It’s Time for a Few Changes ‘Round Here

I’ve been giving some deep thought lately to the problems of our county, and I think I have some solutions for our toughest problems. In the Clinton spirit of not being “afraid to change,” here goes.

1) THE ECONOMY. With dwindling tax revenue, escalating costs and poor economic recovery, we need some money and we need it now. I believe that offshore gambling should be legalized and that each city bordering the coast should be able to float one gambling barge a half mile or so out in the Pacific.

These gambling palaces would be swanky, well run sin buckets, complete with day care for the kiddies, a nonsmoking casino, and juice bars in addition to booze bars.

Dress codes would be strictly enforced: business attire acceptable but formal wear recommended. This would give each barge a kind of ‘20s glamour our county sorely needs. You could rub shoulders with Don Bren, Liz, Bette, Reggie, Rev. Schuller, etc. These would be places to be and be seen, and most importantly, places to lose money.

Only the classiest operators should be hired to run them--Disney, for example, could float a theme casino into which people would flock by the thousands. The county would split revenue with the casinos--say, 50-50. Cost to county? Little. Benefits? My projections show an estimated $5 million annually would flood into the county coffers.

2) GANGS. Since neither the County of Orange nor its municipalities can agree on what to do with the military bases soon to close, I think they should be given over to gang members to live in, ruin with graffiti and fight over. This would allow the gangsters to do what they like best, and keep them apart from the general population so less of us get killed by stray bullets.

The guard stations and perimeter fences should stay intact, and admittance only be allowed to those flying colors, or brandishing firearms or sharpened paint rollers.

Later, when the county and cities quit fighting over control of land, any gangsters left alive would have a choice of either 1) using free OCTA passes that will take them to new lives in L.A. County (thanks to Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan), or 2) staying behind while the land is leveled and the old shells detonated, or 3) surrendering their weapons and attitudes and coming back to live in our halfway normal society.

Cost to county? Possible loss of revenue from sales of spray paint, Pendleton shirts and bandannas. Benefit? Safer streets and graffiti-free overpasses.

3) TRAFFIC CONGESTION. It is apparent that when all the improvements on our local freeways are complete--sometime in the year 2034, I believe--they will be the widest, fastest, coolest freeways this side of Germany. I propose raising the speed limit 20 m.p.h. for every passenger a car carries. Thus, a single driver could go 55 m.p.h.; automobiles with a driver and one passenger could go 75 m.p.h.; a family of five could go 135 m.p.h.

People would get where they need to be faster. They would spend more money in stores and gas stations, less in traffic jams. Cost to county? We already spent it. Benefits? Increased tax revenue from gas, tire, grave-site sales, and a happier, speedier, more efficient citizenry.

4) VOTER APATHY. Rightful voters who fail to vote should be fined $10,000 for each election they don’t participate in. It is astonishing to consider that a short 200 years ago our forefathers and foremothers bled and died so they wouldn’t have to live under a corrupt monarchy and now, less than half of the people who even register to vote actually show up at the polls.

This measure would make us citizens, not mere consumers, and only citizens can keep a republic alive.

Cost to county? More money for ballots and ballot booths and those little gadgets that poke the rectangles out of the paper. Benefits? An estimated $50 million the first election year, less, hopefully, as time goes on. This money should be used to support libraries.

5) RACIAL TENSION. The best way to begin understanding another race or culture is to eat its food. So, each and every resident of Orange County should receive chits for substantial discounts at restaurants serving food not indigenous to his or her race or culture.

Those of Anglo-Saxon or Celtic descent, say, would get 33% off all meals bought in Vietnamese, Indian, Italian, Thai, etc. restaurants. Those of Vietnamese, Indian, Italian, Thai, etc. lineage would receive 33% discounts at each others’ places, and all Mexican, Chinese or Balinese, etc. eating establishments.

Benefits? This would foster understanding and be good for the restaurant business. It is harder to dislike someone who has just served you a wonderful dinner. The only downside would be that those of English descent might actually make enemies out of those who eat at their places because the food is so bad. (Exception: Lord Nelson’s Pub in Laguna has the best English food outside of Britain.)

6) REBUILDING LAGUNA BEACH. Between the city’s purchase of part of Laguna Canyon, the fires and floods, and the cost of enforcing its ridiculous and fascistic no-smoking laws, it goes without saying that this nice little village is in dire financial straits.

Since it is an art colony, I propose that each and every visitor to the city not be allowed back out until he/she has purchased one work by a local artist. A simple checkpoint on Laguna Canyon Road and Coast Highway would assure that each tourist has purchased a work, and would have little effect on traffic because it’s always jammed anyway.

Cost to county? A few grand for checkpoints and people to staff them. Benefits? A solvent Laguna, and millions of visitors leading lives enriched by having actual art in their homes instead of museum posters, Gorman prints or that horrid stuff from Aaron Brothers.

7) LITERACY. With the money raised by offshore gambling (see solution No. 1), all people should be taught to read. People who already know how to read should be given an opportunity to understand the difference between a good book and a bad one, so libraries (newly enriched under the provisions of solution No. 4) would offer small stipends--$5 would do--to people who check out books by, say, Shakespeare, Melville, Joyce, Marquez, Didion, McGuane, Morrison, Harrison and actually read them.

I suggest the creation of County Form ABCDEFGHI, Report Book , upon which the borrower would write a little something about the book just read, as proof he didn’t just check it out, scan the jacket flap and try to turn a quick fiver at public expense. These book reports should be made a matter of public record, so we could see, for instance, just what Bob Dornan made of Toni Morrison’s Beloved , or Robert Gentry of Mailer’s Tough Guys Don’t Dance .

Cost to county? All costs would be covered under solutions 1 and 4 above. Benefits? A smarter county, a county enlightened by words and ideas, a county poised to march into the next millennium with vigor and vision. Orange County will have no oranges left to eat, except those from Florida, but we will be rich with the fruit of wisdom.