10 LISTS OF TEN FOR THANKSGIVING : 10 Excuses to Get Out of Work on Friday

1. A member of Earth First! has chained himself to our turkey.

2. As part of the NAFTA pact, our family’s Thanksgiving celebration was unexpectedly moved to Mexico. I may be able to come back Monday under a side agreement negotiated by President Clinton.

3. My cousin from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms was in charge of roasting the turkey, and I have to wait for the insurance adjuster to arrive.

4. I have a very weird hangover. We misread the recipe for vodka gimlet as vodka giblet.

5. It seemed cruel to kill the turkey outright, so we flew in Dr. Kevorkian to conduct an assisted gobbler suicide. However, the bird is still undergoing counseling and we haven’t eaten yet.

6. I decided to let my wife carve the turkey and, um, there was a slight mishap (The John Wayne Bobbitt Excuse).

7. I became addicted to painkillers after burning my scalp on the oven door.

8. I have to take the kids to the therapist. Uncle Bob (on the Packwood side of the family) got a little tipsy and read them a bedtime story from his diary.

9. I was switching channels between “The Addams Family” marathon and the Kennedy Assassination Anniversary Marathon and decided I must fly to Dallas today to prove that Uncle Fester was on the Grassy Knoll.

10. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.