoy making out during movie.

* Bad: If your pleasure is ruined by repeated close-ups of boy hero massaging tongue of orca whale.

“Untamed Heart” * Good (for women): If you think it’s romantic watching Christian Slater play a guy with a transplanted baboon heart.

* Bad (for women): If your date has been acting like he has a transplanted baboon brain .

“Three of Hearts” * Bad (for men): If you suspect your blind date may be a lesbian.

* Bad: (for women): If you think your blind date is acting a bit too “professional.”

“What’s Love Got to do With It” * Bad (for women): If you ever fantasized yourself as an Ikette.

“Posse” * Good: Only if you are even more in love with each other than Mario Van Peebles is with his profile.

“Strictly Ballroom” * Good: If you spent your first night of bliss together after seeing “Lambada--the Forbidden Dance.”

“Sliver” * Good (for men): If that new Sharper Image catalogue has given you some interesting ideas.

* Bad (for women): If you are dating your landlord.