THE BIZ : Trouble in Tube Towns

One of the joys of cable television is that it lets us see ourselves as others see us. If you were to believe the reports from CNN, TBS, WGN and the Disaster Channel, post-Northridge Los Angeles has been reduced to a city in ruins, lacking even the very basic elements of life--the water to fill our black-bottomed pools and power to run our home-tanning beds.

But before you join the exodus of U-Hauls rising out of the Valley, take a closer look at a few other towns that we see a lot of on TV. The grass might not be greener after all (even if the ground it’s growing on is standing still):

Cabot Cove. Friendly smiles, quaint Maine accents--and the highest per capita murder rate of any small town in North America. Newcomers to Cabot Cove never last more than 60 minutes in town before either expiring or confessing, so don’t worry about qualifying for that 30-year mortgage.

Cicely. Everyone in this town talks and talks and talks and talks. Be sure to bring your collection of Descartes, Whitman, Sartre and Sand, but don’t bother to pack your long underwear. This is one part of Alaska where there’s more hot air than snow.

Boston. Get serious. Do you really want everyone to know your name?

New York. This town used to be about something, now it’s about nothing. Sitting around a restaurant 24 hours a day complaining about underwear wedgies with friends just isn’t a fair trade-off for the lack of parking and lousy weather. The Big Apple? Don’t you mean the Big Whineapple?

Detroit. The Motor City has its share of foul weather, but if that’s not enough to keep you housebound, the rambling pontifications of your unseen neighbors certainly will. Here’s a topic you won’t want to miss on the next episode of “Tool Time”: Soundproofing.