Stripping Bare the Objections to Adult Entertainment

Would we have a better world if they shut down every topless nightclub, adult bookstore and massage parlor?

Let’s hope we never have to find out.

Hey, I’m kidding! I’m kidding!

Maybe it’s because I’m a disgusting man with no moral compass, but I cannot take up arms in the burgeoning battle over Orange County’s adult-entertainment business.

Oh, you didn’t know there was a battle?

I haven’t seen this level of hostility since my old stomping grounds of Denver made national news with a topless doughnut shop. Well, the doughnuts weren’t topless . . . oh, you know what I mean.

Orange County is threatening to turn blue.

* Newport Beach rejected a permit for what would have been the city’s first nude-dancing bar.

* Fountain Valley, after receiving inquiries about nude-dance nightclubs, passed a temporary ordinance to keep out adult businesses, even while conceding that it can’t make the ban permanent.

* Costa Mesa has refused to issue permits to two existing massage parlors, saying they must close down later this month.

* Some Santa Ana residents are wary that two topless nightclubs will spawn imitators in other neighborhoods.

Last year, Anaheim lost a couple attempts to thwart topless dancing and a police sergeant warned of a possible “groundswell” of such clubs.

The adult entertainment business poses particularly ticklish problems for places like Orange County, where the entrepreneurial supply-and-demand business ethic butts heads with presumed moral sensibilities.

Confession time: I have attended performances at both Paddy Murphy’s and Captain Cream’s, two Orange County establishments that feature (are you sitting down for this?) topless dancing.

I know that many protesters are convinced that patrons of such places are life forms of the lowest order, but the crowds generally look like the guys who hang out at sports bars on Saturday night. Some young guys in T-shirts, some businessmen wearing shirts and ties, and a bunch of nondescript palookas in between.

Oh sure, they yell stupid stuff but it’s just as often at one of their buddies as it is at the dancers. And trust me, they know the dancers consider them all goofballs ready to part with their cash. What I’m saying is, clubs like that may have great sociological meaning, but it’s pretty much lost on everybody inside the joint.

So why does everybody get so uptight?

Fountain Valley Mayor John Collins says he realizes the city can’t ban adult businesses. Its best hope is to confine them to particular areas.

Collins says he’s convinced such places erode the American fabric of family and basic values. He likens it to the barrage of TV programs that, he says, undermine the traditional mom / dad / daughter / son scenario.

“Without question, it’s not just a majority but a vast majority of citizens of this city don’t want this type of business in their city, period,” he says.

While he won’t disregard any federal or state laws that permit adult businesses, Collins says, he is personally opposed to them. “If it (a topless club, for example) goes in someplace, I’d be one of the first people down there to picket,” he says. “I can do that as a private citizen, not as mayor. I wouldn’t have my mayor’s hat on then. I’d put on my Red Sox hat.”

I asked what it is that bugs him. “I guess I wouldn’t picket one in Anaheim or Garden Grove or Costa Mesa,” he says. “I guess I don’t feel that strongly about it, but I don’t want them in my city.”

What is it that people really fear from an adult bookstore? Why would people not fear having one of those naughty books in their home and yet cringe at them in a store?

Why isn’t Orange County’s conservative community crying out, “Wait a minute, dirty books don’t kill people; people kill people.” And, surely we know that topless dancers don’t kill people.

It isn’t the presence of the stuff that offends. And you can’t even say with complete certainty that it’s the kind of people that stuff attracts: remember Jimmy Swaggart? He preached to millions over TV and yet he had that thing for Penthouse magazine.

So, is it just the idea we don’t like? Do we hate being tempted by stuff like that? Would it make our moral choices much simpler if there wasn’t a place down the street to go to ? Are we protecting ourselves from ourselves?

Sorry to leave you hanging, but I have no idea what the answer is.

I’m content knowing that some of history’s most entertaining fights have come between moralists and whatever you call the other side.

Many of you will be outraged by the imminent battles over adult entertainment in Orange County.

I, for one, expect to be amused.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.