Partners for Life : Gays in O.C. are increasingly confirming their unions before family and friends. But clergy remains split on the ceremonies.

Preparations for the beach wedding had already begun when Kay Wiker and Daniel Holmes got the bad news from the County of Orange: Weddings aren’t permitted on county beaches.

Wiker, 33, had known what elements he wanted at his wedding even before he fully realized, at the age of 18, that he is gay. He wanted a ceremony on the sand, and under a full moon. His fiance, Holmes, 27, was determined that the orchid-covered bamboo wedding arch, illuminated by 100 tiki torches and candles held by each of the 150 guests, would be part of the ceremony at Laguna’s West Street beach.

Then, in a twist that was both sweet and bitter to the participants, the county allowed the ceremony to go on as planned. The event, it seems, would be just a party in the eyes of county officials, not a wedding, since the state doesn’t recognize gay unions as legal marriages.

So on June 4, 1993, Wiker and Holmes, in matching tailed tuxedos, exchanged rings while their seven attendants stood by on the sand. Amid live cello and flute music, two ministers read prayers and watched as the San Juan Capistrano couple recited their vows.

It was a ceremony that Wiker, aware of the apparent incongruity of the term, described as “old-fashioned.”

“It was what I’ve always wanted to do. I wanted to show Daniel how much I’m willing to make a commitment to him, and do it in front of our friends,” he said. “My straight friends are impressed that we did it so openly. But there shouldn’t be anything unusual in it. When two gay people want to show their commitment, they should be able to do so.”

Lesbians and gays increasingly are choosing to announce and confirm their relationships before friends, families and co-workers. Variously called same-sex covenants, relationship rituals or holy unions, the declarations of commitment are on the rise nationally, gay rights advocates say.

The ceremonies, advocates say, reflect the sheer number of flourishing same-sex partnerships. They also underscore the burgeoning political presence of gays and are fueling litigation efforts to gain state recognition of same-sex unions.

Because gay unions are not recognized as marriages by any state, they lack legal protections and privileges automatically granted to heterosexual couples.

Although gay partners often have lawyers draft contracts and agreements that attempt to duplicate these benefits, it’s estimated that such agreements can address only 60% of what is covered in a heterosexual marriage. For example, the agreements cannot guarantee the same protections in areas such as child-custody, pension plans, health coverage and Social Security benefits.

While states do not recognize the unions, some cities have chosen to do so. Laguna Beach is one of five in California--the others being West Hollywood, Berkeley, Santa Cruz and San Francisco--that offer varying degrees of recognition of same-sex unions. On a separate front, some private companies are choosing to extend spousal benefits to partners of their gay and lesbian employees.

Some gay commitment ceremonies announce the start of a relationship; most affirm partnerships that began years or even decades earlier. The ceremonies can also be political statements, as when more than 1,000 same-sex couples were simultaneously wed during last summer’s March on Washington. The majority, however, are private parties held in homes, hotels and churches.

At Congregation Kol Ami in West Hollywood, Rabbi Denise L. Eger has performed hundreds of commitment ceremonies since 1988. She says the rituals, performed in the temple, homes or parks, often serve as a welcome vehicle for hesitant parents to show their support of their gay children’s relationships.

Because no official records are kept, the national total of gay unions is unknown. “We’re talking about a community that does its best to remain hidden because of fear of losing jobs and getting their children taken away,” said one gay-rights activist. However, the American Bar Assn.’s Family Law Conference has estimated that 10 million children are being raised in 3 million same-sex households nationwide. Nearly all states permit adoption for same-sex couples.

The notion of gay unions remains discomforting to many people--even to some who don’t consider themselves anti-homosexual.

The Los Angeles Diocese of the Episcopal Church, probably the most progressive mainline Christian denomination, debated at its recent convention whether the blessing of same-sex relationships should be sanctioned. After six hours of discussion, delegates failed to reach definitive agreement.

“The idea of two women or two men marrying is one that I don’t see myself theologically able to endorse or accommodate,” said the Rev. David Anderson of St. James’ Episcopal Church in Newport Beach, whose delegation opposed the same-sex resolution. “The term marriage has referred to unique bond between a man and a woman, and the old medieval idea of marriage had to do with the production of children.”

Episcopal priests who had previously blessed same-sex covenants, such as the Rev. George Regas at All Saints in Pasadena, continue to do so, and backers of the proposal say they will press the issue at the church’s general convention this summer.

Carl Tuttle, pastor of Vineyard Christian Fellowship in Anaheim, says he sees homosexuality as a sin but dislikes being lumped together with “angry, hateful and militant” opponents of gay rights.

“We don’t condemn gays that way,” Tuttle said. “But I wouldn’t have the faith to (perform) a gay marriage, because I do believe it’s not within God’s will. We see it as a sin, and they don’t. We don’t condone homosexuality for the same reason we don’t condone drunkenness, theft or encourage divorce. I don’t embrace their lifestyle or value system.”

But liberal clerics such as Regas believe gays should have a welcome home in the Christian church.

“The love of God revealed in the Jewish and Christian Scriptures is an inclusive love. That’s the predominant theme of biblical literature,” Regas said.

Most Christian commitment ceremonies for same-sex couples are performed by the Metropolitan Community Church, founded in 1968 for gays who feel uncomfortable in other churches. The church has more than 300 congregations worldwide.

The Rev. Jane Carl, co-pastor of Ocean of Life MCC in Costa Mesa, has performed about 50 same-sex ceremonies. Like heterosexual candidates for marriage, gay partners meet at least three times with Carl before the ceremony to discuss the emotional, spiritual and legal aspects of their union. Carl requires couples to have lived together for at least one year before the ceremony, and they must also attend her church at least three times if they don’t go to church elsewhere.

