A Close-Up Look At People Who Matter : Abuse Victim’s Resource Book Spreads Word

Alexis Asher remembers standing one night on an empty suburban street--barefoot, wearing only a nightgown and clutching her Siamese cat--after fleeing her abusive fiance.

She didn’t want to admit to family or friends that she’d been choked, bitten and beaten by the man she planned to marry. Confused, she flipped through a telephone book looking for help. She found no answers.

Although her fiance found her and carted her home, that night changed the focus of Asher’s life.

“I’ll never forget that feeling of wanting to reach out but not knowing where or to whom,” Asher said.

After Asher, a pen name for the Woodland Hills woman, left her fiance in 1991, she spent two years researching and compiling a resource guide that shows abused women where to turn for help in the Los Angeles area.

“These talk shows and books go on and on and on about the horror of it. But they don’t tell you what to do,” said Asher, 40.

Asher self-published 5,000 copies of the book “Is Someone You Love Hurting You?” in December. She plans another 5,000 copies within months.

The Los Angeles district attorney’s office is distributing 1,000 books to abuse victims who come through the court system. The books were bought and donated by the oil company Arco, Asher said. A women’s center in Santa Monica is already running out of the 300 books the actress Cher bought from Asher and donated. The books sell for $7.95.

“I think the women need to know that they’re not alone. I think she did a good job of creating a guide for battered women,” said Renee Williams, coordinator of education and outreach program for Sojourn Services for Battered Women and their Children in Santa Monica.

When women come into the 15-bed shelter or the program’s support group, Williams hands them the book along with Sojourn’s information.

“I feel like even if they never come back to our group, they have the most vital information for our community,” she said.

The paperback book includes chapters detailing where women in the Los Angeles area can go for shelter, counseling, medical help, legal advice and protection.

The book also helps define abuse. Asher says she could have used that definition a few years ago.

Like many women suffering at the hands of loved ones, Asher didn’t believe she was being abused.

“I had no experience of being abused by a man you loved. I didn’t really understand it,” she said. “The thing is you really love these men and they can be so wonderful. They do love you--in their understanding of love.”

Only after calling police one night did she realize how serious and dangerous her situation had become.

Her self-esteem destroyed, and with no money and little hope, she turned to shelters and to support groups. There, she heard stories of other women too afraid, too confused to leave.

“What I saw, I can’t ever forget,” she said. “The hurt, the bruises, the mental state these women were in chilled me.”

What struck Asher was the lack of hope that she saw in herself and in the other women.

“These women think there is no joy left in the world. They think there are no loving men in the world,” she said.

But now that Asher has rebuilt her life, she wants others to know it’s possible.

“You can get better, you can get out. You can be loved, you can be happy. You can live a life without violence. That is the truth. But most women don’t see that,” she said. ‘You can feel good about yourself no matter what you’ve been through.”

Although she will always remember the pain of being trapped, being abused, Asher said a fonder memory is that of freedom.

“I can also remember the joy and happiness when I got out and got my own apartment,” she said. “To be able to have a cup of coffee, a bath, to cook. I’ll never forget it. Not to have to be anything I’m not.”

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