THE BIZ : Maybe There’s a Melrose Place in Heaven

The people who inhabit “Melrose Place,” Fox’s steamy nighttime soap, may think they live in Los Angeles, but here are a few reasons why that is absolutely impossible:

* There is always an apartment available in the Melrose complex.

* There are no homeless people.

* No one ever complains about traffic or parking.

* No helicopters disturb their nighttime larks.

* Their cars are never stolen.

* There is only one washing machine in the building and no one ever finds still-wet clothes dumped on the floor.

* The city is never on fire.

* Everyone--doctors, reporters, corporate types--gets ready for work in light that looks distinctly like it is about 11 in the morning.

* No one ever gets a tan.

* It takes about 10 minutes to get from Melrose Place to the beach, weekend, weekday, rush hour, whenever. Why can’t we find this route in our Thomas Guide?

* No one owns a Thomas Guide.