How to Survive ‘Gap Kids’ : When children are separated by several years, ‘it’s almost like there are two different families,’ an Orange psychologist says. But with understanding and effort, such families can still be close-knit, he says.

When Lisa Harduvel was 10 and her parents told her that she would be getting a baby brother or sister, she thought they were joking. When she realized they weren’t kidding, she wasn’t pleased.

“I was happy being an only child and didn’t want a brother or sister,” says the 15-year-old from Huntington Beach, whose brother is now 5. “All my life I had spent time with people who were older than me, including my grandmother, with whom I’m very close. Until I started school, my best friends were women over 70; I still don’t really like people younger than me.”

Harduvel’s experience is not uncommon when there is a wide age difference between siblings, says psychologist David Juroe, who is with Yorba Park Medical Group in Orange.

“If children are separated by several years, it’s almost like there are two different families,” he says. “In cases where there are large gaps between children, the younger kids are perceived more as nieces and nephews or grandchildren by the rest of the family, rather than brothers or sisters.”

A wide age difference makes it hard, but not impossible, for a family to be close-knit, Juroe says.

As more couples divorce and remarry, “gap kids” are becoming more common, says Juroe, who is divorced and remarried. Between them, he and his wife have five children in their 20s, 30s and 40s--and a daughter they had together who is 12. Between Juroe’s 12-year-old and the next child there is a 10-year age difference. The youngest and oldest are 29 years apart.

Divorce and remarriage aren’t the only reason for gap kids. Some couples initially decide to just have one child and then change their minds. Other women find it difficult to get pregnant and take years to conceive again.

Whatever the reason for the large age difference, children in such situations face challenges, while their parents often find themselves caught in the middle between the younger and older children.

“It’s hard on the younger child, who often gets left out of family matters because of the age difference,” Juroe says. “While everyone sits and talks about Europe over dessert, the youngest is likely to wander off alone and watch TV.”

There are disadvantages for older children, as well. “In many cases, because finances are better when the younger child comes, he or she may get things that the parents couldn’t afford when the older child was young, and this creates animosity,” he says. “Because of their age, younger children also require more attention, and older kids often resent having to baby-sit their younger siblings.”

However, there are also some positives.

Young children often benefit from being able to ask for advice from older siblings, Juroe says.

“My 12-year-old daughter says that she’s found it very helpful to be able to ask her older sisters for advice about school and relationships with friends,” he says.

Older children can also be a big help to overworked parents by caring for the younger kids at times.

When brother Johnny came into Lisa Harduvel’s life just three days before her 10th birthday, she admits to some jealousy at the abundance of attention he received--and continues to get. They occasionally have a good time playing together, she says, adding that he’s usually a pest because he does things such as sneak into her room and take her things or bother her when she has guests.

Johnny’s arrival has caused a number of life changes for Lisa, says her mother, Jean Harduvel, 43, who is an accountant in Huntington Beach.

“Before Johnny came, my husband and I would often go to fancy restaurants and bring Lisa along because she fit right in and was very well behaved. We can no longer do that with my son, who is much more rambunctious. Now we go to family-style restaurants and do more ‘family’ things. Whereas we used to go out to lunch on Saturdays and to a show, now we do yard work and rent a movie.”

Jean is aware that her daughter is still not thrilled with her brother.

“Because she was an only child for so long, it has been impossible for Lisa to cope with this,” she says. “Her whole life was turned upside-down. She had a hard time understanding why, if life was so happy, would we want to ruin it with another child.”

If she had had a choice, Jean said, she would have had her children closer in age, but she had difficulty getting pregnant. It took her three years to conceive Lisa; she tried for a second child when Lisa was younger, but she was unable to get pregnant. The second pregnancy was unplanned.

At first, Jean says, Lisa dealt fairly well with the new addition.

“He was a novelty--a new little creature in the house who couldn’t walk or talk or break toys,” Jean says. “The hostility really began when he started walking.”

Today Jean says Johnny and Lisa fight a lot.

“He’s a typical boy and will tease her just to get a reaction out of her,” Jean says.

