ON-RAMP

Remember those long childhood drives made bearable by spotting out-of-state license plates? Here’s some more sophisticated quarry for the bored commuter.

Give yourself a point for each of the following:

Blows Against the Empire People having a fistfight in their car.

Branch Library Driver reading behind the wheel.

Busy Signal Near-miss by someone talking on a car phone.

Captain Canine Dog in driver’s lap.

Cat in the Hat Old man in a hat driving a Cadillac.

Date Night Female passenger sitting right up against the male driver. (Rare in an age of bucket seats. Best bet: pickup trucks.)

Directionally Impaired Driver signals one way, turns another.

Flashback Bus painted hippie-style. Five points if in motion.

Legend in His Own Mind Person driving a new convertible with stereo on at 103 decibels.

Marital Separation Car pulling over suddenly, spouse jumping out, walking away quickly.

Metal Mamas Chrome naked ladies on mud flaps.

Phallic Phunnies Smutty bumper stickers on the order of “Fishermen have longer rods.”

Rip Van Winkle Turned left four months ago, signal still on.

Squeeze Play More than five people in a compact car, 10 in a full-sized one, four in a pickup cab.

Technicolor Pachyderm Car with at least three different colors showing.

Tile Tuneup Driver performing activities better confined to the bathroom, like picking nose, flossing, cleaning ears.

Scoring:

0-5 points: Better get those eyes checked.

6-10 points: Hey, it beats talk radio.

11-16 points: Quit rubbernecking. You’re holding up traffic.