LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the juror who brought a dictionary into the deliberation room at Rodney King’s civil trial to look up the word reprehensible . When the trial judge lectured the juror and announced that the dictionary would be confiscated, the juror was overheard saying, “Whew! I thought he was going to take it away from me.”

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Late night: Among David Letterman’s Top 10 New Margarine Slogans:

* “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Healthy.”

* “Little Pats of Poison.”

* “For External Use Only.”

* “Which Are You Gonna Believe: Boring Laboratory Studies or Cool TV Commercials?”

* “Give us a Week and We’ll Shut Off Your Heart.”

* “Mmmm, Mmmmm, Dead.”

Jay Leno on John Wayne Bobbitt continuing to deny that he is the father of a baby born in New York: “Not only do blood tests show that he is the father. The baby also sleeps with one eye open.”

Leno, on ex-D. C. Mayor Marion Barry saying he wants to run for the office again: “He would be the first official in history to ride in a limo with a license plate that he made himself.”

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Tube talk: “Just wondering: With the recent cameos by comic forefathers Johnny Carson and Jack Paar on the Letterman and Leno shows, how long will it be before Bozo the Clown visits Geraldo?”

-- Paul Feldman

“ ‘L. A. Law’ may be gone from NBC, but it will soon be back on cable under a new name: ‘National Geographic’s Return to Shark Island’.”

-- Bob Mills

“I’m in favor of them televising an execution on ‘Donahue.’ Maybe it will serve as a deterrent to the rest of those annoying talk show guests.”

-- Patti Steger

* “Upcoming on ‘Donahue’: Agoraphobic Homosexuals Who Are Afraid to Come Out of the Closet.”

* Upcoming recipe book from ex-CBS newsman Charles Kuralt: “1,001 Ways to Prepare Road kill.”

--Gags Gang/Funny Stuff newsletter *

Reader Don Rand of Huntington Beach says it’s more than a joke, it’s a sign of the times:

Two kindergarten children, a boy and a girl, were on their way to school when the girl said: “I found a condom on our patio this morning.” The little boy looked at her quizzically, thought for a moment and then asked: “What’s a patio?” *

Reader Diane Stiles of Redondo Beach remembers the three men who paraded back and forth in front of the booth she and friends had occupied:

Obviously they were looking for a table. A friend had said that one guy--in tight blue jeans, cowboy hat and boots--was a DJ from a country music station. Suddenly, he stopped, pivoted and whispered to me: “Jordache.”