LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Funny in print: After his appearance Sunday on “Meet the Press,” Jay Leno stayed for coffee with another guest, Sen. George Mitchell.

“You’re 60, right?” Leno was overheard asking Mitchell.

“Yes,” the majority leader replied.

“And you’re engaged to a woman who’s 35, right?” Leno asked.

“Yes,” Mitchell conceded.

“Well,” Leno said. “Now I can see why you’re so interested in getting health-care reform passed!”

--Washington Post *

Top 10 reasons David Letterman says he is glad to be back in New York:

10. Missed the tangy taste of Hudson River drinking water.

9. Nobody rubs up against you on the L.A. subway.

8. May is “clothing optional month” in Central Park.

7. Two more days and he’d be married to Liz Taylor.

6. Get cheap applause just for mentioning New York City.

5. I was a little creeped out by my bellhops, Lyle and Erik.

4. Two words: James Caan.

3. Got tired of eating burgers with Zsa Zsa Gabor.

2. Our middle fingers were starting to lose muscle tone.

1. We missed the rats.

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Overheard: Jimmy the Sports Guy, on the Kevin and Bean Show, KROQ-FM (106.7), on the arrest of 18-year-old tennis star Jennifer Capriati for possession of marijuana in Florida: “She explained to police that if you want to win Wimbledon, you’ve got to learn to play on grass.”

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Short takes: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the two female FBI agents who will get nearly $350,000 in the settlement of a sexual harassment lawsuit: “They will also each receive five of J. Edgar Hoover’s chiffon dresses, three of his silk blouses and a pair of matching pumps.”

Peyser, on a Redbook survey claiming that women think sex is over-rated, that 29% would rather relax on the beach and that 28% would prefer a romantic dinner: “That’s fine with most men--as long as they can have sex first.”

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Jokes for art’s sake: Comic Keith Nelson says the Andy Warhol Museum has been established in Pittsburgh, but it’s only open 15 minutes a day.

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When reader Harriet Knight of Valencia tucked her 9-year-old son in bed the other night, he told her that he felt nauseated. She immediately went into a tirade about how he had overdone it while playing with the dog after a recent bout with flu.

“No, Mom, it’s not the flu,” he replied. “I was just reading that book about sex you got for me.”