Hail the Oracle : Oh, What a Year It Might Be--’Predictions’ for 1994

Our resident psychic, who courageously predicted weeks ago that the first three months of the next year would be “some combination of February, March and January,” offers other 1994 forecasts:

January: Keeping a vow to make the Clinton health-care plan “affordable, convenient and efficient,” government officials award contracts to run the program to Jiffy Lube. The public initially supports the idea, but changes its mind after studies reveal that the most common diagnosis given by Jiffy Docs is: “You’re down a quart.”

February: Congress passes a sequel to the Brady Bill--the Brady Bunch Bill, which requires a five-day waiting period for any man thinking about having his hair permed.

March: In an emotional interview with Barbara Walters, singer Michael Jackson discusses his embarrassment at being strip-searched by police and having them take pictures of his private parts. Most humiliating, he says, was when officers asked him to autograph the photos.

April: In a rare display of White House humor, Hillary Clinton has Arkansas state troopers smuggle Lorena Bobbitt into the Oval Office for an April Fool’s Day rendezvous with the President.

May: Evidence mounts that North Korea possesses nuclear weapons as it airs a late-night infomercial for its new Columbia House Missile of the Month Club, which offers “any eight warheads for 99 cents when you agree to buy another 12 at our regular low prices.”

June: In an attempt to improve the image of euthanasia, newly appointed Surgeon General Jack Kevorkian introduces the haiku suicide note.

July: A tearful Barney the dinosaur pleads for understanding from his fans after police confirm that his name and phone number (along with three stars) were found in Heidi Fleiss’ black book.

August: In a violent reaction to the cancellation of “Beverly Hills, 90210,” a riot erupts on Rodeo Drive as angry residents double-park their BMWs, set fire to copies of Daily Variety and pull an unsuspecting motorist out of his truck to hit him over the head with a bottle of Evian.

September: The Hubble telescope, operating for the first time with corrected vision, peers deep into space and sees the Whitewater real estate file that mysteriously disappeared from the office of deceased Clinton aide Vincent Foster.

October: Pope John Paul II introduces the combination confessional/photo booth. For a small fee, people can now confess their sins, then pose for a set of instant photos with cardboard cutouts of their favorite saints.

November: The Los Angeles/Baltimore/St. Louis Rams, still mired at the bottom of the NFL standings, are sold to the Chrysler Corp., which moves the players to a small Kansas town and renames the team the Dodge Ram Trucks.

December: Subpoenaed record company executives finally admit that the hands covering the breasts of Janet Jackson on the cover of her CD, “Janet,” belong to Sen. Bob Packwood.