1993 Year in Review : Words of Wisdom, the Novelization

Remember, it ain’t over till Streisand--whom, we would hasten to add, is no fat lady--sings. And while it’s officially OK to spend New Year’s Eve in Aspen again this year, a lot of the glitteratti will be siphoned off to Vegas this week, diva ducats in hand.

What will they be drinking to forget in both places? Only the fact that a record-breaking movie box-office summer gave way to a financially disappointing fall . . . that anyone from Hollywood who deigned to shake Bill Clinton’s hand became the object of public ridicule . . . that sex and drug scandals are besmirching the industry’s good name again after all those years of clean livin’ . . . that while “Schindler’s List” is the talk of the town, Heidi’s list could still come out, too.

But before we ring out the ho-ho-ho (may old acquaintance be forgot, indeed) and ring in the new, it’s time for Film Clips to relive The Year in Loose Lips--all those things we wish we’d said, all those things we wish to God we’d never heard. These are a few of our favorite quotes:

Cranky Calls

“Thin lips, OK breath.”

--William Baldwin, quipping to a crew member after filming a “Sliver” love scene with Sharon Stone (Entertainment Weekly, May 21).

*

“It’s like casting Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer in the movie . . . Cruise should do himself and everyone else a service and withdraw.”

--Anne Rice, author of “Interview with the Vampire,” on the choice of Tom Cruise as the movie version’s title sucker (The Times, Aug. 22).

*

“Every time I’m in a limo and it passes the CAA building, there is this right hand that sneaks out of the back window with this middle finger uplifted. I’ve done that religiously, and I get a great kick out of it.”

--Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, arch-enemy of Michael Ovitz (Time, May 31).

*

“You realize now when you work for Disney why the mouse has only four fingers--because he can’t pick up a check.”

--Robin Williams, feeling stiffed over being paid scale for “Aladdin” (The “Today” Show, Nov. 24).

Donkey-Kissing in All Its Forms

“Our first groupie President. . . . If I’d spent a day with Boris Yeltsin, I’d probably want to have a drink with Sharon Stone, too. But I might resist the temptation.”

--New Republic literary editor Leon Wieseltier, discussing Clinton on “Nightline” (Entertainment Weekly, June 11).

*

“Back when I saw him at (a fund-raiser at producer) Ted Field’s house, with his mouth open, star-struck, I said ‘Oh my God. Oh, Jesus.’ I think he likes people. And I think he genuinely likes famous people.”

--Unnamed politically active movie star, on the President (Time, April 19).

*

“Were David Geffen in any other industry, the Wall Street Journal would be clapping its hands for this self-made billionaire getting the ear of the White House. But because he’s from Hollywood, somehow that’s tainted.”

--Unnamed producer’s spokesperson (Entertainment Weekly, June 11).

*

“Why Sharon Stone? She doesn’t know anything about policy.”

--Barbra Streisand, wondering how low the President will go in inviting celebs up to the House (Spy, Jan. ‘94).

*

“I would rate their egos and their wallets and their ideas in descending order.”

--Political guru James Carville on Hollywood big-wigs, with whom he had a White House brainstorming session early in the year that turned contentious (Newsweek, May 17).

*

“You can tell the people who want to stop us from releasing controversial rap music one thing: Kiss my ass.”

--Hollywood mogul Ted Field, who last year was the fifth-largest contributor to the Democratic Party (The Times, Oct. 24).

That Girl

“One thing is for sure, there will be no Hollywood children named Heidi for years.”

--Unnamed studio exec (The Times, Aug. 8).

*

“He was a less-than-mediocre director. When he was doing ‘Barnaby Jones,’ I could tell in the first five minutes whether Ivan had directed it. He’s an enemy of talent.”

--Filmmaker Andy Sidaris on Ivan Nagy, Fleiss’ friend (Esquire, Nov.).

*

“If Begelman can cash a check with Cliff Robertson’s name on it and work again, I don’t think someone’s got to worry about sleeping with a girl for money.”

--Anonymous Hollywood exec, minimizing the likely fallout from the Heidi chronicles (Entertainment Weekly, Aug. 20).

Prostitution and/or Empowerment

“So this is the Year of the Woman. Well, yes, this has been a very good year for women. Demi Moore was sold to Robert Redford for $1 million. Uma Thurman went for $40,000 to Mr. De Niro. While just three years ago, Richard Gere bought Julia Roberts for . . . what was it? . . . $3,000? I’d say that was real progress.”

--Michelle Pfeiffer at the Crystal Awards luncheon (Premiere, Women in Hollywood special issue).

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“To be honest with you, in my mind, the Demi Moore character is in control of her body and makes all the decisions. She chooses to sleep with Robert Redford and makes the decision. Woody Harrelson doesn’t do that. . . . To me, that is what feminism is all about.”

