LAUCH LINES : Jokes

Jay Leno, on the Telecommander, which attaches to your TV set and enforces which shows your kids can watch: “You know they had this years ago when I was a kid. I think it was called . . . parents.”

Leno, on the planned romantic movie with the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman: “I just hope they consult the manual before they do anything romantic. I mean, what if they get into bed and find out that he is American and she is metric?”

Leno, on the new federal school lunch program: “Under new rules, the meatloaf can only contain two strands of hair from the lunch lady.”

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Political update: The Post Office has announced plans for a stamp honoring Dan Rostenkowski. You can’t buy it; you have to embezzle it.

--Mark Miller

To appear more youthful in his campaign for lieutenant governor, Controller Gray Davis’ handlers are urging him to use Grecian Formula 16 to touch up his first name.

--Tony Peyser

Formerly just a children’s game, Duck-Duck-Goose is now considered the things most likely to happen during a job interview with Sen. Packwood.

--Mike Reilly

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Relationships: “My ex-husband threatened to kill himself if I left. That’s really sad. If he had killed himself, I probably would’ve stayed.”

--Charisse Savarin

“I wish our lovers treated us like apartments. They’d have to give us 30 days notice before they left us, and they’d have to leave us in the same condition they found us in. Of course, they’d probably want their security deposit back.”

--Denise Munro

“So I guess we are going to go with Clinton’s policy on gays in the military of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Which, as we all know, is the official American slogan for dysfunctional families.”

--Beverly Mickins

“There’s nothing but controversy lately about male-female behavior. If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $2.98 a minute.”

--Argus Hamilton

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Reader John Fry of San Diego recalls the time in the mid 1970s that he chaperoned four busloads of junior high students to Disneyland. Late in the day, a Disneyland police officer stopped him, inquired if he was Mr. Fry and asked him to come to the security office--a student had been caught shoplifting.

I noticed another of my students sitting alone at the rear of the room and asked how long he had been there. He muttered, “since this morning.”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“I got in a fight with one of the Three Little Pigs,” he mumbled.