Studies in Weird 101 : Want to contact the dead? Run a topless bar? There’s a class for you.

The other day I picked up a catalogue from a place called the Learning Annex, and leafed through it. I sometimes get half a notion to stop being a journalist, take some classes and make something of myself.

I perused the expected “how-to” stuff, like “Become Computer Literate in One Weekend” and “Start a Home-Based Medical Billing Business”--pragmatic courses that no doubt contribute to the betterment of humankind. My attention, however, was drawn to other types of, um . . . study.

Yes, at the Learning Annex, I found it possible to design the following class schedule for this month: “How To Make Your Own Adult Video,” taught by Tiffany Storm, star of “over 100” X-rated films; “Become a Dominatrix, for Fun, Love or Profit”; “Be a Bitch!” (“Not for Women Only!”); “How to Strip for Your Lover”; “How to Start, Own, Manage, Run or Even Dance in a Topless Bar”; “How to Get Anything on Anybody”; “Aromatherapy--Use Natural Fragrances for Healing, Awakening and Pleasure”; and “Spiritual Reunions With Dr. Raymond Moody,” which, the catalogue promised, “will put you in touch with your departed loved ones.”

I was a little puzzled about how these courses might contribute to the betterment of humankind, so I phoned Learning Annex Executive Director Toby Berlin to find out. Berlin, a nice and patient lady, promptly and repeatedly pointed out that these are just a few of the Annex’s 180-plus classes in the L.A. area, and that most of them are very practical, and not so wild-and-woolly.

“We offer what no college or school can,” Berlin responded, in a kind of New Age, gentle monotone. “We’re not bound by any curriculum, any rules or regulations, we’re always searching to bring great new ideas to enhance life, improve health, nurture growth.”

Berlin applied the same basic utopian comment to each of the Annex’s, um . . . high-profile classes--along with stuff about how “exciting” and “fun” they are and how they are taught by “the most incredible” teachers. I asked some credible questions.

Could Dr. Moody really put me in touch with the dear departed--aside from passing out road maps to cemeteries? I’d really like to play a couple hands of poker with my old man again.

“Dr. Moody,” she said, “will give you detailed instruction for contacting departed loved ones.” Such miraculous instructions, she added, can be revealed only in the $29 class. (A hell of a bargain, when you think about it.)

OK, well, what about “How to Get Anything on Anybody” taught by “investigative paralegal” Barbara Archembald? Sure, it might be nice to learn legal means to find an adoptive parent, an old girlfriend or boyfriend, even someone who owes you money--but what about those who might want to find someone to, oh, let’s say, shoot?

“I’m sure there’s a dark side of people,” Berlin said. “I tend to believe that our students--you know, that we really offer great service here. Perhaps this class, if someone is being stalked, this class can teach them ways where they can protect themselves!”

Hmm. Next question. Does anyone, I asked, really need a class to learn to make an adult video? Don’t you just get some unclothed adults all jazzed up and aim a camera? And how hard is it to “strip for your lover” or “dance in a topless bar?” Just undress and wiggle!

“Our course descriptions are pretty accurate about what you can learn in a class,” Berlin said, with a slightly exasperated chuckle, “so you can look at that.”

She didn’t want to answer, and I couldn’t blame her. I was being a little provocative, after all. I asked her to refer me to a few teachers for “free samples” of their classes, and she kindly did.

First I called dominatrix instructor Ava Taurel, described in the catalogue (in part) as “a consultant to the medical, legal and entertainment professions” and “accomplished photographer and journalist,” and a guest college lecturer who speaks seven languages. It didn’t say whether she designs rockets.

“I stress the differences in styles of dominance,” said Taurel, who announced that she will soon head to India to meet Mother Teresa, and study Indian languages. (She really said this.)

“Sometimes you want to embarrass someone, or put someone down like a little boy, but other times you want to take control of a man, but you don’t want to destroy his maleness,” she said. “All this can be done positively and negatively. Women in these classes are frightening sometimes. It’s frightening what they want to do to a man!”

Yup, it sure is.

I phoned Rebecca Sperber, whose “Be a Bitch!” course promised “with a little self-exploration and practice, anyone can be one!” I wondered if they handed out diplomas. Sperber, it turns out, is a dedicated psychotherapist with a marriage and family counseling license who has taught Annex courses for seven years. Is she a you-know-what?

“I can be, and I’ve been called one,” she said.

The class title, however, is misleading. The goal, Sperber says, said, is not to make people incorrigible but rather to help “nice” people avoid exploitation by those who aren’t so nice: “We don’t teach you how to roll over people and be manipulative,” she said. “It’s actually an assertiveness-training class. The message we’re trying to give in that title is you may have to run the risk of having people view you as one.”

Ah, so bit - . . . um, incorrigibility, is in the eye of the beholder?

“We talked about in the class the difference between a negative and positive one,” she said. “We might ask: Do you think Madonna’s one? Roseanne? A negative one or positive one, and why. Alexis Carrington from ‘Dynasty’ came up as a negative--conniving, self-serving, narcissistic. Madonna is not a negative. Roseanne is not.”

I wasn’t sure I agreed with her about Madonna.

Next I phoned Stuart Geltner, the aroma-therapy guy. If I take his class, I asked, will I learn what I should sniff to cure stress?

“Aroma therapy,” said Geltner, also in that New Age monotone, “is not considered by the FDA to be a prescribable healing modality. I can’t really recommend to any person that they use any particular oil for any particular ailment.”

Right, right. So tell me what to smell in a legally acceptable fashion.

“For mental stress, lavender is extraordinary,” said Geltner, who teaches the class with wife Elaina. “We’ve also found peppermint can be very good for stress. Chamomile is a wonderful stress formula, particularly for children.”

Geltner spoke authoritatively about his subject--how “aroma healing” is common in France, how some Japanese businesses release a “relaxing” scent into their front offices and a “scent that has been known to increase accuracy” in accounting departments.

(Well, maybe so. Once I smelled smoke, and it made me dial 911 with perfect accuracy.)

He also said that neroli (orange blossom oil) is reportedly effective against insomnia and that a “synergy” of lemon and eucalyptus is very good for halitosis and flatulence.

I thanked Geltner--especially for the halitosis tip--and moved on. I had hoped to phone Tiffany Storm about that adult video class, but Berlin said she was “very hard to reach.” I don’t think I could have handled it, anyway. I’d had about all the learning I could take in one day. I needed a good whiff of lavender.