--Paramount chief Sherry Lansing, defending “Indecent Proposal” from feminists (The Times, Aug. 22).

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“The problem with the movie, and it’s a huge problem, is that if we don’t do this right, it’s like Woody is the pimp and Demi is the whore.”

--Director Adrian Lyne, while editing “Indecent Proposal” (Movieline, March).

*

“Some male critics would like to dismiss ‘Indecent Proposal’ as sexist. The only thing that is sexist is the critics themselves. They are clearly made uncomfortable by a film in which a woman holds tremendous power over not one but two men, one of whom is her husband. Powerful women who do what they like with their bodies make men like (Kenneth) Turan uncomfortable. Men are very emotional about sex. Women are practical.”

--”Indecent” screenwriter Amy Holden Jones (The Times, April 19).

*

“Honestly, I am irritated that the only power in movies that goes to women is sexual power. In life, that’s the only power that men can easily give to women. . . . I find it very simplistic--and a true stretch--to think of that as empowering women in any way.”

--Meg Ryan, dissing “Indecent Proposal” (Premiere, Women in Hollywood issue).

Hollywood Guys and Dolls

“If we don’t represent people--particularly women--over the age of 40, well, no wonder we have a whole generation who are frightened of getting older. . . . In England, as an actress, it’s such a blessing, you never have to think about how you look. You’re cast to play a character--in that sense I’m a character actress--and that is so much more interesting. Here, women go off the map at age 28. You’re not supposed to look your age. I want to look my age! Where is our love of growing wise?”

--Emma Thompson (The Times, Oct. 31).

*

“If they ever make a movie where a man is sexually harassed, I’m their gal.”

--Sharon Stone (Movieline, June).

*

“I’ve always thought about this. If I was stuck on an island for 20 years, who would I rather go with? My best male buddy or the most beautiful woman in the world? I’d definitely go with my buddy. You could have wonderful sex with a girl. You could run on the beach, watch perfect sunsets. The wind would cascade through her hair, there’d be a flower behind her ear. . . . Cut to 10 years later: OK, enough already! I mean, what do we talk about?”

--Sylvester Stallone (Vanity Fair, Nov.).

*

“Breasts are back in . Not that they’ve ever been out . But now women are taking pride in them, and men are taking pleasure in them--whether they’re real or not. Breasts are just nice things that help me get through the day. They’re classic, right?”

--Johnny Depp (Movieline, March).

*

“Gay execs and straight execs are equally dishy. Hollywood is one of those places where everyone seems gay after a point. I mean, wait a minute: You’re in show biz? Ninety percent of your life is gossip and fantasy? You will seem like a certain type of gay person. Any movie star or director who fancies himself a dock worker is deluded.”

--Screenwriter and playwright Paul Rudnick (Movieline, Nov.).

Let’s Talk About Richard Gere’s Sexuality

“Richard’s obviously been accused of being gay. . . . It’s amazing to me, considering the number of women he’s associated with. Like when does he have time to be gay? “

--Cindy Crawford, on her husband (Rolling Stone, Dec. 23).

*

“But the main thing was Piers, my flatmate, touched Richard Gere’s back . . . and I was saying ‘My God! Richard Gere!’ Who is a living diva!’ . . . I just couldn’t do it (talk to him). I would have loved to . . . I wanted to arrive in L.A. and have Richard Gere naked on the floor, laying in front of me . . . the ultimate.”

--Jaye Davidson, recounting post-Oscar party highlights (USA Today, March 31).

The Movies’ New Sexlessness. . .

“A film in which the butler doesn’t do it.”

--Headline for review of “The Remains of the Day,” one of the year’s many non-consummated romantic dramas (Newsweek, Nov. 8).

*

“I have a theory that the romantic comedy was killed by sex. . . . The way people flirted was by going ‘Blah blah blah’ to one another. Suddenly when you could have sex it wasn’t necessary to talk anymore.”

--Nora Ephron, who offered “Sleepless in Seattle” as a celibate corrective (Entertainment Weekly, July 9).

*

“She said the only reason she wanted to stay was to see if they were going to (expletive). And I told her, ‘I got news--they ain’t going to (expletive), baby.’ ”

--Young director Albert Hughes--of “Menace II Society” fame--on taking a date to see “The Age of Innocence” (The Times, Oct. 31).

. . . and a Bit of the Old Ultra-Violence

“People are becoming desensitized. But Quentin Tarantino gets you emotionally involved with the characters before he kills them.”

--Patricia Arquette, star of “True Romance” (Vanity Fair, July).

*

“Why is everybody landing on TV for showing violence? Why don’t they just develop some compassion and ‘attempt to understand television’s rage’?”

--Conservative wiseacre Rush Limbaugh (The Times, Oct. 22).

