LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: With the O.J. Simpson and Heidi Fleiss trials starting the same day, it could be tough to tell the trials apart as Court TV switches between them. Richard Turnage, of the Robert W. Morgan Show (KRTH 101), offers a tip: “One trial will focus on DNA, while the other emphasizes T&A.;”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser on the Sept. 19 trial dates for Simpson and Fleiss: “Michael Jackson’s handlers have alerted him to mark that date on his calendar, just in case he has any other incredibly stupid or weird things planned.”

Embarrassed authorities in Paris concede they may not have captured Carlos the Jackal after all, says comedy writer Bob Mills: “When they peeled off the mask, they found Jim Carrey underneath.”

Comic Argus Hamilton predicts the President’s crime bill will pass in the next two days, since Republicans have agreed to a little social spending: “They think midnight polo will help stop the spread of white-collar crime.”

Peyser, on a University of Alaska professor, John Smelcer, who resigned after his claims of being a Native Alaskan were challenged: “People became suspicious upon learning that his close friends call him ‘Shecky,’ a name unknown to indigenous tribes.”

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Jay Leno’s Washington Week in Revue:

* On watching a PBS documentary: “It showed how a shark’s eyes roll back when it’s ready to attack. Then I change the channel to CNN and I notice Bob Dole’s eyes do that too.”

* On Press Secretary Dee Dee Myers’ comment that President Clinton was gaining momentum: “I guess that happens when you’re going downhill.”

* On the NRA-backed rally last weekend at the Lincoln Memorial: “Is this really the best site for a pro-gun rally?”

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St. Peter was interviewing potential candidates for admission to heaven:

“Jonas Salk! Welcome, Dr Salk! Your work in finding the polio vaccine changed the lives of millions. Enter, and stay forever! Next.

“Albert Schweitzer! Welcome, Dr. Schweitzer! Your humanitarian work and great philosophical writings changed an entire generation. Enter, and stay here forever! Next.

“Henry Kaiser. Welcome, Mr. Kaiser. You started the first HMOs and began the large managed health-care groups we see today. You have changed the way health care is provided to an entire nation. Enter. Your stay will be 4.3 days!”

--Richard Ashby, Ventura

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Years ago, reader Fred Hauter of Montrose worked in the sales department of a large company. A fellow salesman was habitually late to work, and one day the boss asked the man, “Don’t you know when people get to work around here?”

“How should I know?” the guy replied. “They’re all here when I get here.”