LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Conan O’Brien offers more information about the Christie Brinkley helicopter-crash saga:

“After the crash, she saved the life of an 11-year-old boy by covering him with her body for over three hours. The rescuers arrived much earlier, but the boy held them at bay with a flare gun.”

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Club Watch: Comic Craig Shoemaker talks about one of his dogs:

“It’s half pit bull, half poodle. It’s not much of a guard dog, but it is a vicious gossip.”

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Reader Justin M. Fishbein offers the latest joke making the rounds in Palm Springs:

A 88-year-old woman recently married an 90-year-old man. When they went to bed on their honeymoon night, she took his hand in hers, and they fell asleep.

The next night, the same thing happened. On the third night, however, she failed to take his hand, and he asked her why.

“Not tonight,” she said. “I’ve got a headache.” *

Radio shock jock Howard Stern won the Libertarian Party’s nomination for New York governor, but won’t be on the ballot unless 15,000 sign petitions. Comic Argus Hamilton says he’d like Stern’s chances better, “if only his fans could write.”

How bad was the Rodney King beating? Hamilton says that when officials in Singapore saw the famous tape of it even they said, “Show some compassion.”

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Comedy writer Tony Peyser says the five L. A. gang members arrested after robbing a Las Vegas casino might have gotten away except for one thing:

“They went to a Wayne Newton show afterward and repeatedly requested that he sing something by Ice-T.”

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From the Gags Gang at Funny Stuff comedy newsletter:

Last week, a delivery truck exploded, and the fire destroyed 10,000 copies of Roget’s Thesaurus. Witnesses were shocked, thunderstruck, aghast, dumbfounded, astounded, bewitched, bothered and bewildered.

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Craig Pylant of Canoga Park says he grew up at a busy intersection in Chatsworth. He remembers sitting on his front lawn one summer day:

A police officer in a patrol car was waiting patiently for the light to turn green when a middle-aged woman tried to beat the adjacent yellow light. She gunned her motor but upon seeing the cop, slammed on her brakes and slid sideways into the intersection, stopping directly in front of the patrol car.

I could see the terrified look on her face. That changed to relief when the officer got out of his car, walked into the intersection and, in the best form of a baseball umpire, signaled “safe.”

Then he then got back in his car and drove away.