Two on the Town

“A lot of people mistakenly think that just because you eat tofu, you don’t take drugs. My experience is that L.A. is full of people who are walking contradictions. Somebody will be worried about secondhand smoke from your cigarette, but they’ll be doing coke.”

--Unnamed music-industry exec, after River Phoenix’s death (Entertainment Weekly, Nov. 26).

*

“The ‘70s and the early ‘80s were great. And now . . . My God, I hate those condoms, I could never make them work. I’m the only person in this town who drinks. Ten years ago, Los Angeles was a den of iniquity. And now it’s a monastery. I hate it.”

--Director Adrian Lyne (Movieline, March).

Lost Action Hero

“We’ve stopped overpaying. . . . We used to say ‘We want it, no matter how much it costs.’ Now we’ve adopted the mantra of all well-run businesses: ‘We want it, but only if the price is right--or if Arnold is in it.’ ”

--Columbia Pictures Chairman Mark Canton at the movie exhibitors’ convention in Vegas in March (Entertainment Weekly, June 11).

*

“ ‘Willy Wonka’ with guns.”

--Dismayed attendee at “Last Action Hero” test screening (Entertainment Weekly, June 11).

*

“It’s a false buzz. The truth is, I purposely had no (screening) numbers done. I had my assistant take the cards, file the cards, and never add them up. It’s the same thing we did with ‘Batman’ at Warner Bros., because I knew that even if we scored a 90, someone would say it was a 10.”

--Canton, reacting to reports of the disastrous first “Last Action Hero” test screening (Entertainment Weekly, June 11).

*

“It was supposed to be a movie within a movie. Turns out it’s a movie without a movie.”

--Reviewer Gene Shalit (The “Today” Show, June).

*

Industry friends called to commiserate. “What floor is your room on?” a producer inquired. “Twenty-first,” Josephson replied. Pause. “High enough,” mused his friend.

--Phone exchange between Columbia exec Mark Josephson and pal, as the “Last Action Hero” reviews came in (Premiere, Sept.).

Parental Guidance Suggested

“It was a bar mitzvah for 7-year-olds; they would see the movie and say ‘Today I’m a man!’ ”

--Steven Spielberg on “Jurassic Park” (“Rolling Stone’s Year in Review,” Fox TV, Dec. 14).

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“I would not take a child of 7 years old. It’s fine for a child 8 years old.”

--Amblin marketing VP Brad Globe on “Jurassic Park” (The Times, June 10).

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“If we can disturb just one child, it will have been worth it.”

--Tim Burton on his “The Nightmare Before Christmas” (Entertainment Weekly, Sept.).

*

“I don’t know. I haven’t been over to the grave lately.”

--Disney’s Jeffrey Katzenberg, asked if child-friendly Walt Disney might be spinning in his grave over the company’s acquisition of adult-oriented Miramax Pictures (Newsweek, May 31).

*

“I really would love Woody to be exposed to hundreds of thousands of kids who’ve never seen his stuff.”

--Producer Jean Doumanian, using questionable syntax while announcing a deal with Allen to make a TV movie (Daily Variety, Oct. 1).

I’ll Cut Anything

“It was the worst torture possible. From the very first song. And because the movie is partly about movie researchers--and there were all these real researchers standing around with clipboards--I started to wonder if the whole thing wasn’t a put-on. I expected the lights to go on at any minute and for someone to tell us it was all a joke.”

--Survivor of first research screening for the $40-million musical “I’ll Do Anything” (Entertainment Weekly, Sept. 24).

*

“I really want this to be a musical.”

--James L. Brooks, on the trials of test-screening “I’ll Do Anything” with and without characters breaking into song (The Times, Sept. 19).

*

“I guarantee this is going to be a musical! Without it, the movie would be just another father-daughter story. If we can get away with it, and if audience will go for it, we’d even like to put Nick Nolte’s singing number back in.”

--Producer Polly Platt (Entertainment Weekly, Sept. 24).

*

“There was no way to do it where the music didn’t stop the story for the audience and break the feeling of reality. I just couldn’t fight it anymore.”

--Brooks, on having finally decided to cut all but one of the songs after all (The Times, Nov. 23).

Oliver’s Army

“I don’t feel guilty. That’s a Western Christian trip!”

--Oliver Stone, when asked if a left-leaning filmmaker owning four large estates didn’t amount to conspicuous consumption (The New Republic, April).

*

“Oliver considers me John Wayne, and I consider him Ho Chi Minh.”

--Ex-Marine captain Dale Dye, technical advisor on “Heaven and Earth” as well as Stone’s earlier Vietnam movies (The Times, Jan. 17).

Why, Yes, That’s Correct

“Phil’s an old lefty and at the end of the day, it’s like the Tar Pits; his political bent always seeps through.”

