Fans Are Spared a Yawn a Minute

THE COLLEGES

The dream matchup for Bottom Ten fans--one that is not scheduled, alas--would be Temple (1-2) vs. Columbia (1-1). Their won-loss records wouldn’t seem to be miserable enough. But Temple, in its last two losses, has unveiled its famous Point-a-Minute Defense, surrendering 62 points per game. And Columbia, which has scored 10 points in two games, is drawing attention to its hapless Point-a-Quarter Offense.

Syracuse receiver/prognosticator Shelby Hill, meanwhile, made a point-a-minute mistake when he picked his team to rout Cincinnati by 70 points. The red-faced Orangemen squeaked by, 24-20. Syracuse offensive coordinator George DeLeone said later that the team “made a lot of plays that are going to embarrass us as we look at the film,” a statement that forced Bottom Ten selectors to rank Syracuse No. 18.

No. 17 Stanford dropped out of the Rose Bowl race with its second conference defeat, an upset loss to UCLA and running back Sharmon Shah (187 yards gained). Obviously the Bruins’ blockers put the word out to Stanford: Don’t squeeze the Sharmon.

The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Maryland (0-4) 28-55, Va. Tech Penn State 2. San Jose State (0-4) 13-46, Cal Washington 3. Houston (0-3) 21-42, Michigan Baylor 4. Texas (0-2-1) 10-41, Louisville Rice 5. Yale (0-2) 14-25, Connecticut Central Florida 6. Ill (0-3) 7-13, Oregon Purdue 7. LSU (1-3) 20-42, Tennessee Utah State 8. Ore. State (1-3) 0-33, Arizona Arizona St. 9. Pitts (1-2) 28-63, Ohio State Louisville 10. Temple (1-2) 14-66, B.C. Rutgers

11. Las Vegas (Circus Circus) (1-3); 12. Colorado State (1-3); 13. Utah State (1-3); 14. Dartmouth (0-2); 15. Tie between Columbia (1-1) and Georgia (1-3); 17. The Genius (2-2, 0-2 in the Pacific 10 Conference); 18. Syracuse (3-0-1); 19. Idle; 20. Texas at El End-over-End Paso (1-3).

Rout of the Week: Rice (3-1) over Texas (0-2-1).

THE PROS

Is Tampa Bay’s Sam Wyche setting unrealistic goals? “. . . The thing we are battling, like all teams that haven’t been winning for a long time,” he said Monday, “is getting that first win.”

Bold talk, indeed, by the coach of the NFL’s expansion team emeritus.

Then there’s the Lost Team of Atlanta, veteran victim of Monday Night Massacres, whose defense has sunk out of sight. The Falcons have given up 146 points in four games, causing no end of headaches for coach --- ----- (fill in name of new coach).

Speaking of puzzling situations, Detroit owner William Clay Ford reportedly phoned backup quarterback Erik Kramer personally last week and left a congratulatory message stating that Andre Ware would be starting. Club officials said that Ford meant to phone Ware but that an assistant had inadvertently given him Kramer’s number.

The rankings:

AND THEN THERE WERE FOUR (The NFL’s Winless Souls)

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 28. Tampa at Bay (0-3) 17-47, Chicago Detroit 27. Cincinnati (0-4) 10-19, Seattle Idle 26. New England (0-4) 7-45, N.J. Jets Idle 25. Atlanta (0-4) 17-45, Pittsburgh Chicago

*NFL’s winless souls.

THAT PARCELLS MAGIC

Olde England Coach Year Record After 4 Games 1. MacPherson 1992 0-4 2. Parcells 1993 0-4

Material guy: ESPN’s Pat Haden said that rejuvenated N.J. Jet quarterback Boomer Esiason may become “the most famous peroxide blond” in New York since Madonna.