LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Jay Leno, on the new AMC movie theater in Dallas with 24 screens: “Isn’t that amazing. . . . I understand that they’re even talking about adding a second person to the concession stand.”

Leno, on new breast implants in Amsterdam, which are made from a potato: “You thought it was hard to keep Clinton from staring before. Wait till he finds out there’s french fries in there.”

Hip-hop performer Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes of the group TLC is accused of burning down the mansion of her boyfriend, Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Andre Rison, and trashing two of his cars. Comedy writer Tony Peyser reports that a spokesman for Lopes said the incident “was unfortunate, but will make a really cool video.”

Leno says it started out as a small fire, but that the firemen were all preoccupied--reading Playboy. He added that many think Lopes overreacted to Rison’s staying out all night: “Even Shannen Doherty is saying, ‘Take it easy, girl.’ ”

Peyser, on Arkansas trooper Danny Lee Ferguson insisting that Paula Jones entered a hotel room occupied by then-Gov. Clinton on her own initiative rather than at Clinton’s request: “A White House spokesperson said, ‘We prefer Ferguson’s version of the incident that never happened over Jones’ version of the incident that never happened.’ ”

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NASA says airline officials, skeptical about the new supersonic plane NASA wants to help build, are just being myopic. Not really, says comedy writer Paul Steinberg: “They are just looking at the deal through the lens of NASA’s Hubble Telescope.”

Senate majority leader George Mitchell says the GOP really wants a political circus over Whitewater. If so, says comic Argus Hamilton, it would be history’s only circus where the elephants had to sweep up after the clowns.

Comedy writer Mel Golob says there’s already a sign that the disagreement over North Korea’s nuclear facilities could bring the United States into a major confrontation: “Jamie Farr has been spotted trying on gowns.”

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A man was the lone customer at a bar in Australia when a kangaroo came in, sat down at the other end of the bar and was served a glass of beer by the bartender. The kangaroo drank the beer, got off the stool and left.

“I can’t believe it!” the customer said.

“Oh,” replied the bartender, calmly, “he never says goodby.”

-- Edith Zittler, Los Angeles *

Reader Sue Soper of Huntington Beach says her nieces and nephews have been the recipients of much largess while growing up:

When the eldest turned 13, one aunt informed her that she was no longer a child, and that the aunt would no longer be giving frequent presents.

Hearing this, the young girl’s mother piped up: “Can’t you just give her money instead?”