Through the years, Jean has done what she could to make things easier for Lisa, including giving her a larger room and decorating it with a canopy bed. Jean also goes with Lisa and Jean’s mother-in-law to music and dance performances, as they used to in the “old days.” And they shop together.

At times, Jean says, Lisa and Johnny do get along, especially when Lisa is caring for him.

“Although she doesn’t baby-sit him often, when Lisa does care for Johnny, she is very good with him, and he minds her when he knows she’s in charge,” she says.

Jean says she hopes that as Lisa settles into high school the tension between the two will taper off.

“I think that as they both get older and she becomes more involved in school, things will get better,” Jean says.

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William and Lidia Pinedo consider themselves lucky when it comes to their gap children, Jonathan, 12, and Nathan, 3. So far their older son has welcomed the addition of a brother, despite the many years he spent as the only child.

“Through the years Jonathan kept asking for a brother, so he was very interested when I became pregnant,” says Lidia, 38, who is a radiation therapist in Orange. The second pregnancy was a surprise for Lidia, who had tried at one point to have another child, but was unable to.

“I was very happy with one child, and I was really worried about having another one,” says Lidia, whose main concerns were who would care for the baby and whether she would be forced to pull her first son out of private school.

Providing well for her son was important to Lidia, because she came from a family of 12 children, and there was very little to go around.

“My parents did the best they could for us, but it was difficult with so many children,” she says. “I was never able to experience new things--there were just too many of us. I wanted to make sure my son would have the best, and with only one child that was possible.”

When Lidia and her husband decided that one child was enough, she says, they got a lot of pressure from family members.

“Members of my family were very concerned. They kept asking me, ‘What if something happens to him or you?’ Some of my sisters, who are 10 to 15 years older than me, have more than four kids, and they used to pressure me. When I became pregnant again, they were very happy for me.”

Lidia says that she and her husband were pleasantly surprised at how nice it is to have a second child.

“It’s wonderful to have more than one child, and I’m very happy I did it,” she says, noting that she has been able to spend more time with her second son during these early years. “When I had my first baby, I was going to radiation therapy school and working, so I had less time than I do now. The additional time has been nice.”

Before the birth, Lidia and her husband were concerned about their older son becoming jealous, so they tried to include him whenever possible.

“When I found out I was pregnant, we immediately told Jonathan about it, and he wanted to know all about babies,” Lidia says. “We explained things to him and even took him to childbirth preparation classes, where he learned about what it’s like to give birth.”

In addition, Jonathan went to just about every one of Lidia’s doctor appointments with her and saw the ultrasounds. They also let him pick the name, Nathan, and help decorate the nursery. “Jonathan bought the baby’s first bottle with his name on it. It was his idea, and he used his own money,” she says.

Lidia also arranged for Jonathan to be in the birthing room with the understanding that he could leave at any time.

“Although he was a little scared because of the pain I was going through during labor, when he saw the baby, he started laughing. It was a very precious moment for all of us,” Lidia says.

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Jonathan immediately bonded with his brother and is protective of him today, Lidia says. “I don’t ever have to tell Jonathan to watch out for his brother, because he is very responsible with him.”

Their older son is also very helpful with his younger brother, says William Pinedo, 45, a diagnostic technologist in Orange. “Jonathan will change his brother’s diapers and even fix him oatmeal; he’s a great big brother,” he says.

Although Jonathan is helpful, the Pinedos have made sure not to put too much responsibility on their oldest. “We try not to make the older one feel like his brother is his responsibility, because he isn’t. Nathan is mine and Lidia’s responsibility,” William says.

The brothers do quarrel, especially when Jonathan is trying to do his homework and his younger brother bothers him.

“When Jonathan tells Nathan to leave him alone, it makes Nathan feel rejected, because he doesn’t understand the importance of what his older brother is doing,” Lidia says. When Jonathan’s friends come over, he also tends to get annoyed with Nathan.

Today the Pinedos strive to keep their sons close by doing activities together. When William, who is an active bike rider, participates in fund-raising rides, he takes both boys with him.

“Activities together like that make both kids feel involved,” William says.