By Monday, We Should Be on a First-Name Basis
Because I wish to pay tribute to those successful boys from Brazil, today I will address our U.S. soccer players strictly by their first names. For example, in our Independence Day battle against the Brazilians up there in the far-north Sao Paolo suburb of Palo Alto, I am expecting outstanding performances from our hungry young team, particularly from Marcelo, Tony, Ernie and Tab.
For a fast minute there Tuesday, it sure did look as though we might be playing Sweden instead, but, alas, even with our American boys sending along our very best wishes--sweets to the Swedes--it was not enough to maintain a 1-0 advantage over Bebeto, Romario, Dunga, Rai and friends. Too bad, too, because Sweden is a team we could take, one of those weaker soccer nations like Costa Rica or, oh, you know, England.
Of course, Bora Milutinovic, the U.S. coach with the sheep dog bangs and the scuba-mask eyeglasses, is sitting here right in front of me between practice sessions, swearing that this is Mission Viejo, not Mission Impossible.
“Brazil is Brazil,” Bora is saying. “But, in one game, everything is possible.”
Repeating the phrase, “I am so happy,” like a mantra, Bora--better use his first name, too, mainly so I can stop looking up the spelling--also says he is still attempting to ascertain why so many seemed so unhappy with the outcome of Sunday’s 1-0 defeat to Romania at the Rose Bowl, inasmuch as: “To lose, 1-0, is like tie for us.” (Translated: Good enough to proceed to Round 2.)
Well, sorry, Bora, I find myself saying to him, but it’s just that we have become so accustomed to winning our big soccer games here in America now.
“Where you from?” Bora says, squinting through those lenses of his. “You new here.”
USA vs. Brazil is David vs. GOOOOOOOALLL-iath. We have met five times. Brazil has won all five. We have scored three goals against this team. Brazil has scored 20 goals against us. Brazil worries about us in soccer approximately the same way we worry about Uruguay in basketball. Brazil isn’t too shook up over us beating Colombia. Brazil won’t be shook up unless it’s the 90th minute and the only goal of the game has been scored by Alexi or Cobi, not Romario or Rai.
On the other hand, Brazil is Brazil.
Back when you were coaching Costa Rica for a living, Bora is asked, before one of your big games against Brazil, “What would you tell your players?”
Bora thinks this over.
“Don’t ask for autographs,” he answers.
Excellent strategy. Monday morning, be sure to write this on the U.S. team’s chalkboard: AND REMEMBER, NO AUTOGRAPHS. Although, you must admit, at least it wouldn’t take the Brazilian players too much effort to scribble down their signatures, not needing last names and all. And besides, I hear Dunga autographs are going for $50 apiece these days at Southern California memorabilia shows.
Certainly the surprising Swedes were not overly intimidated by the great Brazil team before Tuesday’s contest. While watching the game on TV, the American players clearly took encouragement from the fact that the Brazilians did not look invincible. The U.S. players obviously enjoyed themselves immensely Tuesday, making fun of whichever teammate was being interviewed on ESPN.
“Maybe Sweden will beat Brazil,” said one of our top players, the popular Tab. “Hey, it’s possible.”
After all, Sweden’s players do not intimidate easily. One of them, Klas Ingesson, bravely playing in this World Cup even though in May his automobile accidentally ran into a moose.
And nobody is conceding anything to Brazil at this point. Germany looks quite strong. So does Argentina. Mexico got out of the “group of death” and is now listed in stable condition. Russia could surprise people if this one guy continues scoring goals at this nifty five-a-game clip. Oh, and naturally everybody has to remain aware of Italy, although occasionally I do find myself singing: “Where have you gone, Roberto Baggio? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you! You-oo-oo!”
As for the United States, all right, let’s throw a great big Fourth of July barbecue with Brazil on the grill. Our fellows consider themselves ready, willing and able for Monday’s game, particularly now that team general manager Bill (The Burden Stops Here) Nuttall is clear as a bell on those rules about how many yellow cards it takes to disqualify a player. This recent misunderstanding created a disturbance after the one-game banishment of one of America’s very best players--John.
Is this U.S. team better prepared to play Brazil, Bora is asked, than that old Costa Rica team of yours?
“Yes. My team is better team than Costa Rica.”
Good to hear. So your team won’t be asking for autographs, Bora?
“No. They do not know very well the Brazilian players.”
Seriously, Bora?
“No,” he says. “This is joking.”
