‘90s FAMILY : REAL LIFE : Traveling Parents Need Not Pack Guilt

When attorney Penny Nagler goes on a business trip, she almost always takes her 2-year-old son, Robby, with her.

As a deputy state attorney general in Los Angeles, Nagler, 41, travels as far as San Luis Obispo and San Diego two to three times a month. She usually stays in hotels and finds a sitter to watch Robby.

She knows it would be easier to leave him at home, as most of her friends who travel for work do with their children. But, she said, “When I think about not having him with me, I just feel like it would be upsetting for him.

“And I would feel very guilty.”

Let’s face it: Guilt is often part of your baggage if you’re a parent who has to travel on business.

Usually, it increases in direct proportion to how much support there is for the person taking care of the children at home, said Susan Ginsberg, an educational consultant in New York who edits the monthly Work and Family Life newsletter.

“Part of the level of guilt has to do with how alone the person is going to be who’s left with the kids and how difficult it will be for the person,” she said. Because mothers typically have more extensive support systems in place, “fathers have a much harder time summoning up the guilt gene.”

Those with dependable sitters and nannies to maintain routines and ensure safety have much lower anxiety levels, Ginsberg said.

According to a recent Gallup survey of 563 parents who also belong to frequent flier clubs, 60% said they had missed a child’s birthday or special event, such as a school play or athletic event. They may feel bad, but if they had to go, they don’t have to feel guilty, Ginsberg said. “They can say, ‘Can I get somebody else to go to this event? Can I get somebody to take a picture for me?’ ”

On the other hand, there’s a purpose to guilt, and those on a persistent guilt trip should evaluate their child-care arrangements, Ginsberg said.

Meanwhile, she offered some tips for business travelers. Before leaving, they can show children on a map where they will be and can hide notes in backpacks or lunch boxes. When away, they can send cards with child-centered messages, such as: “When I was here, you were at Jimmy’s party.”

Calling home can be a Catch-22, Ginsberg said. “You need to call, but you need to be prepared to have a few tears or a little upset sometimes. If you’re away and something bad happens--that pushes everybody’s buttons.”

Rather than a general “How are you? I’m fine” call, it’s better to ask specific questions and close with any special goodby family ritual.

“It’s not going to be wonderful, this phone call,” Ginsberg said. “But that’s OK. You said I’m thinking about you and I miss you. That’s the bottom line here.”

Nagler said one of her friends faxed a picture home for her child to color.

Nagler said most of her friends feel guilty when they travel. “They miss their kids, they like them. The solution I’ve heard most often is having a nanny at home who takes care of the kids or a spouse who carries a bigger load.”

She said she was inspired by a co-worker who took her mother along on trips as a baby-sitter: “Her mother enjoyed it.”

But not all business travelers are destined for guilt. “Sometimes it’s a relief to get away from your child,” Nagler said. “It’s also nice to take a little break.”