Laugh Lines : Jokes

Short takes: A new study shows that U. S. teens trail far behind German and Japanese students in biology. Said one researcher: “If our kids didn’t date, they wouldn’t know anything about it at all.” --Bob Mills

Inmate David Lawson, who is scheduled to be put to death June 15, wants his execution videotaped and shown just hours later on “Donahue.” Lawson originally wanted it to appear on “The Chevy Chase Show,” but the show died first. --Tony Peyser

The Postal Service is spending millions to help provide speedier service. What this really means is, they’re buying more signs that say, “Next window.” --Earl Hochman

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Late night: David Letterman, on the success of Dan Quayle’s book: “Just about now, Dan is probably saying to himself: ‘God, I gotta read this thing!’ ”

Jay Leno, on the car dealer who said he had to provide hookers just to stay in business: “And I thought it was a good deal when I got them to throw in floor mats and air freshener.”

Leno, on a trademark infringement lawsuit by Jaguar Motor Cars against the new NFL team, the Jacksonville Jaguars: “I guess it’s possible to confuse the two: Both are owned by rich white guys trying to score.”

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A guy books a two-week cruise for him and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says that the cruise has been canceled, but he can get him on a three-day cruise. The guy says OK and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the travel agent calls back and says he can now book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it, and returns to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can book an eight-day cruise, so the guy goes back to the drug store and buys three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

This time, however, the pharmacist asks: “If it keeps making you sick, how come you keep doing it?”

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Q&A;: What are Rodney King’s friends and relatives asking him these days? Can we all get a loan? --Paul Feldman

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless. --Jaime Callens

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Teacher Alice Shragai asked her students several questions after a field trip to The Times, including: “Did you find the trip educational?” Shragai says Theresa, 13, answered:

“It was not fun at all, so it must have been educational.”