The Verdict Is In: Mocking Expression Is <i> My</i> Best Defense

It’s all just one big masquerade ball, isn’t it? You think it’s real life, but everywhere you look, harlequins and farceurs dominate the scene.

How else to explain this thing we call modern-day America?

It’s been written of the ancient Greek philosopher Democritus that he found the human condition so ridiculous he never appeared in public without a mocking expression.

America has never imitated Athens as much as today. Should any of us step outside these days without a mocking expression to shield us?

Never have things been less like they seem. If you can handle a world where all bets are off, you’ve come to the right place.

Last week came the news that 12 people couldn’t convict Erik Menendez of murder. The jury deadlocked after a couple weeks, and a mistrial was declared. Jurors couldn’t find it in their hearts to convict a son who fired a shotgun blast into his mother’s head as she tried to crawl away. Although we don’t know the exact jury tally, some or all of the 12 apparently accepted Erik’s claim that he felt endangered by his parents the night he and his brother killed them.

As of this writing, Lyle Menendez’s jury still is deliberating, apparently stumped by the situation, as well.

To many of us, it is almost stupefying that the brothers haven’t been convicted by now. Even if we accept their pronouncements against their father, what about Mom ? Apparently, putting someone out of their misery with a shotgun is now a legal defense in this state. Life is now so cheap that murdering your mother can be explained away.

And since we know that life is that cheap, imagine what a lousy old penis is worth.

Lest there be any doubt, the Lorena Bobbitt jury answered that one for us last week. To avoid the inevitable snickers, the jurors probably took a sacred oath early on not to come back a hung jury. With the pressure on, therefore, they only took several hours to find that Mrs. Bobbitt wasn’t criminally responsible for dismembering her husband as he slept.

Just as the Menendez brothers argued a form of self-defense, so did Lorena Bobbitt--with surprising success. I say surprising, because her self-defense claim required the jury to believe her when she said that one reason she took such drastic action was that her husband had said he would track her down and rape her if she ever left him.

The only problem with that logic, it seems to me, is that dismembering him did nothing to keep him from tracking her down. Indeed, you would think it would make him much more motivated to track her down, even with the alleged rape threat no longer a viable option. The jury apparently didn’t dwell on such things, however, perhaps convinced that John Bobbitt was a brute and that, what the heck, the darn thing got sewed back on anyway, so what’s the big deal.

Indeed, Lorena Bobbitt’s attorney, Lisa Kemler, said, “This case was not about a penis.” To which men across America offer the hearty rejoinder: “Easy for you to say!”

I must be succumbing to the acceptance of brutality myself, because I can’t say with much earnestness that I wanted to see Lorena Bobbitt in jail for several years. I’m somewhat assuaged by the prosecutors, who conceded that John Bobbitt was an abusive husband--although that must rankle Mr. Bobbitt inasmuch as a jury acquitted him on such charges two months ago.

The legacy of these cases, of course, remains to be written. They are surely not going to be legal comets that only show up once every 75 years. One fears they will begin showing up once every 75 days.

In recent years, battered wives have been able to persuade juries that they acted in self-defense when they were, in fact, under assault. Taking the offensive while your husband sleeps opens up a whole new vista of possibilities. On the other hand, if that puts the fear of God into abusive husbands, so be it and amen.

As for the Menendez brothers, I eagerly await hearing from their respective juries. How two men of their ages could have felt so threatened that they killed their parents is a defense I had passed off as pathetic grasping until Erik Menendez’s jury deadlocked over it. God only knows how many wheels are spinning in other troubled kids’ heads as they follow the brothers’ trials.

As for me, I am going to try and follow the example of Democritus. In that vein, is it too much to ask that Lorena Bobbitt someday meets the Menendez brothers at a singles’ convention?

And with that, I must go. The Mocking Expression store is about to close, and I must pick up my wares.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday.