Rams Proving That Real Life Can Imitate Art

She’s beautiful, smart, goal-oriented, and she just inherited the Cleveland Indians. Unfortunately, she wants to move the franchise to Miami, and a losing season is her only ticket to Florida. So she signs the wildest gang of screwballs that ever spit tobacco. . . --from the videocassette jacket of the movie, “Major League”

The Rams do not fool us.

We know exactly what they’re doing, because we’ve seen it all before.

So has the Ram front office, in all likelihood, since the rental fee for the 1989 baseball comedy “Major League”--$3 for three evenings at your local Music Plus--fits within the budget allocated for Team Research and Development in 1993.

“Major League” begins with the death of the owner of the Cleveland Indians and the passage of the team presidency to his ex-showgirl wife. In a secret meeting with the team’s general manager, the new owner reveals her insidious plot: She wants to move the franchise to Miami, noting that the team’s current lease includes a clause that “says we have the right to move if attendance falls below 800,000 for the year. If we play bad enough, we should be able to come in under that.”

“You want us to lose?” the incredulous GM asks.

“No, we’ve been losing,” the owner replies. “What I want is for us to finish. . . DEAD LAST.”

Any of this sound vaguely familiar, Ram fans?

Consider the following similarities between cinematic fiction and on-the-field reality and ask yourself: Mere coincidence?

I think not.

“Major League”: Scene-setting montage of newspaper headlines indicate that team has been in slump for 34 years. Last won league championship in early ‘50s.

Rams: Team has been in slump for 42 years. Last won league championship in early ‘50s.

“Major League”: Another headline reads: “Indians Owner Dies; Ex-Showgirl Wife Becomes Chief.”

Rams: In 1979, Rams owner dies; ex-showgirl wife becomes chief.

“Major League”: Lou Brown, 60ish, manager of the Toledo Mud Hens for 30 years, is hired by ex-showgirl owner to run team.

Rams: Chuck Knox, 60ish, head coach of various NFL teams for 20 years, is hired by ex-showgirl owner to run team.

“Major League”: Ex-showgirl owner tells her general manager, “I want to put together a team that will help us relocate to Miami . . . Miami has offered to build us a new stadium--62,000 capacity, 45 VIP boxes--and for me, a mansion in Boca Raton, plus free membership in the Palm Beach Polo and Country Club. No other franchise in baseball can match that deal.”

Rams: Ex-showgirl owner is reportedly considering a move to Baltimore, which is planning to build a new stadium--60,000-plus capacity with VIP boxes--and would charge the new tenant $1 per game in rent, would fork over all ticket, parking and concession revenues to the new tenant and would spend an additional $4.5 million to renovate the existing practice facility. No other franchise in football can match that deal.

“Major League”: Team’s lease with city features unique escape clause. Low attendance would provide legal clearance to leave.

Rams: Team’s amended lease with city features unique escape clause. Low attendance would provide handy excuse to leave.

“Major League”: Seeking to assemble a squad bad enough to drive away the home fans, team invites a rag-tag collection of rejects, has-beens and criminal types to training camp.

Rams: Seeking to assemble a squad bad enough to drive away the home fans, team invites a rag-tag collection of rejects, has-beens and criminal types to training camp.

“Major League”: One newcomer is veteran catcher Jake Taylor, a free agent from the Mexican League. “Wish we had him two years ago,” mutters one coach. “We did,” says the other coach. “Four years ago then,” replies the first coach.

Rams: One newcomer is veteran defensive end Fred Stokes, a free agent from the Washington Redskins. “Wish we had him five years ago,” mutters one coach. “We did,” says the other coach. “Four years ago then,” replies the first coach.

“Major League”: Fan looks over roster printed in newspaper and says to other, “Ricky Vaughn? Willie Hayes? I never heard of most of them. Mitchell Freedman?”

Rams: Fan looks over roster printed in newspaper and says to other, “Thomas Homco? Deral Boykin? I never heard of most of them. Keith Loneker?”

“Major League”: Team routed in opener by old-time powerhouse, New York Yankees, 9-0.”

Rams: Team routed in opener by old-time powerhouse, Green Bay Packers, 33-6.

“Major League”: Team predictably flounders, starting season 15-24 to fall seven games out of first place.

Rams: Team predictably flounders, starting season 2-7 to fall four games out of first place.

“Major League”: Team’s highly paid, once-great superstar, played by Corbin Bernsen, is criticized by a teammate for becoming too soft after refusing to dive for a crucial ground ball. “Year after this, I go free agent,” Bernsen replies. “I am not about to risk major injury. . . for a collection of stiffs.”

Rams: Team’s highly paid, once-great superstar, played by Jim Everett, is criticized for becoming too soft after failing to scramble on a crucial third-down play in Atlanta. Two years after this, Everett goes free agent. He is not about to risk major injury for a collection of stiffs.

“Major League”: Manager Brown discovers owner’s evil plot and informs players in midseason team meeting. Catcher Taylor stands up and announces, “Well, I guess there’s only one thing to do. . . Win the whole (bleeping) thing.”

Rams: No one has stood up, yet.

“Major League”: As added motivation, Brown brings a life-size cardboard cut-out of the owner into the locker room and promises to peel off one small piece of her leopard-skin dress after every victory.

Rams: Knox hasn’t tried this one yet.

“Major League”: Team rallies down the stretch, forces a one-game playoff with the Yankees, wins playoff in dramatic fashion and the franchise is saved.

Rams: Sorry, no can do.

What do you think this is, Hollywood?