Authors Simply Have Too Much Time on Hands

HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION

Essays By Major League Baseball Players, Class of ’94

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I (cough) had lunch (cough) with Mrs. Schott (cough) at her house. She is (cough) a nice lady, and not (cough) the witch that (cough) everyone thinks she (cough) is. My only (cough) complaint about Mrs. (cough) Schott is that she sits there (cough) smoking all (cough) day. I wish she’d (cough) stop.

KEVIN M.

Cincinnati, Ohio

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Me and my brother Chris go down to the batting cage every day. I like to work on my hitting. The machine in the batting cage does not throw very hard, but it’s OK for now. Too bad the Padres’ owner is so cheap. I am running out of quarters.

TONY G.

San Diego

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Get away from me. I don’t gotta turn in no stupid essay. Take your damn essay out ofmy face. I’m warning you, I ain’t gonna say no twice. Come on, teach. Make your move.

BOBBY B.

New York

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I don’t know what to do with myself. I go to the park every day. I put on my uniform. Then I just sit there.

CAL R.

Baltimore

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Out here in Hollywood, they asked me to be on a TV show, “The Bold and the Beautiful.” When I told Tommy about it, he said, “Which one do you play--the Bold?” Anyway, this was my first experience with a soap opera, except for playing with Darryl Strawberry.

MIKE P.

Los Angeles

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Last weekend, I went to the beach. We played volleyball all afternoon. My team won, 15-0, 15-0, 15-0. Then this big lifeguard got mad at me because he cut open the volleyball and found it was corked. Now I can’t go back to the beach for eight days.

ALBERT B.

Cleveland

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I hear the Chicago Cubs went on strike. How can we tell?

RYNE S.

Chicago

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Now that I am on vacation, I have been thinking about going to Disneyland. I have decided to drive my Jaguar to California from Texas. Should take me about, oh, two hours, maybe less.

JOSE C.

Arlington, Tex.

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We went to France to something called a four-star restaurant. But the only star I saw there was me. Then the waiter got me hot because he asked me to take off my baseball cap and to stop chewing tobacco and spitting it on the rug. I said, “Hey, here’s a hundred bucks, buy some shampoo. Now bring me a bleepin’ cheeseburger.” French dudes. Rude, man.

LENNY D.

Philadelphia

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I’ve been a nervous wreck. I was reading a book about Roger Maris, about how when he was trying to break Babe Ruth’s record of 60 home runs, his hair started falling out. Same thing’s been happening to me. Michael Jordan says bald is cool, but what does he know? He couldn’t hit 60 homers in 60 seasons.

MATT W.

San Francisco

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Went to Woodstock ’94 with my band. We splashed around in the mud. Speaking of playing dirty, what’s new with the owners?

JACK McD.

Chicago

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Yesterday, I saw the movie “Angels in the Outfield.” They got booed.

BO J.

Anaheim

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I can’t do much with this broken hand. Somebody told me what a bad break that was, with my trying to win the triple crown and all. But I said, look at it this way: If I was a horse trying to win the Triple Crown and I broke something, they’d shoot me.

JEFF B.

Houston

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Up here in Canada, we will really be disappointed if there is no World Series. We enjoy winning it, year after year.

JOE C.

Toronto

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I agree with Joe.

MOISES A.

Montreal

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Somebody told me that we professional baseball players may be going on strike. Does this mean no meal money?

MICHAEL J.

Birmingham, Ala.