LAUGH LINES : JOKES

Jay Leno, on the death of the inventor of disposable Bic pens, lighters and razors: “Doctors did everything to revive him. They shook him, put a match under him and clicked his head back and forth. . . . The saddest news, there wasn’t even a funeral. They just threw him away.”

Leno, on voice-activated phone service: “You yell ‘house,’ it dials your house. Yell ‘office,’ it dials your office. And if you cough, it automatically dials the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co.”

Tony Peyser reports that although the President and the Pope did not see eye to eye on birth control and abortion, “they did agree that NBC is nuts to put ‘Frasier’ opposite ‘Roseanne.’ ”

Peyser, on the Saudi prince who put up $500 million for a major stake in Euro Disney: “Park officials claim no major changes will be made, but did admit that Minnie will now wear a veil.”

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Short takes: Dr. Kevorkian now has a record coming out. It’s simply titled: “Jack Unplugged.”

--Joe Kevany

Displeased by the way U.N. Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali has handled situations in Bosnia, Rwanda and elsewhere, member nations have voted to demote him one rank to Boutros Ghali.

--Rob Lindstrom, La Canada

How do you know if there is illegal cock fighting going on in your neighborhood? There’s a huge clearance sale on just wings.

--Peter Tilden, 710 Talk (AM)

The U.S. Forest Service wants to shorten Smokey the Bear’s name. A spokesman says his official name is now just Smokey Bear. Uh-huh. Remember folks: Only you can prevent stupid wastes of time.

--Paul Steinberg

The President says he’ll stand by his principles on Haiti. In other words, it could go either way.

--Argus Hamilton

Overheard in a gay bar: You mean you were in the closet for 20 years and you came out wearing that ?

--Gags Gang/Funny Stuff newsletter

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A man’s wife came home one day to find his suitcases packed and ready to go. She asked where he was going. “To Australia,” he replied, “where I hear the gals pay the guys $10 for sex.”

She told him to wait, and in a few minutes she returned with her own suitcases.

“And where do you think you’re going?” he asked.

“With you, of course,” she answered. “I want to see you try to live on $20 a month.”

--James R. Pratley, San Diego

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While playing golf at a country club, Marion Pucci of Northridge saw the name of a friend on a locker, a woman she hadn’t seen in 50 years. She left a note and they talked by phone to plan a golf date:

I said, “Joyce, I have to tell you, I am fat.”

She replied, “Marion, I’m still blonde.”