Planning Helps Prepare Kids for Preschool : Parenting: The dividing line between day-care and preschools is dissolving as youngsters are starting their education at an earlier age.

American children are entering preschool at younger ages. At the same time, the dividing line between day-care centers and preschools has grown fuzzier, as most centers incorporate educational lessons and more preschools lengthen their days to accommodate working parents.

“There is a definite lowering of the age at which children start,” said Sandra L. Hofferth, senior research associate at the Urban Institute, who directed a federally funded national child care survey in 1990.

About 6 million American children, or about 31% of all children under school age, were enrolled in organized group programs in 1990, Hofferth said. By 1990, she said, the under-3 set accounted for about 20% of those in day-care centers or preschools, double the percentage of 15 years earlier.

Experts differ on the age at which it’s best to put a child into organized group settings, although most agree that the quality of the program is crucial to the child’s adjustment. Some say that toddlers can improve language and social skills in group settings and that even infants are aware of other infants in a room. Others say that before age 4, children mainly need nurturing.

“For most kids, 4 years old is a good time” to start preschool, said Leon Rosenberg, a child psychologist at the Johns Hopkins Children’s Center. Before 4, “the only thing I want for them is good mothering.” Rosenberg said that before age 2, playing with other children “is not important at all. They can stay home . . . and enjoy themselves.”

By 2 1/2, children should have some exposure to other children, but can get plenty of this in neighborhood play groups, he said. If parents use an organized program at this age, “they should find a reasonable place that doesn’t go crazy, doesn’t call itself a school,” Rosenberg said.

School-like settings can work for a 3-year-old as long as a lot of good nurturing goes with it, Rosenberg said. Children drilled in numbers and letters at age 3 do not do any better at reading and math later on, he adds.

“At about age 4,” he said, “it’s nice if they can recognize numbers and letters in a casual way.”

Other experts see a more positive role for group situations at earlier ages. Hofferth said studies of children in group settings have shown “the benefits are there going as young as age 2” in language development and social skills. Low-income children particularly may benefit from the increased stimulus and materials not available at home, she adds.

Sue Bredekamp, director of professional development at the National Assn. for the Education of Young Children, agrees that quality programs can help develop language and social skills in toddlers, saying that even 18-month-olds will show empathy in group situations.

Two-year-olds generally will have a harder time adjusting than older preschoolers, she said, but also gain from a group experience if the preschool has enough space, enough toys and a small enough group. Her association recommends a group of no more than eight to 12 2-year-olds with at least two teachers.

“Years ago, we didn’t think children could develop social skills until age 5,” Bredekamp said. “We didn’t connect this with the fact that this was when they were going into a group setting.”

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David Mrazek, chairman of psychiatry at Children’s National Medical Center, takes a middle ground, saying that between 2 1/2 and 3 is “a fine time” for children to enter preschool and that before then they don’t gain much. Two-year-olds are learning to play but probably will not interact much with other children. By 3, the children can learn to take turns and cooperate as well as improve their language skills, Mrazek said.

At the Chevy Chase preschool, while the kids are adjusting to their half-day program, the mothers become an ad-hoc support group during their initial meeting in the library, reassuring each other and comparing notes.

“I think all kids go through this,” said Amy Kossoff, Nat Enelow’s mother, as teachers come in to report on his progress. “He’ll be fine.”

The transition usually is easier for younger children who have seen older siblings go off to school and for children who have already had other out-of-home care during the day. Those who have been in other settings may need to deal with missing their old friends and teachers, however.

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Preschool teachers and child-development experts agree that, while parents may cringe when their children burst into tears, this typical first-day or first-week trauma usually evaporates quickly and doesn’t leave lasting scars. “It can be pretty reassuring that there is no evidence there would be any negative lasting effect,” said Mrazek. “Kids are very resilient.”

The adjustment period may take up to two months, said Deborah Phillips, the National Academy of Sciences director of children and families. But the children should be getting progressively better at joining the group over the first few weeks, she said.

If the child continues to be very upset after a week or two, the parents should consider whether the child needs different comforting strategies or a different program or school, education professionals say. For some children, the second day or second or third week may be more difficult, after the initial thrill of a new experience is over.

Education experts say there are several things parents can do to ease transitions into preschool or organized day care, starting with the parents’ need to be comfortable with their decision to put the child in the program.

“The attitude the parents have about the (first) day really affects the attitude the child has,” said Barbara Willer, spokeswoman for the National Assn. for the Education of Young Children. “If you are conveying verbally or nonverbally some anxiety, your child will really pick up on that.”

A brochure published by her organization, “So Many Goodbyes,” warns that children from 5 months to 3 years old may scream, cry or cling when parents leave because they need to be sure the parent will return.

The education group suggests preparing the child days or weeks ahead of time, depending on the child’s age, by explaining what is going to happen and by going to the school or center a few days before for a visit.

The family should start school-night rituals, comforting in their predictability, such as laying out clothes or packing lunch. Experts also suggest letting the child take something familiar to school, such as a favorite stuffed animal or a picture of the family.

When the time comes for the parent to leave, education experts say, the parent should always say goodby, tell the child when he or she will be back (such as “after snack”) and go. Sneaking off while the child is distracted may be tempting but violates the child’s trust, they say.

The parent should emphasize what fun the child will have, rather than telling him or her to behave. It only makes things worse for a parent to return to comfort a child and then leave again, Willer said.

“If your child whines or clings, prolonging the goodby will only make it harder for yourself and your child,” according to the education group. Skilled teachers know how to engage the child quickly when the parent leaves.

A predictable pick-up schedule is particularly important the first few days. Even after the transition, any change from the routine should be explained to the child ahead of time. The length of the preschool or day-care day is less important than balancing structured and unstructured time and making sure children get snacks and naps when appropriate, Willer said.

Separation issues often are harder on mothers who have been home full-time with a first child, Mrazek said. “Then it really is a dramatic event, because it is the end of that era,” he said. “What you hear typically is about driving home from preschool in tears. But they are bittersweet tears. Most are glad (the child) is moving forward developmentally.”