Trials and Rewards of Family Travel, Cousins and In-Laws Included

It wasn’t even 7 a.m. but Matt, just 3 at the time, was wide awake, determined to make the most of the bright Caribbean morning by alternately shrieking in the pool and smashing coconuts on the stone terrace of our rental house on St. Martin. Unfortunately, my dad, brother-in-law and sister were trying to sleep in rooms directly overlooking the terrace.

Seven years later, we’re still getting ribbed about the coconut-smashing. But we were paid back royally on a fishing trip to Minnesota when my infant nephew didn’t sleep more than an hour at a stretch. We still laugh about those gaffes . . . as we discuss where we should go next.

Trips with the entire family--siblings and grandparents and cousins--are admittedly crazy and difficult to plan. They can be downright awful for those who don’t get along, but they can be wonderful for those who do. The keys to making sure that your family experiences the latter are cooperation, planning and realistic expectations, with careful attention paid to the difference in ages that may be part of the mix.

“Everyone being there together was a big piece of making it so special,” said New Yorker Eleanor Mascheroni, whose husband’s family rented a house together in Tuscany. “It sounds so bucolic but we really had a ball.”

The Mascheronis had such a good time two years ago that they are contemplating a similar vacation this summer. “Since that trip, we’ve spent even more time together,” Mascheroni said. “This isn’t a way to patch up anything. You’ve got to have a good relationship to start with. But it sets the stage for future experiences together.”

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“One of the real attractions is that the cousins get to know each other,” said Los Angeles resident and television writer Jeff Melvoin, whose siblings and parents have gathered in Boston, Chicago and Los Angeles to ski, ride horses or, most recently, celebrate his dad’s 65th birthday in Santa Fe, N.M. “And just about the time you’re remembering what gets on your nerves about each other, it’s time to go home again,” Melvoin said, laughing.

Tufts University child psychologist Don Wertlieb, chairman of the child studies department, recognized the value of compromise on a recent trip with his parents. During a long walk--something he, his wife and their children enjoy--he noticed his parents getting tired. At that moment he realized that his family’s fondness for long walks was too much for his parents. “We took a bus back,” he said. That experience is one reason why Wertlieb recommends that families plan destinations, and at least some activities that “will appeal to different generations and interests.”

Family therapist Cheryl Rampage agrees. “Many of us haven’t vacationed with our families since high school and now it’s 20 years later,” said Rampage, of the Northwestern University-affiliated Family Institute in Chicago. “Remember, it’s going to be really different.”

If there are family tensions, they will no doubt be present on a cruise ship as much as in a kitchen at home. Rampage recalled the family that had a major fight in the middle of a week in a remote location. “They all had come in one van and no one could really escape even for a few hours to cool off,” she said. “It made it awkward for the rest of the trip.”

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Discipline can be another thorny issue--especially for grandparents who don’t spend a lot of time around their grandchildren.

“Everyone should bend a little,” said Dr. Arthur Kornhaber, founder of the Foundation for Grandparenting, a nonprofit organization devoted to intergenerational involvement. “When grandparents and parents are together, the parents are the police force,” he acknowledged. “But it’s also important for parents to respect that grandparents might do things a little differently,” and to teach children that especially on vacation, it’s OK.

To make certain everyone knows what they’re in for, it’s important to choose the locale carefully and discuss the trip thoroughly--ahead of time. How much baby-sitting will the grandparents provide? How much time does the family really want to be together?

“One of the foibles is that everyone has to always be together on a trip like this,” said Philadelphia Child Guidance Center psychologist Marion Lindblad-Goldberg. “Split up and get back together for dinner,” she suggested.

Eleanor Mascheroni, for one, has sometimes stayed at the family’s vacation rental house and gone swimming with her husband and two young daughters while her brother-in-law went off to paint and her in-laws to sightsee. Other days, her in-laws have watched the children so she and her husband could take a break.

“One thing that really helped was that we had our own car,” Mascheroni explained. “Don’t have huge expectations of what you’ll do,” she added. “The idea is to be together.”

While the family still can be together, that is. We didn’t know it then, but our St. Martin trip would be the last vacation we would have together. My dad died a few months later. The memories count for a lot.