“If they want the support of this church, they need to know what it is that’s supporting them,” Carl said. “If it’s just God’s support they want, they can do (the ceremony) under a tree, and God will recognize their vows no matter where they do them.”

The specter of AIDS, Carl says, has played a role in encouraging long-term gay unions, especially among men. “Gay men are becoming much more monogamous in the face of AIDS,” she said. “You see a lot of commitment to not fooling around.”

Of the ceremonies Carl has conducted, 70% have been between women. At Congregation Kol Ami gay men take vows just as often as lesbians, which is a change from the late 1980s, Rabbi Eger said. She attributes the change to a renewal of the values of commitment in the gay male community, prompted by the AIDS epidemic.

Carl estimates that nationally, three of every five gay commitment ceremonies are non-religious. “The reason, I think, is that the church has done so much damage to gay and lesbian people spiritually that many are totally convinced that God will have no part of them. So they say, why do the ceremony in a church?”

Chris and Micki Clark of Orange County are among the lesbian couples who chose to include Christian passages in their wedding. The two met through a gay dating service last March and held a commitment ceremony just two months later.

“It was love at first sight,” said Chris, 31, who is a state employee. “We believe in God, and I wanted to have my lifelong partner marry me because it’s more of a commitment, more bonding. It’s not only a religious but a social bond when you’re out there in front of your friends and family.”

The wedding, performed by the Rev. Rosalind Russell of Laguna Beach, was held in the recreation room of the Clarks’ apartment complex and was followed by a party that lasted nearly eight hours.

The guest list--which grew from 20 to 42 as more friends and co-workers began to show interest in attending--included “gay, straight, old and young,” said Micki, 27, an administrative assistant for a rehabilitation firm.

Micki’s sister served as bridesmaid, Chris’ nephew was the ring-bearer, and Chris’ former brother-in-law gave away the bride to Chris, who dressed in a tux and tails.

Micki, who legally changed her last name to match Chris’, plans to have a baby through alternative insemination.

The couple’s parents, however, didn’t attend the ceremony. Micki’s parents, she said, “would rather see us married to males, but that’s their opinion. Gay people have the right to be married too. We’re in love.”

Russell, who has performed 40 same-sex unions at various venues since 1991, offers to intercede and speak to parents who balk at their children’s decision.

“Parents often support the couples, but not always,” Russell said. “Some parents live out of state, so the (children) don’t push (for them to come). The couples that do have families involved have a much stronger basis for their marriage, as with any relationship.”

Of the gay couples who are wed at Kol Ami, about one-fifth have parents who boycott the ceremony on principle. Another 25% of the parents, Eger says, are hesitant but find that the ceremony is a way to heal their relationship with their children.

“Say the parents are not dealing well with their child’s sexual orientation,” Eger says. “Then they get a call from the child announcing the ceremony. The parents resist at first but know they have to do the right thing and show up. And it has a positive effect. A wedding is a wedding. There’s music and loving words said.”

Lawsuits challenging states’ policies of withholding marriage licenses from gays have become a priority among gay-rights lawyers.

In 1993, the policy in California was unsuccessfully challenged by two West Hollywood men who sued after the Los Angeles county clerk denied their application for a marriage license.

In Hawaii, where the state’s constitution specifically addresses the issue of discrimination based on sex, a pending suit may fare better, said J Craig Fong of the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, which has brought the suit.

New Mexico and New Jersey may also soon be targeted for marriage license suits because those states’ constitutions and case laws show potential for being challenged, Fong said.

While the courts are deciding whether the definitions of marriage should be expanded, some private companies have rewritten their policies to include more non-traditional couples.

Some began by offering health and other benefits to the unmarried partners of heterosexual employees and then extended the benefit to the partners of gay and lesbian employees.

When former Apple Computer Chairman John Sculley initiated a benefits program for domestic partners last year, his rationale was as American as apple pie, said company spokesman Frank O’Mahony.

“He was concerned that we could have a potential disadvantage recruiting the best talent if gay people knew they couldn’t get adequate health benefits,” O’Mahony said. Sculley’s competitive pragmatism, the spokesman added, was accompanied by a personal belief that denying benefits to committed gay couples is simply unfair.

Other companies offering domestic partnership benefits include Levi Strauss, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and Stanford University. Some film studios and recording companies are also reportedly considering the policy.

Such benefits, however, may not be as lucrative as they seem, according to the Partners Task Force for Gay and Lesbian Couples, an advocacy group based in Seattle. The Internal Revenue Service calculates the dollar value of domestic partnership benefits, then adds that on to the working partner’s income, according to the task force.

Gay-rights advocates say the very fact that gay unions are not state-recognized is proof that the ceremonies are reflections of love rather than arrangements of convenience.

“We’re doing this in spite of the fact that there’s no legal or economic benefit,” said Eger, who has been wed nine years to her lesbian partner.

“Even though we’re discriminated against by the state from building stable, normative lives, I have people who have been together 18, 20, 24 years. I find it ironic that the radical right wants to paint the gay community as promiscuous, evil-doing and predatory when the reality is gay and lesbian commitment ceremonies are really about celebrating gay and lesbian stability.”

Eger concedes, however, that divorces among gay partners occur nearly as frequently as they do in heterosexual marriages. In such cases, she encourages her gay couples as well as her straight couples to undergo what she calls “a sacred ceremony of dissolutionment.”

“I do create ceremonies of closure and separation,” Eger says. “In (prenuptial) counseling we talk of what happens when the relationship doesn’t work.”

According to Daniel Holmes, who was wed on the moonlit beach, his relationship has become stronger since the ceremony.

“The ceremony strengthened it. We’d both had previous long-term relationships, and in this one, there’s not that thought that one of us could walk out the door. This is the most settled and loving time I’ve had in my life.”