Bringing Out the Best : Tips can aid parents in easing tension and helping children mind their manners, especially during the critical holiday periods.

Very often, the holidays bring out the beast in our little lambs.

“Children will be visiting more people at this time than the rest of the year,” said Kimber Lee Wilkes, a manners teacher at Pierce College who has an 8-year-old son. “They are placed in situations they aren’t used to.”

How can you ease the tension and help your children mind their manners? Some tips to help spread holiday cheer:

* Review basic etiquette, such as use of the “magic words” please and thank you. Pay particular attention to social graces pertaining to the season, including table manners, introductions, thank-you notes, sleep-over and traveling manners.

* Practice what you preach. If you can’t tear yourself away from the Rose Bowl when guests arrive, how can you expect your child to learn to be a gracious host?

* No matter how stressed you are, try to maintain a positive attitude. “If parents are feeling negative about the holidays, the child will pick up on it and act out,” warned Elaine Massion, a Los Angeles Unified School District psychologist who has an 11-year-old daughter.

* Remember, practice makes perfect. Wilkes’ survey of her classes showed that people are so busy, only one-quarter of her students’ families eat together. Although the days before the holidays are especially hectic, share family meals. This is the prime time to rehearse manners until it becomes a natural part of living. Talk about how to respond to various scenarios. Praise them when they are polite.

* Play a “What if . . . “ game, Wilkes suggests. For example, ask your child: “What if you receive a gift you dislike or already own?” This will teach your 5-year-old not to show disappointment and to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings--and to say “thank you.”

* Preempt problems by preparing your child for the event. Discuss who will be there and what will happen. Massion agreed: “Children handle things well as long as there are no surprises.” Wilkes added: “If young people are taught manners, they’ll be more confident and know how to handle situations.”

* Involve your child with planning festivities. “My daughter is in charge of decorations and activity ideas,” Massion said. “Because of her participation, she regards her hostess chores seriously, and the occasion is more meaningful.”

* Have reasonable expectations. Most kids can’t sit as long as adults at dinner. Designate another area where children can retreat. Provide videos, cards or board games to keep them busy. Seeing another youngster open a present can make little ones jealous. To head off problems, include your children when buying and wrapping the gifts. Make a fuss over them when they give to others. Minimize competition by establishing a set limit to costs for gift exchanges.

*

What if your children dread having their cheeks pinched or kissed by Aunt Hilda?

“Parents can be an advocate and make excuses for younger children. Older children can offset an insult by saying, ‘I love you, Aunt, but I’m too big for kisses,’ ” Wilkes advised. Massion suggests that you validate your children’s feelings but explain that they’ll only be uncomfortable for a short time and to make the best of it, since sometimes one has to put another’s feelings first.

* Explain that bad manners can hurt another person. Rivi Shulman, a Granada Hills Girl Scout leader and mother of two, spent weeks searching for a special holiday gift for a child. “She didn’t respond when she opened it. I felt so let down,” Shulman recalled.

Beth Laurence of Chatsworth also had a disappointing holiday experience. “We were back East to celebrate Thanksgiving with family. My daughter was excited about seeing her older cousin. But my niece ignored her and made plans with friends. Her rudeness spoiled our entire visit.”

Remind your children to treat others the way they would want to be treated. Be considerate of the harried salesperson, the harassed waiter and the younger cousin.

Common courtesy is the basis of the true holiday spirit--it creates peace on Earth and good will toward men.

BOOKS OF POLITE REMINDERS

Manners should be taught throughout the year. These books, categorized by age level, may help:

PRESCHOOL, ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

“Hello Gnu, How Do You Do? A Beginning Guide to Positively Polite Behavior,” written by Barbara Shook Hazen and illustrated by Dara Goldman (Doubleday). With appealing illustrations and text, the animal characters in this book demonstrate how to behave in a variety of situations.

“Manners,” written and illustrated by Aliki (Greenwillow). Readers discover how to behave at mealtime, sleep-overs and more.

“What Do You Say, Dear?” written by Sesyle Joslin and illustrated by Maurice Sendak (Young Scott Books). What does a lady say when a knight rescues her from a dragon? What do you say when you bump into a crocodile? Through humorous and fantastic situations such as these, readers learn the polite response.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND UP

“Soup Should Be Seen, Not Heard! The Kid’s Etiquette Book,” written by Beth Brainard and illustrated by Sheila Behr (Dell). This book covers the rules of etiquette in such an entertaining way, you don’t realize how much you’re learning.

JUNIOR HIGH AND UP

“Manners That Matter for People Under 21,” written by Dale Carlson and Dan Fitzgibbon (E. P. Dutton), examines almost every social situation confronting young people today, including dating and party problems.

ETIQUETTE CLASSES

A sampling of area etiquette classes:

College of the Canyons, 26455 N. Rockwell Canyon Road, Valencia, (805) 259-7800, Ext. 304. “Sugar and Spice.” One Saturday, April 2, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.; $16. For girls 6 to 10. Reviews basic etiquette, grooming and modeling.

John Robert Powers, Sherman Oaks Galleria, No. 305, 15301 Ventura Blvd., Sherman Oaks, (818) 789-7146. “Basic Modeling and Self-Development.” Eight-week session. Call for schedule and price information. For youngsters 10 years and up. Manners unit covers table settings, party planning, accepting criticism and thank-you’s.

Learning Tree University, 1408 Thousand Oaks Blvd., Thousand Oaks, (818) 706-0180. “Preteen Modeling” (ages 8 to 12; six Thursdays, 3:30 to 5:20 p.m.); “Teen Modeling” (ages 12 to 16; six Wednesdays, 3:45 to 5:45 p.m.). Next session Jan. 10; $69. Includes information on social graces, grooming habits.

Pierce College, 6201 Winnetka Ave., Woodland Hills, (818) 719-6425. “Minding Your P’s And Q’s.” Meets six Tuesdays, 5:30 to 6:30 p.m.; $29 plus $6 materials fee. New session in February. Ages 9 to 13. Teaches social savvy, including table manners, introductions, phone etiquette and appropriate dress.

Powers International-California Studios, 1111 N. Brand Blvd., Suite F, Glendale, (818) 543-1211. “Self-Development: The Model Image.” Ten-week course. Call for schedule and price information. For ages 9 to 18. Includes business and social etiquette.

Your New Image, P. O. Box 33636, Granada Hills 91394, (818) 368-2036. Private weekly half-hour lessons for individual child or group. $50 per month. Ages 3 and older. Includes party manners, introductions and letter-writing.