The Mommy Trap : THE MOTHER DAUGHTER REVOLUTION, <i> By Elizabeth Debold, Marie Wilson and Idelisse Malave (Addison Wesley: $22.95; 299 pp.)</i>

Mother, the holiest and lowliest, the one who gives us life and then releases us to live in a world for which we are not prepared. Mother, simultaneously we hail, worship and endow her with powers that are nearly superhuman, then damn her for the damage she has done to us. Mother--one who cannot win. “The Mother Daughter Revolution” puts a new spin on the great debate, asking that we consider the complex experience of being both a daughter and the mother of a daughter. Taking on the most primal and intensely intimate relationship in a woman’s life, “The Mother Daughter Revolution” is an exploration of ways in which subtle messages passed between mother and daughter either confirm or deny a young woman’s sense of self, offering “paths of resistance,” to enable mothers and daughters to become allies rather than adversaries. The book posits that while a mother wants what’s best for her child--a life for her daughter better than her own--she is an unwitting accomplice to the patriarchal culture’s requirements and demands of what a woman should be. By re-enacting for their daughters choices they made in their own lives, women unknowingly encourage their daughters to accept the same limitations on dreams, desires and power they themselves gave into.

Using the findings of the Harvard Project on Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development, which under the leadership of psychologist Carol Gilligan found that the self-esteem of girls drops sharply at adolescence, the authors go on to attribute this drop to “The Wall of the Culture,” our patriarchal culture that values women less than men, that sees women largely in sexual or reproductive terms. To get through the wall, to be safe and accepted within society, girls have to give up parts of themselves.

Bad enough that this happens--and any woman can tell you countless stories of how she stopped herself from doing what she felt she could, intellectually and physically, and from having what she desired emotionally and sexually because it wasn’t appropriate or well rewarded in our culture. Having passed through this wall, mothers are all too familiar with the experiences of self-sacrifice, having trained themselves to perform acts of self-negation, self-limitation and ultimately self-mutilation in order to make a place for themselves. More frightening, they pass this training, this expertise in self-destruction on to their daughters.

When this training occurs within the home, within the most intimate and trusted family relationship? The result is an overwhelming sense of betrayal and loss, most often played out in the high drama of adolescence. The infamous and unforgettable fights between mothers and their teen-age daughters are in fact the awkward expression of so much rage and fear--a daughter’s disappointment in her mother’s failure to remain whole and true, combined with her own fear, fury and recognition that in order to be welcomed in “adult” society she will have to limit her personality, sacrifice her passion and move away from her relationships with women in order to have one with a man.

The question then becomes: How does a woman find her way out of this cycle; escaping her background, her culture and the prevailing society to raise a daughter who trusts her and admires her, who is independent, powerful and fully herself? And following that, how does an independent, powerful and fully conscious young woman successfully fit into the male-dominated society? According to the authors of “The Mother Daughter Revolution,” one begins by becoming aware of these splits within oneself, recognizing and acknowledging the fears, denied desires and decisions made in response to the prevailing culture, and making a commitment to one’s daughters to celebrate their passion and energy, joining with them rather than fighting against them in their struggle for freedom. A mother’s example, her recognition and action against “the wall,” is a great gift, engendering the daughter’s desire to emulate her model rather then to escape it.

The authors of “The Mother Daughter Revolution” are onto something, but their ideas are obscured by redundancy, the power diluted by frequently dipping into other contemporary works and by citing too many secondary sources: contemporary fiction and film, Naomi Wolf, Susan Faludi, numerous psychologists, the mythology of fairy tails and the stories of “real people.” No proof is needed. The ideas expressed here are so clearly on the mark that one only hopes readers can find their way around the flaws and come away with the inspiration and courage to preserve our daughters’ passion and strength; they are our future.