David Letterman, on the possible merger of CBS Inc. and the QVC home shopping network: "The merger has not yet gone through, so do me a favor: Quit phoning in here trying to buy my hair piece."
Among Dave's Top 10 Least Popular Tourist Attractions:
* Six Flags Over Newark.
* The Magnificent Algae Forest of Willie Nelson's Bathtub.
* Sen. Packwood's House of Hands.
* The Regis De Milo.
* The Grand Ole Oprah.
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the battle between Mattel and Hasbro for control of a British company with rights to sell Scrabble outside North America: "The deal could be worth more than $70 million. Or $210 million if it lands on a triple word score."
Comic Ed Markey, on car rental companies having only one question on their car return forms: They ask, "Did you buy gas?" This makes no sense. If they are limited to only one question, shouldn't it be: "Did you ever utter the phrase, 'Screw it, it's a rental'?"
Reader Bert Feinberg of Van Nuys wonders why such a big deal is being made about the closing of the musical "Sunset Boulevard": "Street maintenance closed Pico Boulevard for a month and nobody criticized their performance."
Reader Bob Brennan of Costa Mesa thinks police mishandled the melee last week involving soccer fans in Huntington Park after Mexico tied Italy: "Instead of rubber bullets, tear gas and batons, they should have gained control with something the fans understood: Pass out yellow cards."
Reader Richard Goldman says an East Coast food company is apparently paying tribute to a certain Minneapolis rock star by officially changing its product name to "The Spaghetti Sauce Formerly Known as Prince."
A parapsychologist once told a story on "Donahue" that proves ESP has its limits.
A Las Vegas gambler was playing roulette when he heard a little voice in his head that told him to bet $100 on the number 7. He did and won about $3,000.
Then the voice said, "Bet $100 on 6." The gambler won another three grand. A third time the voice urged the man on: "Bet $100 on 10." Again, he won $3,000.
"Now bet it all on 5," the voice coaxed.
The gambler, sensing a better than $250,000 payoff, did as he was told. This time, he lost.
"Damn," the little voice said.
Reader Walt Hopmans of Santa Barbara recalls when his preteen daughter was enthusing about getting her first training bra:
Her brother looked at the garment dubiously and asked, "What's it supposed to train them to do?"