‘Harts of West’ Stampedes the Sitcom Herd

There must be an anti-children conspiracy in Hollywood. Why else would TV depict so many kids as obnoxious?

One after another they make you cringe-- this is child abuse--and you don’t have to be a “family values” zealot to get the drift. In the latest example, tonight’s 8:30 debuts of “Boy Meets World” on ABC (Channels 7, 3, 10 and 42) and “Family Album” on CBS (Channels 2 and 8) set up a cross-network rivalry between smart-assed twerps who are 11.

Their repellency is all the more piercing when measured against a tenderly droll, subtly written supporting character, age 10, in “Harts of the West,” a lilting, lovably lighthearted buckaroo premiering at 9 p.m. Saturday on CBS. More about him and his unappealing sitcom counterparts shortly.

“Boy Meets World” is an alien with no recognizable human qualities, and “Family Album” is only marginally better. But “Harts of the West”--that rare, artfully executed hybrid of comedy and poignancy--promises one of the best rides of the new season in CBS’ all-Western Saturday night, provided it survives the present strike by its regular crew members over what they claim are unfair labor practices.

“Harts of the West” takes a stock premise--urban flight to the boonies--and fills it with quality fun. In this case the lead dude is Dave Hart (Beau Bridges), a 41-year-old Chicagoan whose heart attack becomes a wake-up call, giving him a sense of urgency that drives him to fulfill a lifelong dream of occupying the open spaces.

With his reluctant wife, Alison (Harley Jane Kozak), and their three kids with famous Western names--L’Amour (Meghann Haldeman), Zane Grey (Sean Murray) and John Wayne (Nathan Watt)--he arrives in Nevada to check out a ranch on which he has made a down payment. But to his dismay, the rickety Flying Tumbleweed is indeed tumbling and the owner has spent the down payment and then died (to be buried by his favorite spot, the outhouse). Moreover, the nearest town is a dusty burg that offers none of the amenities that his family is accustomed to, so bring on the awkward adjustment.

Yes, you’ve seen this scenario many times, and your lids are getting heavy. Except that executive producers Robert Moloney and Robert Lieberman--who also, respectively, wrote and directed the premiere--are too adept at the light touch to trap their characters in a cross-fire of cliches. Instead, the show becomes a sort of “Western Exposure,” populated by an underclass of eccentric characters led by the seedy ranch hand Jake Terrel (Lloyd Bridges).

In this unlikely environment, the Old and New Wests confront each other tenuously, their clumsy coexistence hot-branded on the airwaves by Moloney’s smart script. When a ratty-looking local spits tobacco juice near her, for example, the cheeky Alison responds: “I loved him in ‘Deliverance.’ ” And cowboy Dave assembles a group of rancheros who will remind no one of “The Magnificent Seven.”

“This is so pathetic,” Alison says. But enjoyably pathetic.

The cast is acutely in sync with the show’s breezy style, and there are some especially endearing moments between Beau Bridges and his father, Lloyd (whose role is recurring), and between Beau and the terrific Kozak.

None is more tender, though, than between Beau Bridges and Watt, the appealing actor playing 10-year-old John Wayne, who humorously merges with his new environment (“Rider comin’!” he calls out when a horseman approaches) even while worrying constantly about his dad’s health.

He’s insecure, yet in a way that doesn’t trigger the kind of shrill wisecracking that makes you want to clobber him. It’s rare on television that a child character is given such nuance, to say nothing of respect.

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Although inhabiting the same United States, John Wayne Hart and Cory Matthews are a universe apart. And “Boy Meets World”--a series for viewers who believe that everything sixth-graders do is funny--is close to being as bad as sitcoms get.

Cory (Ben Savage, brother of Fred Savage of “The Wonder Years”) is a stand-up comic in a sixth-grader’s body, a regular human joke machine onto whose tongue executive producers Michael Jacobs and April Kelly have transplanted adult dialogue.

When his little sister invades his treehouse, he snaps: “I gotta put a motor on this thing.” When he spots his teacher and neighbor, Mr. Feeny (William Daniels), through Feeny’s window, he cracks: “Hey, America’s Funniest Home Teacher.” That it’s only a kid snorting these cheap jokes doesn’t make them more likable or him more appealing.

Whether bantering with his friends, trying to snow his family or drawing detention from Mr. Feeny for wisecracking in class, Cory the Menace’s cocky one-liners just keep spewing, making him one revolting 11-year-old. The kid here is lost. AnIwannatellya . . . so is the series.

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That other 11-year-old is not the focus of the premiere of “Family Album,” a sitcom about a family that returns to Philadelphia from California so that the parents, Jonathan and Denise Lerner (Peter Scolari and Pamela Reed), can be near their parents.

But the TV addiction of precociously mouthy Jeffrey Lerner (Christopher Miranda) is a hub of a dreadful, lifeless, subsequent episode that was also made available for review. In that half-hour, his parents coax and cajole Jeffrey--who spends all of his time at home planted in front of the kitchen TV set--into giving up TV for a week. Because he’s another of prime-time’s kid con artists, however, he manages to circumvent the agreement, and soon he’s again riveted to the set, regurgitating TV trivia.

Although not as offensive as Cory of “Boy Meets World,” Jeffrey is definitely no advertisement for childbearing. You’d notice him more tonight were he not largely overshadowed by some of the even more distasteful characters that inhabit this series. The opening script was written by executive producers Marta Kauffman and David Crane, who appear to have undergone some sort of lobotomy since creating and nurturing the brilliant comedy “Dream On” at HBO. “Dream On” executive producer Kevin Bright is their partner for “Family Album” too.

Denise and Jonathan tonight are overcome by regret concerning their return to Philadelphia. And no wonder. Denise’s overbearing, widowed mother (Rhoda Gemignani) is heartlessly critical of her daughter, coldly rejecting Denise’s pitiable attempts to win her approval. Jonathan’s father (Alan North) is despotic, and his mother (Doris Belack) treats Jonathan like an infant, even buying his underwear. As a bonus, Denise’s unmarried sister (Nancy Cassaro) slaps around her delinquent teen-age son, and the Lerners’ teen-age daughter (Ashlee Levitch) is a nasty snot.

This is a very grating crowd in a loud, tumultuous program that is funny only when Jonathan is playing mama’s boy to his relentlessly pampering mother. And that subsequent episode is even worse.

Anti-children conspiracy, anti-comedy conspiracy.