For the last 30 days, we were the World Cup in Los Angeles. It has been fabulously fun. But in 90 minutes or so, it will be forever gone.
Rai, we hardly knew ye.
Actually, it's like a honeymoon without the marriage.
And now, we must move on with our lives. (Actually, when I say we , I mean you . As for me, I'll just be shifting slightly on the couch.) The World Cup has dominated our attention--well, except for the O.J. Simpson case and that Tabitha the Cat thing--and it is time for us to refocus.
How does Pasadena adjust to post-World Cup America?
Will there be L.A. strife after World Cup life?
What's the deal with Todd Donaho?
These are the questions that must be asked and these are the questions that must be answered. I took a moment out from the World Cup third-place game to address as many important inquiries as I could:
Question: The end of the World Cup leaves a big hole. How can people effectively cope with this?
Answer: The best way to deal with stress is to eat well. Crenshaw melons are 29 cents a pound this week at Ralphs, pork loin roast--rib end or sirloin end--is $1.19 a pound at Hughes and Nestle Bon Bons are $1.99 at Vons. (Prices effective until Wednesday; all items not available in all stores.)
Q: But food cannot fully alleviate the psychological letdown, the emotional vacuum, the subconscious dissonance left by the loss of such an important element in our lives. Freud argued that addiction is a state of pathological fusion and that the addict finds comfort in areas of potential space that re-evoke infantile mergings and that only through the process of immersive transference can cathexis truly be impactful.
A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just watch Arena Football on ESPN Saturday nights--similar game, higher scoring.
Q: What exactly are you saying about the future of U.S. soccer?
A: Major League Soccer in this country has about as much chance as Madonna at a eunuchs' convention.
Q: But that Adidas ad says, "Soccer's Not Coming To America. It's Already Here."
A: Yeah, well, if it's already here, nobody's there.
Q: Surely some of the stars of the U.S. team are here to stay as major figures on the sporting scene.
A: By next June, Alexi Lalas is an assistant manager at Jiffy Lube.
Q: What's next for Alan Rothenberg?
A: Baseball commissioner or Rebuild L.A.
Q: And Bora?
A: Bora who?
A: Empty nest.
Q: Seriously, what are we supposed to do without World Cup?
A: Listen, buddy, I'm already into Davis Cup. Back off, Jack.
Q: What will happen to the 30-foot inflatable soccer ball tethered outside the Rose Bowl?
A: It will be reconverted for use as an Accident Investigation Site (AIS) along the 405.
Q: Man, what's to become of all this worthless, leftover World Cup merchandise that went unsold?
A: Check the expanded and newly eclectic "Books Near $5" table at Crown for the best bargains.
Q: The prissy people of Pasadena thumbed their noses at the possibility of the Raiders and their unruly fans playing at the Rose Bowl, so how come they let the likes of World Cup hooligans into their pretentiously precious hamlet?
A: Most Brazilians speak English better than most Raider fans.
Q: Will most out-of-town soccer fans be staying in L.A. for the NFL season?
A: No, but most football fans in L.A. might have to go out of town for the NFL season.
Q: Many of us have become accustomed to watching KMEX daily for Univision's soccer coverage. What will fill that void?
A: Although World Cup '94, indeed, is television history after today, other KMEX programming worth sampling includes " Las Dos Dianas ," " Mujer Prohibida ," " Muchachitas ," " Dos Mujeres, un Camino " and, of course, " La Chica TV ."
Q: Will there be any "added time" in this article?
A: Gosh, I hope not--I'm having trouble making it to the end, as it is.
Q: What becomes of Striker, the World Cup '94 mascot?
A: Modeled after the Motion Picture & Television Country House in Woodland Hills, the Sports Mascot Retirement Home & Manor in Los Alamitos has drawn a wide-based clientele. Among those currently residing--or giving future commitments--to the home are Cobi, Chief Noc-a-homa, the Phillie Phanatic, the San Diego Chicken, Hugo the Hornet, Stuff the Magic Dragon, Tommy Trojan, Dancing Barry, Dancing Harry, Dyan Cannon, Crazy George and Whatizit. There is a separate wing on the grounds occupied solely by Morganna the Kissin' Bandit.
Q: How come Maradona was sent home early?
A: Sav-on was out of Sudafed.
Q: Some people not Rose Bowl-bound will be having a Super Bowl-style World Cup Sunday party at home. What's a good thing to serve while watching the World Cup telecast?
A: During the game, we recommend a nice Hungarian braised pork stew with a side dish of baked acorn squash and a raspberry-cream bombe dessert. For the postgame, peanuts are good.