LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Two Delta Airlines ground employees, believed to be intoxicated, took an empty Boeing 737 for mile-long joy ride last Saturday at the Tucson airport. Embarrassed company officials later admitted, says comedy writer Bob Mills, that it was Delta’s only on-time arrival of the day.

Jay Leno, on the selection of Kenneth Starr, a Republican, as new Whitewater special prosecutor: “You might say, ‘Why a Republican?’ Well, if you are going to be dealing with questions about money laundering, destroying evidence and lying to Congress, you want a guy who has been there.”

Tuesday was the 20th anniversary of Richard Nixon’s resignation over his misdeeds in public office. It didn’t go unnoticed at the White House, reports comic Argus Hamilton: “President Clinton was extra nice to Al Gore all day.”

Hamilton, on Shannon Faulkner, who may have to shave her head to remain a freshman at the Citadel: “Those are the rules. Short hair has been a U.S. military tradition since Custer’s Last Stand.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the rare fungus killing butternut trees in Vermont: “There’s no known cure or chemical treatment for Sirococcus clavigigenti juglandacearum . And there are only two guys known who can both spell and pronounce it.”

*

Reader file: What’s the definition of a perfect lover? Someone who can make love to you until 4 a.m., then turn into a pizza.

--Charles Pierce, North Hollywood

The daughter complained to her mother that her new boyfriend was rich but too short.

Replied Mom: “So? He can stand on his wallet.”

--Tom Freeman, Palm Springs

“During a recent heat spell, my regular golf partner, after a particularly bad shot, remarked: ‘It’s not the heat that gets you, it’s the humility.’ ”

--Burt Lasker, Brea

*

Several versions from several sources:

Returning to the city after two weeks on the road passing bad paper, the counterfeiter discovered that his artistic but dimwitted assistant had printed a large batch of $18 bills.

Undaunted, the clever counterfeiter decided to see if he could get rid of the funny money in rural West Virginia. Traveling deep into the hills, he stopped at the first country store he found, walked in and went to the counter.

“Wonder if you could give me change for this?” he asked, handing the clerk an $18 bill.

“Sure thing, pal,” the clerk replied. “How would you like it? Two nines or three sixes?”

*

Reader Jean Desmond of Rancho Palos Verdes says her 6-year-old granddaughter, Lynlea, is a true child of the ‘90s. When grandma phoned to tell her that she was going to mail her a letter from her cousin, the young girl replied impatiently:

“Why don’t you just fax it to me?”