Valley Parenting : An Early Feel for Threads : Making a personal fashion statement is one of a child’s first steps toward independence.

Casey Klein is still a few years away from studying American history, but like most 3-year-olds she already knows plenty about declarations of independence.

She made a rather powerful one recently as we departed for a family get-together. Words were not necessary. Hers was a fashion statement.

The outfit included a white petticoat with torn fringe, pink and blue high-heeled plastic shoes and a multicolored plastic charm necklace. The exclamation point: a white elastic headband--conceived and hand-sewn by her grandma--that features two pony-tail tresses of blond doll’s hair.

“OK, Dad,” she said as she descended the porch steps. “I’m ready to go.”

Uh, not so fast, dear.

My wife and I did not realize it at the time, but we had arrived at a universal parental checkpoint--the day it dawns on children that they are ready, quite willing and more than able to choose their own clothes and dress themselves.

“The basic developmental task for a child in toddlerhood is to start developing autonomy,” said Janet Fish, a professor of child development at Cal State Northridge.

“They start expressing that by saying, ‘No,’ ‘me,’ or ‘mine.’ Choosing their own clothes is also a very important expression of that autonomy.”

But what are parents to do when their otherwise agreeable and lovable young children insist on making outrageous wardrobe decisions?

Experts say go with the flow.

“You definitely want to encourage them to make their own clothing choices,” said Irene Goldenberg, a professor and family psychologist at UCLA. “Parents feel like they’re dressing dolls sometimes. They need to learn to let go.

“There are certain settings, such as Thanksgiving, or when you’re having company over for dinner, where parents should comment about what’s appropriate. But for the most part, what you wear on your body should reflect who you are.”

Tim and Laura May of Encino agree. Their three sons (Brian, 8; Kevin, 4, and Daniel, 3) each has his own sense of fashion.

When he was in nursery school, Brian was a stickler for perfect seams in his socks. For a time, he also loved wearing only red.

Kevin was not as particular, but last year Daniel rotated several costumes and their accessories as preschool clothes.

“He’d make five costume changes in an hour,” Laura said. “Sometimes he wore his Batman cape, sometimes he wanted to wear his Ninja Turtle tights. If I stopped him from doing it, he’d be screaming and miserable.”

Child development specialists say that offering choices is the best way to ease what can often be a maddening experience for some children and adults.

For example, Goldenberg suggests parents allow a child to choose from three garments or outfits that meet the parents’ approval. “That way, he’s not picking out a pair of shorts when it’s snowing outside,” she said.

Above all else, take the time to make choosing clothes as easy as possible. The extra few minutes spent planning the night before will save patience from wearing thin in the morning.

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And finally, instead of fearing peer influence and its negative effect, turn it into a positive. You might shudder knowing your child will be laughed at by schoolmates because of his or her wardrobe selections. But if she absolutely insists, well, let her face the music.

“It gets a message across that you couldn’t by lecturing for five hours,” Fish said.

Of course, there are some children who defy the experts and don their own designs regardless of feedback from parents or peers. Alicia and Gilbert Smith of Burbank work out compromises with their children, LaTosha, 10, and Kyle, 8. But Tiffany, 7, is another story.

“She’s always been into her own thing and she thinks she’s the boss,” Alicia said. “She can be very stubborn, and when she puts her foot down, it stays down. Usually, I just say, ‘Fine, wear what you want.’ ”

That’s exactly what I said to Casey the night her apparel announced her coming of age. With a little--OK, a lot--of begging, pleading and cajoling from Mom and Dad, she agreed to wear a sweater.

Since then, we have set some ground rules and allowed for choice. We’re confident we’ll be ready for a similar scenario when our son, Christopher, turns 2 next September.

Still, a father can never get too comfortable. Casey might be years away from reaching it, but I can just imagine her, in all of her strong-willed glory, wearing us out at the next flash point of clothing controversy--adolescence.