Jokes

Humor is in the eye of the beholder. Behold: Roseanne-Tom watch: David Letterman has a personal message for Mrs. Barr Arnold:

“I’m available, I love you and I already have a TV show.” Among the reasons on Dave’s Top 10 List why Tom and Roseanne thought of divorcing:

No. 9--Tom tired of her coattails. He wants to try new coattails. No. 8--Ran out of body space for new tattoos. No. 7--Tom actually getting better ratings on TV than in bed. No. 5--Tom felt it was time to prove he could fail on his own. No. 4--Tom kept leaving the cap off the giant tube of cake icing. No. 2--Never recovered from horror of seeing each other naked.

No. 1--Who cares?

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From Jay Leno, on the Rodney King judgment against the city of Los Angeles: “Today, Hillary Clinton called Rodney King personally and told him how she could turn that $3.8 million into $12 billion by the end of the year.”

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Funny in Print: A mouse was desperately trying to escape from a cat when, luckily, he spotted a crevice in a wall. Diving in, he waited for the cat to leave. Suddenly, he heard the sound of barking.

Aha, he thought, where there’s a dog, there’s no cat. He ventured a few feet out from the wall and was instantly snatched by the cat.

The stunned mouse looked up at the menacing feline. “Some of us,” the cat snarled, “are bilingual.” --Playboy, May, 1994

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Club Watch: Valet parking (va-lay par-king), n., defined by comedian Barry Sobel:

They say, “Give us your $30,000 car, and we’ll give you a slip of paper saying we’re not responsible for it.”

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Lawyer Steven Ray Garcia of Los Angeles says his son is a chip off the old block:

On Christmas morning, my 4-year-old son opened two battery-powered trucks and started playing with them on the floor. He raced them against each other until one became stuck under the front edge of the sofa and the second truck rear-ended it.

Looking up at me, he shouted: “Daddy, look, they crashed.”

Then he pointed to the second truck: “That one pays.”

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The Funny Stuff comedy newsletter offers both male and female sexist jokes of the week:

MALE: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress? 30 pounds.

FEMALE: What’s the difference between a husband and a lover? 30 minutes.