Movie Reveals Disney Isn’t Practicing What It Preaches

There are two great evils in the world today, according to the makers of “D2: The Mighty Ducks,” and I’m not quite sure which is worse.

Runaway commercialism in sports?

Or those darned Icelanders?

This may come as news as you pull on your official Mighty Ducks Tie-Dye Shorts (list price: $24), button your official Mighty Ducks Hydrowash Jacket (list price: $205) and dress up little Suzie in her official Mighty Ducks Toddler Jog Suit (list price: $22) and official Mighty Ducks Hair Twistie (list price: $8), so you’d better hold on to your official Mighty Ducks Two-Tone Wool Cap (“As seen on Michael Eisner at Mighty Ducks press conference;” list price: $20), because the story I am about to retell is true.

“D2” is the second sequel to “The Mighty Ducks,” the insanely profitable 1992 Disney kids’ movie that also spawned the 1993-94 professional hockey team. Emilio Estevez is back as the Toe Blake of pee-wee hockey, as are the eponymous rink rats of the original, this time bidding to win the championship of the Junior Goodwill Games and rid the sport of avarice and greed, sermonizing while they work.

It is one heavy message, especially as it is delivered between Estevez’s clarion call to the troops on a Mighty Ducks whistle (list price: $10) and a post-victory campfire sing-along rendition of Queen’s “We Are The Champions,” (catalogue rights owned by the Walt Disney Co.)

Estevez, as the ever-reluctant Coach Gordon Bombay, is lured into reassembling the Ducks only when he is approached by a greasy businessman, played by Michael Tucker, who entices Bombay with an obscenely huge endorsement contract. How obscenely huge we never know, but judging from Bombay’s jaw-dropping reaction, it’s presumed to be in the vicinity of what Paul Kariya is asking for.

“I sell you, you sell the sport, we both get rich,” the greasy Mr. Tibbles hisses into Bombay’s ear as they conspire in the back seat of a stretch limo. “Gordon, life can be great when you know the right people.”

So, of course, Gordon signs and sells his soul. His crimes against the purity of the game are, in rough order of severity, slicking his hair like Pat Riley, trading his letterman’s jacket for Armani, moving into a beachside condo, attending catered parties and sharing two scoops of Haagen-Dazs with the comely female trainer of the Iceland team.

To me, this sounds like the standard profile for the Orange County Mighty Duck season-ticket holder, but in the eyes of the young Ducks, their coach has strayed. It is up to them to bring him back to the fold, make him see the light . . . and purge us all of the Icelandic menace presently threatening our shores.

Iceland, Evil Empire. It has to be tough casting villains in 1994, what with the Soviet Union no longer available and Japan not much for penalty-killing. But Iceland? Did they lose a coin flip with Denmark? Are they saving France for “D3: EuroDisney Strikes Back?”

For whatever reason, the role of Public Enemy No. 1 in “D2” goes to a tiny knob of volcanic rock bobbing in the Norwegian Sea--with a population half the size of Memphis, but, apparently, many hulking, brooding sinister right wingers named Gunnar and Olaf.

Dressed in black from head to toe, Team Iceland pummels the scrappy Ducks in an early-round matchup, giving Bombay and Iceland Coach Wolf (The Dentist) Stansson, a kind of Drago on skates, numerous chances to scowl at one another.

As you might expect, the Ducks do regroup for a scintillating, climactic rematch--and what a group it is. Goldberg the goalie works in his dad’s kosher delicatessen. Mendoza, a recruit from South Miami, takes the ice to Latin music. Robertson is a lasso-twirlin’ cowpoke. Ken Wu is a transplanted Korean figure skater. Tyler is a trash-talkin’ walk-on from inner-city Los Angeles. Team Iceland, meet Team Baskin Robbins.

There are also two girls on these Ducks, one a goalie from Bangor, Maine, and this is where “D2” lapses into preposterous fantasy.

In real life, players from Maine do get drafted by the Mighty Ducks, but never play for them.

All hope appears lost until the bedraggled Ducks pay a visit to South-Central, where a tough-looking group of locals, decked out in very expensive roller hockey gear, challenges them to a game of “schoolyard puck.” There are now kids living in Iowa, who, after seeing “D2,” believe this to be an everyday occurrence.

Soon, the Ducks learn some slick moves, Wu the figure skater is taught how to drop the gloves and a brotherhood is forged--with police helicopters chirping, sirens blaring and dogs barking in the background for added effect.

Switch scenes to clean, pristine Anaheim, palm trees waving outside the glorious Pond, a veritable oasis, and site of the championship finale.

Again, the Ducks look overmatched. They are down. They are out.

And then, Bombay breaks out new uniforms. Real Mighty Duck of Anaheim uniforms, purple, green and white uniforms. Lose the ratty red, white and blue, guys. Get rid of that tired U S A logo, too. You’re playing for a higher entity now.

And kids in the theater, pay close attention to what happens when our boys and girls don the official colors of the Mighty Duck. In those jerseys, wondrous things happen. Magic happens.

List price: $69.