Barbie’s Plan to Boost L.A.: Sex and Death : Why deny our image when we can exploit it? You know what Elvis’ manager said: ‘There’s no such thing as bad publicity.’

It’s not every day Deputy Mayor Barbie has a birthday, and though I’ve always thought of her as ageless--as beautiful today as when she first came off Mattel’s assembly line--the 35th seemed to hit her pretty hard.

We surprised the Deputy Mayor for Damage Control with a party Wednesday night in the back room at The Redwood. Alice the waitress, who’s been hustling drinks longer than Barbie’s been around, kept the booze flowing. One joker was wearing wingtips, a gray suit, a red necktie and a lampshade. It seems he was doing a bawdy imitation of the boss. “Privatize this!” he’d roar.

Mayor Riordan, you may recall, didn’t find his Barbie at Toys R Us. Their relationship--strictly professional, she assures me--goes back to when he was restructuring Mattel Corp. Barbie came to the Riordan Administration as a quid pro quo.

Barbie was looking depressed. Her painted-on smile seemed a bit forced. She was standing on a table between a mai tai and margarita, a straw in each. Barbie is no lightweight. Even so, it looked like she might stumble head first into the guacamole.

Then suddenly her baby blues went from bleary to bright.

“I’ve got it!” she cried. “Eros and Thanatos! That’s it! Eros and Thanatos!”

Say what?

*

“Sex and death,” she explained later. “Didn’t you ever study Greek mythology? Ah, the seductive dance of Eros and Thanatos. We are thrilled by sex and the threat of death.”

We were drinking coffee now. Barbie seemed perfectly sober. A little creepy, but sober.

“Eros and Thanatos will save Los Angeles!” she declared. Then Deputy Mayor Barbie explained:

That very day, the mayor had handed her a thankless task. How can we spruce up the city’s image when “L. A.’s finest,” playing hardball in their campaign for a raise, are threatening to produce a video warning tourists of the dangers of Los Angeles?

“When I started mixing my drinks, the answer became clear. Hey, Miami was hurting before ‘Miami Vice’ came along. Think about it. All over the world people know L. A. from ‘Lethal Weapon’ and ‘Terminator.’ This is post-’Dragnet’ L. A. Why fight it? Ever since Rodney King, L. A.’s been a regular on the nightly news. Riots. Fires. Earthquakes. Is that such a bad thing?”

Yes, I said. It’s terrible. It’s awful.

“It’s exciting!” she replied. “It’s thrilling! We’ve got Hollywood glamour and drive-by danger. Sex and death! Eros and Thanatos!”

But Barbie . . .

“Listen,” she went on, “people flock to Universal Studios for ‘Earthquake’ and ‘Backdraft.’ They get vicarious jollies at the shoot-’em-up stage shows. L. A. is the real thing--the ultimate thrill ride!” There was no stopping her.

“Face it: That old ‘laid-back and mellow’ crap never did much for tourism. We need a new multimedia strategy. Why deny our image when we can exploit it? We’ll get so many tourists the cops will get their raise! You know what Elvis’ manager said: ‘There’s no such thing as bad publicity.’ ”

True. But look how Elvis ended up.

“Can’t you just hear Randy Newman’s ‘I Love L.A.’ as a soundtrack to a video of murder and mayhem?” she said. “And we’ll need a slogan. . . Something like: ‘Los Angeles. We dare you. ‘ “

“Well,” I ventured, “it’s better than: ‘Eros. Thanatos. Los Angeles. ‘ “

It was meant to be a joke.

“Hey, that’s not bad,” Barbie said. “We could put that in the New Yorker.”

*

She leaned down into her coffee cup and sipped. Looking up, her eyes sparkled.

“I’ve got just the spokesman!” she said gleefully. “Nicholson!”

Jack? Well, yes. He is very L. A.

“He’d be perfect!” Barbie said. “Los Angeles is the only city in the world where a tourist might be lucky enough to have his windshield smashed by a major star wielding a 5-iron!

“Imagine an ad with Jack on a fairway at Riviera, pulling a club out of his bag. . . . ‘Los Angeles, ‘ he sneers. Then he swings. The ball soars. Flash through a series of L. A. images--sex-and-death stuff. End with the ball burying itself in a humongous bunker.

“Now cut to smilin’ Jack: ‘We dare you. ‘ “

Barbie was on a roll.

“And how about a film noir spot with Nicholson as ‘Chinatown’s Jake Gittes: ‘The City of Angels. It beats a knife up your nose.’ “

It took awhile, but Deputy Mayor Barbie had won me over. There was just one problem, I told her. The taxpayers could never afford Nicholson.

Barbie gave me a sly grin.

“The man is facing criminal charges,” she said. “We’ll work it into the plea bargain.”

But would a judge agree to that?

“Hey,” Barbie said, “if this isn’t community service, what is?”

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Readers may write Harris at The Times Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth, Ca . 91311.