Houston Was Most Worthy of This Trophy

THE COLLEGES

In the end, Houston (1-9-1) was the only choice for the Bottom Ten title.

Temple (1-10) had turned off voters the week before by nearly defeating Pitt and, in the process, falling 17 points short of the NCAA record for most points given up in a season (544).

That record is held by the University of Texas at El End-Over-End Paso, which finished 1-11 this year but was eliminated from contention because its name is too long to be inscribed on the Bottom Ten Chumpionship Bronze Dunce Cap (which is currently on display at Art’s Sushi, Tanning & Ammo Parlor in Venice, Calif.

So the title went to Houston, giving the Brothers Klingler a chance to nab both the Bottom Ten pro and college races. Quarterback Jimmy struggles for Houston while quarterback David labors for the Cincinnati Bungles.

This isn’t Houston’s only distinction, by the way. The university’s Faculty Senate recently recommended that the school eliminate intercollegiate sports.

Sad Sack (Rec.) Last Loss 1. Houston (1-9-1) 7-37, Rice 2. UTEP (1-11) 16-47, BYU 3. Temple (1-10) Idle 4. San Jose St. (2-9) Idle 5. Stanford (4-7) Idle 6. Ark. State (2-8-1) Idle 7. E. Carolina (2-9) Idle 8. Wake Forest (2-9) Idle 9. Purdon’t (1-10) Idle 10. Northwestern (2-9) Idle

11. Ole Southern Miss (2-8-1); 12. Duke (3-8); 13. Maryland (2-9); 14. Choose one: Yale (3-7) or Columbia (2-8); 15. Iowa State (3-8); 16. Oklahoma State (3-8); 17. Vanderbilt (4-7); 18. Pentagon (Air) (4-8); 19. Idle; 20. The new Carquest Bowl (what is it?).

1993 All-Jurisprudence Team (arrested player, school, charges): WR--Jason Shelley, Wash. (burglary, sexual abuse); WR--Chris Jones, Miss. State (simple assault); WR--Michael Brown, Miss. State (aggravated assault); WR--Gerald Daniels, Miss. State (simple assault); WR--William (possession of alcohol by a minor); QB--Derrick Taite, Miss. State (attempted rape); RB--Greg Plump, Miss State (simple assault). K--Charles Hardaway Jr., South Carolina (making an illegal explosive device).

Honorary coaches: North Carolina assistant Donnie Thompson, who tackled N.C. State assistant Ted Cain after the two teams met.

Wanted: A new football coach: With the firing of Sparky Woods, South Carolina Athletic Director Mike McGee is on the hunt for a replacement. What about Larry Smith, Mike?

THE PROS

And what a disastrous Sunday it was for the Phoenix Cardinals. First, they fell to 3-8 with a last-second loss to the New Jersey Giants. Then, they returned to Phoenix, where all 11 defensive starters later claimed they were punched by Charles Barkley in separate incidents.

It was a time for jubilation, in contrast, for the Cincinnati Bungles, who remembered to win a game for the first time in 11 tries this year. So what if their 16-10 victory over the Lost Raiders was only slightly more entertaining than the commercial in which actor Dennis Hopper sniffs Bruce Smith’s shoes?

The Bungles, blowing a chance to become the NFL’s first 0-16 team, pulled even with Olde England (1-10), a 0-6 loser to the New Jersey Jets. Scott Sisson, the Patsies’ field goal kicker (as of Tuesday), missed tries of 28 and 54 yards despite the help of sarcastic fans, who held up a bull’s-eye in the end zone seats.

The rankings:

ONE-WIN WONDERS

Loser (Record) Last Loss Next Loss* 1. New England (1-10) 0-6, Jets Pitts 2. Cincinnati (1-10) Def. Raiders, 16-10 S.F.

*Patsies and Bungles meet in Crummy Game of the Year on Dec. 12. Tickets still available.

BAYS, SPEEDWAYS AND FREEWAYS DIVISION

Team (Record) Last Loss Next Loss 1. Tampa (3-8) 10-13, Green Washington 2. Indianapolis (3-8) 0-31, San Diego N.J. Jets 3. L.A. Lambs (3-8) 10-35, S.F. Phoenix

Crummy game of the week: Washington (2-9) at Bay (Tampa) (3-8).