Community Comment : A Day in the Life of One Substitute Teacher

SCENE I: Classroom in any Southern California public high school, any morning. Substitute enters, trying to appear poised, casual and very together. The school secretary has given her an instruction sheet that informs her the classes she is to teach are titled “Greater Ed.” Before the first class bell rings, substitute checks her face, hair, hose. She cannot find roll book, seating chart, lesson plans.

Bell rings. Students enter, melt, drag, float into room. A few jump in through the windows. On seeing the “sub,” there is much exchanging of seats.

Students: “Where is our teacher Mr. Johnson?”

Substitute: “Mr. Johnson is desperately ill. I will help you with your studying today.”

Students: Moans. Groans. Then each gathers supplies for “Greater Ed.”--spitballs, paper airplanes, Fritos, nail polish, rubber bands, combs, sunflower seeds, etc. Then they all chant in chorus:

“Rooty, toot, toot! Rooty, toot, toot!

Let’s get rid of this substitute. . .

Substitute: Silently prays to Madonna, patron saint of teen-agers. Continues to search desk for roll and study plans. In lower drawer, she finds half-empty bottle of Chivas Regal, a file of comic books, and a dismantled Uzi. She closes drawer, then smiles confidently at class.

“Today there is dawning another blue day,

Oh, say, shall we let it slip uselessly away?”

Students: “Let’s! Right On!”

Substitute: “I cannot locate the roll book. Will you please sign in on this paper that I will have passed around?”

When the paper is returned, she is amazed to discover that Mickey Mouse, Tiffany, Magic Johnson, the Easter Bunny and Hilary Clinton are in class. The sheet is also spattered with local gang signs. Having no assignment to give this group of groupies, the sub takes an educated guess and invents one. “Today, you will write an essay on ‘Greater Ed.’ ”

Time Fortunately Marches On

SCENE II: The substitute is writing her “end-of-day” report to be turned in to the school secretary. She is now frizzled, frazzled, frenzied. “Who or what is ‘Greater Ed.’ ” No one there has been able to inform her; in fact, this is their day to be uninformative to strange substitutes.

Evaluation of Substitute’s Day by Evaluators in Ascending Order of Importance:

Administrators: They are not on school campus. They are at the local Education Center in conference. Brows are furrowed. Discussion involves curriculum, behavior. “Is Red Riding Hood too red for formative minds?” . . . “When I was in school, rapping was . . .” They finally begin chanting, “Meaningful dialogue, Meaningful dialogue, Meaningful dialogue, $$$$$ . . . “

Principal: “Old Bag that took Ed Johnson’s classes did ( ) or did not () keep apes from climbing walls.”

Returning Teacher Johnson: “Well, kids, we’ve lost time, a lot of time . . . “ To himself, “ I wonder how much more sick leave I can fake?”

Students: Check one--Cruddy (), Groovy (), Ba-aad (), a Nerd (), Dead ().

School Secretary: “Sub’s dye job is a mess. Beginning run in left stocking near ankle. Bleary-eyed.”

Sanitation Engineer (previously known as janitor): He is trying to clean up tagging signs, all of which are untranslatable. What he says is also untranslatable, “%*&@%$*+%.”

Substitute’s Self-evaluation: After reaching sanctity of her home, she enters, locks door, removes shoes, and takes a long drag on the bottle of Chivas Regal that she had removed from the teacher’s desk. Then she swears, “I shall return if called. I need the money.”