--Anonymous production source on “Rising Sun,” speculating why filmmaker Philip Kaufman changed one of the book’s white heroes to black and the novel’s Japanese villain to a white guy (The Times, March 18).

*

“ Where they cut off your ear / If they don’t like your face / It’s barbaric, but hey, it’s home .”

--Lyric to the opening song of “Aladdin” in theatrical release

*

“ Where it’s flat and immense / And the heat is intense / It’s barbaric, but hey, it’s home .”

--Same “Alladin” lyric as revised for home video, after pressure from Arab American groups (The Times, July 10).

‘Poetic Justice’: Such a Small Price to Pay for Public Safety

“If I wasn’t able to make movies and get out what was on my chest, where would I be as a young black male in America? These same people who want to start some crap (are) the same people that should want more black men to be making movies (rather) than thinking about jacking them for their cars. If there’s not more John Singletons, there’s gonna be a lot more carjackings.”

--Director John Singleton (Entertainment Weekly, July 23).

*

“The character’s name is Justice, and she writes poetry.”

--Singleton, explaining the title of his movie (ibid.).

Blurbs R Us

“Don’t miss it! A total turn-on! Erotic . . . Pulls you in for two hours and keeps you there. Goes beyond ‘Basic Instinct’ . . . Super-sexy, super-stylish, super-suspenseful.”

--Super-obsequious KNBC-TV critic David Sheehan, on “Sliver” (print ads, June).

*

“Smart, stylish, sexy and very suspenseful!”

--Similarly alliterative Earl Dittman of Rhythm and News magazine, on “The Real McCoy” (print ads, Sept.).

*

“The most fun film in decades! “

--Barry ZeVan of Channel America, who apparently doesn’t get out much, on “The Beverly Hillbillies” (print ads, Oct.).

*

“A perfect summer movie. If you don’t enjoy ‘Last Action Hero,’ check your pulse--something is seriously wrong.”

--Legendary cardiac patient Larry King, CNN (print ads, June).

*

“Arnold has never been better! ‘Last Action Hero’ will leave your heart in your throat, tears in your eyes and a smile on your face. Bigger, better, funnier than anything you’ve ever seen on the screen.”

--Superlative-mongerer Jeanne Wolf, Hollywood Radio Syndicate (print ads, June).

The Hitchcock Memorial Cattle Call

“I found out if somebody is unknown at age 28 there must be something wrong with them.”

--”Scarlett” executive producer Robert Halmi, explaining why he finally cast Joanne Whalley-Kilmer in the miniseries’ title role, after having conducted a well-publicized, two-year talent search to find an unknown for the part (USA Today, Nov. 9).

*

“I wanted to come out nude in a hot-tub scene and I was ready to do it, but Altman said that it just didn’t seem right. I would have been proud to do it. Look at my hands, look at my feet. They’re gigantic. Everything is in proportion.”

--Matthew Modine, on “Short Cuts” (Entertainment Weekly, Nov. 5).

*

“The question about whether or not I dye my hair is answered in that scene.”

--Redhead Julianne Moore, whom Robert Altman did let go bottomless in “Short Cuts” (Premiere, Sept.).

*

“Pay $7 and find out yourself.”

--Tommy Lee Jones, shooting “Natural Born Killers” on location in an Illinois prison, responding curtly to inmates who wanted to know whether he was playing a good guy or a bad guy (Entertainment Weekly, Sept. 24).

*

“The wind was so cold, my face was swollen shut. And I don’t articulate that well anyway.”

--Sylvester Stallone on the hazards of filming “Cliffhanger” (Entertainment Weekly, June 4).

*

“I will add to the acting ability. I will add to the types of roles that I play. . . . But I will not change. Because when you are successful and you change, you are an idiot.”

--Arnold Schwarzenegger (Entertainment Weekly, June 11).

*

“Steven likes to hang out with the underworld of espionage, and maybe also of crime. But I don’t see Steven rubbing anyone out. And if you have Michael Ovitz behind you, you don’t really need the Mob.”

--Screenwriter J.F. Lawton, defending Steven Seagal, after Spy magazine alleged that Seagal offered former intelligence agents money to have some of his adversaries eliminated (Time, July 5).

*

“(She) threatened to hire a few guys to beat me and sodomize me.”

--Dean Factor, on his unamicable breakup with fiancee Shannen Doherty. (CK)

*

Doherty considers herself something of a music aficionado. “I have Jimi Hendrix in my car right now,” she says proudly.

“Really?” I ask. “ ‘Are You Experienced?’ ”

“In what sense? Are you asking me if I’m like a Jimi Hendrix person with heroin? Am I experienced in heroin? No, I’m not.”

--Exchange between Shannen Doherty and interviewer Lynn Hirschberg (Vanity Fair, Nov.).