LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Argus Hamilton, on the state dinner for the Emperor and Empress of Japan: “The Clintons said it was the first time they used the china purchased by the Reagans. That doesn’t include the three times they used it as a campaign issue.”
David Letterman, on Barbra Streisand at the same function this week: “She didn’t perform, but I understand that some time around dessert, she cleared her throat and then charged everybody $50.”
With more ethical scrutiny now, a recent survey shows that some senators are curbing their perks and how they spend government money. Comedy writer Tony Peyser reports that instead of sending flowers to women he has sexually harassed, Sen. Bob Packwood now just sends greeting cards.
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Quickly: Comic Adam Carolla doesn’t understand opposition to a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases: “I had to wait six weeks for my sofa.”
Carolla, on lawyers’ 900 numbers: “$5.95 a minute? For that much money, I want sex with an attorney.”
Jay Leno, on the flesh-eating bacteria: “This is probably just a coincidence, but have you noticed it hasn’t eaten any lawyers?”
Leno, on Michael Fay’s scheduled release next week from a Singapore prison: “Do you think the guards will tell him when he leaves: ‘Hey, don’t let the door hit you in the butt on your way out!’ ”
Comedy Central’s rejected World Cup slogans:
* “Come for the game, stay for the riot.”
* “Tens of Americans can’t be wrong.”
CC’s politically correct drinks:
* Consensual Sex on the Beach.
* Developmentally Challenged Gin Fizz.
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Word play: Reader Richard Ashby of Ventura says everyone is specializing these days: “There’s a spiritualist down the street who advertises that she’s a West Coast authority on bad breath. Calls herself the ‘Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis.’ ”
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The obstetrician was surprised when the husband of one of his patients showed up at his office, concerned that his new baby had red hair.
“Why does that bother you?” the doctor asked.
“Well,” replied the man, “both my wife and I have black hair, as do all four grandparents.”
The doctor thought a moment, then inquired: “How often do you and your wife have sex?”
The man replied, “About twice a year.”
“That explains it,” the doctor said. “The red hair is just rust.”
--Antony Evans, San Luis Obispo
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Reader Charlotte Bayer of Santa Monica Canyon took her two grandchildren for a walk recently in Westchester. At one point, she stopped and told Patrick, 4: “See that. It’s a wild mustard plant.”
He looked at the plant, then replied: “Can you show me where the wild ketchup plant is?”